Monday, November 23, 2009
Saturday morning, I woke up feeling like poopie shit and really sad. I don't have anything terrible or stressful going on. So, I couldn't sort out why I was feeling like this. I'm a little stressed about money (usual), but basically I just felt like I hated everything. I missed my dad, I missed my Pepere, I missed the dog, everything sucked, and I hated everything.
I get to acupuncture and I tell Keri that I think I need the "ear needles" today. She does these whenever I tell her I'm anxious or sad. She also added a few other ones... in my arms I think. As she's working, she tells me that she could tell as soon as I walked in that something wasn't right. She may have even described it as an energy field or an aura, but I can't remember. It was something to that effect.
So, I'm sitting there feeling crabby. About 10 minutes goes by, and I get that burning feeling in the back of my throat and my eyes just start pouring tears. Very much without my permission, I am a crying mess in the middle of the treatment room. There's a cute old man playing with his phone -- thankfully he doesn't appear to notice that I'm crying. I cried for an hour just sitting there. Keri comes to check on me and I say, "What have you done to me?!?!"
So, she says, "sometimes you just have to let the cry out to feel better." Then she proceeded to sing part of this song to me:
She tells me that sometimes the needles just help to bring these things to the surface so that we can let them go. It was one of the strangest things that has ever happened to me. She also sent me home with a bottle of "hysterical woman" herbs. The last 3 days, I have felt better than I have in a long time. I don't know if it was the needles, the crying, or the pills, and dammit! I don't care!
I proceeded to cry all the way home. When I was finally able to pull myself together, I had been crying for an hour and a half! I almost NEVER cry. It's not that I try not to cry, I just don't need to. Unless I'm pissed. I ALWAYS CRY when I'm REALLY mad. It's like my emotional output wire harness got wired up all wrong. Saturday was a very strange day. I ended up climbing on the roof and putting up the Christmas lights. I'm afraid of heights. I have no idea what got into me.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Saturday, November 7, 2009
I just learned about a 5 year old boy named Noah Biorkman who is in the last stages of a 2 year battle with Neuroblastoma Cancer. His family is celebrating Christmas next week and Noahs request is to get lots of Christmas cards.
Please let's make this little warrior's wish come true.
Send cards to:
1141 Fountain View Circle
South Lyon, Mi 48178
Lets see how many cards
we can get together for this brave little boy.
Thank You and God Bless.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
(OMFG! Many years -- as in the nearly 15 years ago when it first came out!!!)
Perhaps the irony, was not exactly IN the lyrics, but that fact that it
**WASN'T*** in the lyrics. The irony of the song, was that it wasn't ironic at all! For about 3 seconds, I felt brilliant (if a little slow to bring the idea to the table). So, I googled this theory and there's a mention of this in Wikipedia. Only it wasn't intentional at all! sigh.
I bet that Alanis now knows the difference between things that suck and things that are ironic. Sometimes things can both suck and be ironic.
For instance, my roommate has absolutely no desire to have children. EVER. And certainly she would NEVER consider birthing one. She is also afraid of doctors. Her periods are irregular and always have been. I was concerned about her lack of cycle. I gave her some of my FertilAid pills in the hopes that she would get her period regulated. The pills didn't seem to be working for me, but I had read many good things about them. She's been taking them for nearly 6 months and has had 3 periods in the last 4 months. I find this to be ironic. While I think it's great for her, I also think it sucks for me! argh!
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Remembering to take supplements: A
Weight loss: F--------
Eating Healthy: D
Peeing on sticks: B+
Ugh. WHY. IS. IT. So. ***DIFFICULT***
I wish I had more to say. I super wicked took a flying leap off of the general effort to be healthy wagon. I'm trying to get back on, but the chocolate keeps calling me. And yes, somehow the chocolate is preventing me from climbing on the bike, or from taking a walk. (I'm actually have such pain in my legs from my compartment syndrome issues that it is hard to push myself.) -excuses - excuses - excuses-
Also, who can resist apple pie?
I have a wedding to go to in December, and if I don't quit eating, I'm not going to have anything to wear! Really, need to work on this.
I've been thinking about my lack of period and how I plan to handle it. February will mark 1 year since I last had a cycle. If I still haven't had a period by then, I'm thinking about progesterone.
Do you know of any natural progesterone pills or creams? Have you had any luck using them successfully? Are there benefits to using these over the commercially available RX kind of progesterone (horse hormones I think!)?
Anyway, my plan is to take **some** kind of progesterone during the time my body should be naturally increasing progesterone levels on its own. So, when I get a +OPK, I'll start taking the progesterone for the 14 days or whatever it is and work in concert with my body. Maybe it will just need a little more coaching to get back on track.
Monday, September 21, 2009
The gangly sort of time where you kind of had boobs, but they were weird and pointy. And even if they weren't pointy... you thought they were weird because you went to bed one night wearing your underoos only to awaken the next day with something dangling off the front of you. Well, at least if you were me this is what happened.
A mouth full of metal, gigantic hair, and even gigantic-er earrings... and let's not forget the black bolero hat.
That's right. I was like, totally, like Debbie Gibson's like number ONE fan.
From the Sears Wishbook -- you remember that right? The Bible, the Holy Grail, The Holy Grible if you will -- the MOTHER of all catalogs. The Sears CHRISTMAS Wishbook. That's right baby. I circled that sucker and begged for the Debbie Gibson sweatshirt. I thank my Auntie Linda and Uncle Ray for this that which I would like to bring to you today:
(if you click the photo you can see my Debbie Gibson sweat shirt up close)
I finished this winter look with a cheerleading jacket and scarf to match my BFF at the time, Katie. Note the Debbie Gibson black bolero hat... because wearing a photo of your favorite star isn't enough.
Katie and I both cheered for the same team. I thought I was so wicked cool with my side pony tail.
But mostly. I loved Debbie Gibson. I didn't really listen to anything except for Debbie Gibson. I did occasionally listen to Billy Joel and Elton John since my parents did -- oh and also -- because like, they were Deb's, like idols and stuff. And so, anybody she thought was cool, I did too.
I danced for HOURS AND HOURS to my Debbie Gibson Out of the Blue (Live in Concert) VHS
I wore my hair in a pony tail with a bandanna tied in it.
I wanted that damn cheer leading Letterman jacket so I could be just like her ( I wanted our team colors to be BLACK AND WHITE DAMMIT, not red and white):
And if you spy really close... you'll see that Buddy... the guy on the left has been dancing with her since 1988!
When I saw her in concert this summer, I was amazed to see Buddy! I knew just who he was (I even remembered his name!) and H, I could tell, was so impressed when Debbie made this point while on stage. (I think she smirked at me.)
This past summer, Buddy did NOT do any aerial somersaults:
I desperately wanted to be one of those little girls that she brought up on stage. (Preferably the girl in the pink and white, she totally had the better moves.)
I thought my life might have peaked this past June, when 20 years later, I finally was able to meet Debbie Gibson. And can I just say... WOW. So gracious. So. Very. HOT. and... so very tiny.
Her smallness is further exacerbated by my gigantic boobs. I'm sorry Debbie. I'm sorry that I almost suffocated you with my doughy (no longer pointy, but definitely more dangly) bosoms. She does look a little frightened, doesn't she? (Photo props go to H for being my super human hero photographer even though she has a STRICT policy AGAINST being anywhere near famous people. And also many thanks to Canon for making it allllll possible.) I'm still mad that I didn't have money on me for a t-shirt.
Anyway. I really thought life could not get any better. Until... I went to acupuncture last Thursday. My friend Keri, and acupuncturist extraordinaire, presented me with this:
I think it might be one of the best presents I've ever gotten. :)
Her father's friend used to deliver mail to Debbie's house and he got this autographed picture for her.
She learned of my childhood (and what seems to still be so in adulthood) crush when I told her all about how Debbie Gibson was at Pride.
She went home for the weekend to celebrate her father's birthday and dug this out of the attic. How cool is that?
I love the fact that it has tack marks in the corner and the edges are a little yellowed. I think about how cool it must've been to hang an autographed photo of Debbie Gibson on your wall as a kid.
I heart it. I'm thinking about where to hang it. I might just frame it and put it in my bedroom for old times sake. :)
Thank you Keri!!!
On Thursday, I received the most awesome gift. (I'll blog about that later.) The gift required that it be scanned. Well, I required that it be scanned -- the gift made no demands. In the midst of the scanning, I got this burning need to scan the letter my dad left for me when he died. It's something I've been meaning to do for awhile now, but never got around to doing. It didn't matter that it was 8:05 and I was supposed to be at work at 8:30 and that it takes me 40 minutes to get there. I HAD TO DO IT RIGHT NOW. Once I thought of it, it became the center of my universe. I panicked because I had put it in such a safe place that I couldn't find it. I did finally locate it and it was just where I thought I'd left it.
I scanned the letter. I read it. I sniffled. I went to put it back in the envelope and noticed the date that it was written was today's date. I never ever noticed before that my dad wrote it 8.5 months before he died. I felt so much gratitude at that realization. I was always grateful for the letter, but it just felt so much more significant seeing that he set out so purposefully to do it. Everything about his death was so selfless. He arranged his own funeral, had advanced directives drawn up, had his will completed, and generally took his illness like a trooper. He joked, he laughed, he smiled, he loved, he shared, and it put everything in place in a way that would enable us to look back and see more than just grief.
My dad was sick for 5 years -- he could easily have made this a time that was absolutely horrible -- a time that would've been impossible to look back and see any good. When I look back, when my family looks back, we see joy all around. His cancer was a small part of that time. He didn't go sky diving or rocky mountain climbing but he did livestrong. He took the bull by the horns, had his surgeries, chemo, and radiation and joked about it. He joked one day about how all of his hair was falling out. He informed me (and poor H) while waggling where his eyebrows would've been, that even "the boys" were bald and that he felt 12 all over again.
If asked to do things that he wasn't keen on doing... he quipped in his best mock, pathetic, whiny, pouting, voice, that he was "sick" and couldn't. "I'm sick."
"Can you get me a popsicle? I'm sick."
"Come here quick! Don't make me wait, I might not be here long. I'm sick."
He was totally inappropriate in every way, but it worked. It worked for our family. It helped to laugh. It helped to talk about things in this way. To acknowledge without dwelling. We were never a family that was big on tradition. He started little things. His last Christmas, we had a fondue on Christmas Eve. We all knew it was probably going to be his last. I soaked up every minute of it. He said very matter of factly, "This was fun. We should do this every year as a tradition. " And so we have.
He was so selfless. He was in hospice for my 29th birthday on June 10th, he stayed alert and chipper through my parent's 30th wedding anniversary on the 11th, and on June 12th took a sharp and definitive decline. He was not consistently alert again after that. He would let us know that he was still around in small ways, to let us know he could hear us. He was even making us laugh right to the very end. 3 days before he died, my mom was telling him how much she loved him... not realizing that he could understand or hear her. My mother has a tendency to go on and on and on and on... and this was no exception. At one point, my mother said, "I just hope you know how much I really love you and I wish I knew you could hear me", and my father -- who had not spoken for 26 hours, responded adamantly and rather comedically, "I. Think. I've. Got. The. Hint." He smirked, and then fell asleep. My dad and all of his personality was there almost right to the end. He waited to pass until both my mother and I were present. And he left the physical world with each of us holding his hand.
I always thought that knowing that you were going to lose someone would be worse than losing them suddenly. I've changed my mind on that. Knowing that my father was sick, enabled us to tie up loose ends. We said the things we needed say. When he died, there were no regrets. We had our closure.
I'm not sure why I'm sharing this. I think because I'm proud of it. I'm proud of him for doing it. It must've been a terribly difficult thing to do. I'm proud to be his daughter. I'm proud of the father that he was to me. I hope that one day, that I can be the kind of selfless parent that he was. I hope to be strong. I hope to make my child feel as safe and unconditionally loved as he made me feel. I hope to be a parent that my child will be proud of. Most of all, I hope to be a parent that HE would be proud of.
Click the photos to enlarge and the won't be cut off anymore.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
I bring to you my very first ever "Things That I Am Enjoying" in honor of Torrie at I pretty much hate everything.
- It's oh so mean... but oh so VERY entertaining. People of Walmart
- This was sent to me today by H -- she doesn't remember how she found it, but I am so glad she did! http://www.dooce.com/2009/09/16/your-momma-said-you-ugly (it takes a little while to load)
- Jenny over at Something Made Different has made an adorable music video of her dog Lila. I look so forward to reading Jenny's posts. They're funny, different, and they make you want to take adventures. Jenny's an archaeologist who has a boyfriend that she refers to as "the Guatemalan" and a dog that is always getting into hot water. Oh, and she got H to go white water rafting. If that's not magical, I don't know what is.
What are you enjoying?
PS. Blogger spell check cannot seem to handle more than one Vagina at a time. It recognizes the possessive Vagina's, but not multiple Vaginas. Vaginai?
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
After reading this comment, I immediately took a big sigh of relief. It's totally simple, right? ( I also like how their blog name and their comment are totally in line with each other. That's hardcore non-counting of unhatched poultry.) I am a person who is perpetually thinking beyond to the next thing. While I'm a fairly flexible person and can be spontaneous, I like to have a plan. Not an etched in stone kind of plan, but at least a vague idea that I have my shit together. (or at least the illusion of having my shit together?) For this, I blame my mother. I should be hearing from her any day now about plans for Christmas and what's on the menu.
This whole idea that I'm going to make this baby all by myself is kind of terrifying. I mean, I won't be REALLY by myself -- I have great group of friends, a totally supportive family, the lovely people of the internets, and the most selfless giving friend/roommate/bff on the planet (who is actually kind of afraid of children, but will let me continue to live here with a kid.) It just won't be the way I always thought it would be. I'm single, I'm broke, and the list goes on.
It's sad to me to think that if it does all finally come together and I can (and by some miracle DO) get pregnant, that there won't be anyone else to share it with. No one to say funny things to my belly, no one to rub my feet, no one excited to hear the heartbeat, or discuss hospital vs. home birth, vax vs. no vax, or circumcision, or which breast pump to buy. Every decision will be made exclusively by me. Parenthood is a humongous responsibility, SINGLE parenthood is even more so. It seems almost irresponsible to choose this. This poor child, my child, will face so many odds. It seems cruel. I find myself wondering if it is selfish.
This is where I go wrong. I'm not pregnant. It could be YEARS before it happens and it may never happen. While 2 years from now seems not all that far off, it is also an eternity. I have no idea what my life will be like by then. Shit, I could be dead. And here I'll have wasted all this good living time thinking about things that may or may not happen.
When we had reached the point, during my dad's battle with cancer, where we knew no conventional treatments were working, my family adopted the phrase "Don't go down that road". Sometimes it was a warning, other times it became a mantra. Most often, my dad would say it when we would have our talks on the way to Dana Farber. He expected that I would be fine if he died. Not that I wouldn't be sad, but that I would be able to move forward and not be crippled by my grief. He said it matter of factly. We had these amazing conversations in the car. We knew why we were having them, but most of the time we didn't acknowledge it. So, when he said these things to me, if I started to REALLY think about them and get what he was saying, he'd hit me with "Don't go down that road". He demanded in me a strength that I never thought I would find. He expected that I would hold my mother and my sister up. Largely I did, much to the detriment of my own grieving. When he did die, I never cried; I spent the entire year that followed in an angry, bitter, battle with depression. For a long time, I couldn't acknowledge the grief. I knew if i acknowledged it, I would never be able to get back on top of it. "Don't go down that road", I'd say to myself.
I would take pieces of my grief out, from time to time, and play with them. I would sort them, label them, and refile them. Never too many pieces at a time, just the ones I could immediately deal with. The anger though, I was a real trooper at handling the anger. I really had no limits in that regard, there were no filters, no patience, and often no warning.
What the hell was my point?
This baby thing needs to be addressed in the same manner. Most things require that you deal with them one step at a time. A marathon, a death, a new job, whatever. Thinking about how I will deal with things that aren't even remotely in the cards is a waste of energy. Trying to figure out how I will pay for child care at this point is a waste of time. I have wasted countless hours thinking about this. From what I can tell, daycare has the potential to suck up my entire salary. I don't even want to put my baby in daycare. I always hoped to be a stay at home mom. On the other hand, I've also had 3 different people offer to take the baby for a day a week. Three down two to go, right? By the time it matters, I may have a new job. Who knows!
I need to focus on the one or two things in the immediate future. Thinking beyond any given month is pointless until I find my long lost Aunt Flo. I need to focus on getting my lard ass up and moving. I need to be conscious of the things that I'm putting in my mouth. I need to remember not to go down the road of counting chickens before they hatch. Instead of trying to deal with everything all at once, I shall tackle what is manageable and practical.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
So this morning, I went to my usual Saturday acupuncture appointment. On this day, the owner was covering for the acupuncturist that normally works.
I should explain that I go to a community acupuncture clinic. This means that instead of having individual treatment rooms, clients are treated in common rooms using distal points. This requires that you remove your shoes and socks, roll up your sleeves past your elbows, and your pant legs above your knees. Occasionally, if I'm having an LH surge, they will have me discreetly unbutton my pants and put a series of needles in my abdomen. In an effort to maintain privacy/dignity/(and in my case self respect), those needles are then covered with a light silk scarf. Today, my appointment went as usual and did not contain any points in my abdomen.
A short time after I settled in, another client came in and joined me in my room. This particular room can accommodate 4 patients since it has 4 recliner chairs. So, Cris is talking with the newest person to join the room and working on putting her needles in. The wispy new age naturey music is playing in the background. The white nosie machine is whirring quitely behind me. Suddenly (and rather abruptley, I dare say) someone enters the office kramer style. She walks past the curtain, then back to the door, and back past the curtain again into the check in room and says rather loudly "excuse me". So, I'm thinking this lady is clearly new or she is in not in the right place. Most people enter the office slowly and quietly, taking care to close the door softly behind them. Her entrance was none of these things.
A few minutes go by and I sort of forget about her. I continue to look at the framed photographs on the walls and try to give the illusion of privacy to the other woman being treated next to me. Due to the fact that I snore like a 747 at take off, I refuse to take a nap during my treatments. Too risky. Too embarrassing. So, I try to be respectful (and not creepily gawk at others) if there are other people in the room with me. So, Kramer Lady exits the check in area and is headed straight for my treatment area. I notice something about her is kind of... off.. but I'm trying not to look (although at this point I kind of can't help it). She appears, out of the corner of my straining eye, to be sort of I dunno, lumbering? Her head is kind of... forward, shoulders hunched... kind of reminds of me of the hyenas from the Lion King. She was definitely looking kind of wild eyed. Mostly when I think back, I remember her eyes... and also her nostrils were prominent.
So, she REALLY looks at each of us as she comes in the room. She inspects the chair directly across from me, pauses, and decides to pass it over for the one diagonally from me. She, I notice, is carrying a purse, keys, and what appears to be a white t-shirt. She places these items on the floor next to her chosen recliner. What happens next, I swear on my father's grave, is the Goddess' honest truth. She turns to face me and takes off her sweat shirt. For a moment, I'm like "oops, her other shirt is stuck inside the sweat shirt. Wow, she mustn't have any feeling on her back... HOLY SWEET JESUS SHE'S NAKED." For just a moment longer, I'm thinking that this poor woman is suddenly going to be living one of those naked-on-the-first-day-of-school dreams -- that is... until she just sits down. Bold as ever, with her SHEER white lace bra, she sits. She does not cover herself self consciously with her arms. She does not casually fold her arms in front of her. She just places her arms on the armrest of the chairs and sits casually. Meanwhile, Cris and the receptionist are in the process of leaving the room. I was unable to determine if either one of them noticed this happening as it was taking place. Just before I slammed my eyes closed, I did notice that her nipples were in fact visible.
By this point, I'm am desperately trying to think of anything else because I'M ABOUT TO LOSE MY FUCKING SHIT. I'm biting my lip as hard as I can and grinning, I'm sure from ear to ear. Inside my brain, I start reciting the alphabet as quickly as I can BACKWARDS to msyelf. I say this about 6 times and it just keeps getting easier. I'm still barely keeping the bursts of laughter from escaping my lips. My eyes are closed, but i am certain that there is nothing relaxed looking about them. They are clenched so tightly that I'm surprised I didn't pop my eyeballs. So, I'm like "shit! this alphabet shit is not working. Think sad thoughts. Dad! Dad dying... trying to picture the horrible last few days of his illness, oddly this makes things worse because I can't stay focused. My brain rushes forward with the thought that if my dad WERE here he'd be fucking busting a nut laughing. This makes me start tearing from witheld laughter. " Dudes, I was so dying. For 20 minutes I sat like this. As soon as the last needle was out, I threw my socks and shoes on and I rocketed out the door. I finally reached the car and I did not stop laughing for the 20 minutes that it took me to drive home. I called H and I cried through telling her the story. I was in the kind of laughter hysteria that normally is reserved for 3am. It was a bad scene.
The several people that I have relayed this story to, have tried to sort of come up wtih an excuse for why this might have happened. I cannot imagine how this could happen... unless it was on purpose. It was all very surreal. Like, I was thinking, "maybe I should open my eyes and look for the camera. Maybe I'm on candid camera (thank god today is not a belly needle day!)" My mom offered that perhaps "she wasn't really sure what to do?" H suggested that maybe she had shoulder trouble and maybe didn't own a tank top. To this I say, if you're in a new situation and you're not sure what you should be doing? Do you just whip your shirt off? It'd be like walking into an allergist office for the first time, not knowing what to expect, and taking your shirt off, then calmly sitting amongst the other people in the waiting room. I'm sorry, but when in an unknown situation, my first instinct is to leave my clothes on. ALL OF THEM. Also. Everyone else in the room was clothed. Aside from shirt sleeves, everything was fully buttoned. I cannot imagine what about that room (or the people in it) said NAKED to her.
After what seemed like an eternity, the owner came back into the room. I still had my eyes clenched tightly closed, and I hear her say "Can you put your shirt back on?" I'm still not sure how I survived that. Nor am I sure how Cris managed to say that with a straight face and how she managed to not laugh. I do applaud her professionalism. I'm not sure that I could've pulled it off. I do wish however, that I could've seen her face when she first noticed that the lady was nekkid.
The second best part... while I was sitting there after the Nekkid Kramer Lady had her needles in, I felt someone staring at me. So, I open my eyes and she was STARING AT ME. And I actually kind of jumped because I totally met her eye when I opened mine. How unnerving. Did someone pay her to come in there and do that?
Maybe I was just giddy, but this lady just seemed WEIRD. I could see maybe if the rooms were private or if there was no one else in there to start with that MAYBE it would seem the right thing to do? Or even maybe if she was getting that cleansing back treatment thingy, that would actually make sense. But I'm thinking... at least wear an opaque bra. Would she have done the same thing if there were men in the room? I dunno. The whole thing just really struck my funny bone. Is it me? I'm not bashful, but I also wouldn't take my clothes off in a room full of strangers.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
This blog isn't really going anywhere I noticed... that's because my cycle isn't going anywhere either. One day dear readers (all 3 of you), I will have something to say. I'm sure of it. Until then, you will be subjected to other useless drivel that I deem appropriate for this venue. And because it's my blog, I'll post off topic if I want to.
Other things I should do in moderation -- consumption of chocolate, pickles, and other salty items. I don't know if I'm just practicing, but I had pickles for breakfast EVERY DAY last week. I cannot get enough pickles! And not those bright yellow looking pickles either, no, I'm talking about a nice crisp fresh deli dill pickle.
Is anyone else freaking out about swine flu? I mean, I'm totally a germ-o-phobe. I'm actually starting to wonder how, in just a few short weeks, I am going to be able to leave the house. I wish the media would shut up about it already. If I'm going to die, I don't think I want to know about it in advance. I've been talking all kinds of non-sense about stocking up on hand sanitizers for fear that when the flu hits, that it will be impossible to find it in stock anywhere. Can you really predict a flu like a hurricane? The constant blow by blow is sure to have me institutionalized before the middle of this winter. I am truly certifiably emetophobic so the winter months are already torture for me. Add death to the list of possible afflictions also associated with puking and I'm bound to be rocking back in forth in a corner by Christmas.
I'd also like to give a shout out to a friend of mine who is working on this story. I'm totally hooked already and boy is she going to regret giving me that link. I'm a nag by nature and I want the next installment like... now. So, check it out: http://www.killerserials.net/
OH! I'm wicked awesome. I was supppose to cat sit for someone this weekend... and I forgot. Like I forgot to show up. For the record, I just want to say that I've NEVER forgotten to feed my cats or my dogs. Also, their cats have a free feeder of dry food, so they didn't starve at least. I was only suppose to show up and spoil them with good treats and some wet food. I still feel like a jerk. I can totally handle taking care of a kid, right?
Saturday, August 8, 2009
I'm exhausted -- could be that my apnea mask has been leaking most nights lately. I've put a call in to remedy that with a new mask.
Could be my hormones or my qi or whatever rearranging themselves and making me intermittently crazy, sad, normal -- sometimes all 3 at once.
So, I'm writing this post to remind me that things aren't so terrible. Even though I feel like everything is non-specifically horrible. Right? Because that makes sense. Yet, I still feel like I'm living on a rainbow and everything still looks gray.
Over the 4th of July Holiday, we did some dog sitting for friends:
As you can see, we are in the middle of a renovation project. This... display, shall we call it, catapulted is in a most amazing fashion, to the next step of the project:
Please excuse our drying rack. The project is still in progress. As you can see, the adhesive is coming through the primer on the floor and will need several more coats. I've gotten 2 down so far, but I think it needs at least 2 more, plus a real coat of paint before we can rip up the carpeting and do the other side of the room.
Getting a good night's rest proved to be a challenge. Well, at least for me. The others slept just fine. The little grey thing is my dog, Jack. The giant behemoth is Bella and the brown and white dog is Elby.
We also had a party. It was really great to see some old friends and their kids. It was even better to see that our old friends' kids became new friends that day!
And we got to see the triplets!
The garden flourished:
We ate yummy treats:
My little sister and I went to a Roller Derby bout which was great fun:
I went to Waterfire with H and some friends. The pictures really weren't noteworthy enough to post here.
Last weekend, H and I took a one night trip
to Northampton, MA
to see Tracy Chapman.
The night was full of odd events which started off with me popping a bra underwire right after dinner and then walking around the rest of the night with a flat tire. This interesting trend continued.
Tracy Chapman was AWESOME. Right up until about the end, when the crowd was pleading for an encore and the brawl broke out. I'm not even kidding and I'm REALLY disappointed that I was unable to get shots of that. What a terrifying experience that was. The fight broke out IN H'S SEAT. Somehow, H and I managed to not get sucked in, but it was close. The usher (a 60 something lady) was trying to push back a crowd of unruly dancers that had rushed the stage during the last song before the encore. Much to my surprise she was managing to do this -- right up until one of 5 drunk brunettes elbowed the blonde girl, who was sitting in front of H, right in the head. We're not sure if it was intentional or not, but there it was. Suddenly, the blonde girl LEAPT OUT OF HER CHAIR and DOVE with fists-a-flying right at the crowd of drunken brunette girls. Chairs were scattering, people were crowding around, and H was looking for her phone to call the police. The blonde girl, lost her dress. Literally.
Which brings me to the rules you should follow should you decide to engage in fighting activity.
1. Your clothing should be secured by more than one string. Sundresses do NOT make good fighting attire. But they might for the people around you... if you get what I mean.
2. You should not be out numbered. You should not take on 5 girls if you have no back up.
I'm sure there are more rules, but those are the two key items that I took away from that night.
After the concert, as we were walking back to the car, we saw two straight people having sex on a picnic table in the courtyard of City Hall, which is adjacent to the courthouse and across from the police station.
So, as you can see, I have plenty to feel happy about. I just need to get there. I'm working on it. I do recognize that I've had a great summer and I haven't been miserable all of the time. Just sometimes. And I'm clawing my way out from under this damned wet blanket.
Friday, July 24, 2009
I have gained back half of the weight I've lost.
I have been an insane lunatic this week.
I haven't been to Yoga since my Gall bladder attack.
I haven't been attentive to the blog, so you don't even know that I HAD a gall bladder attack.
I have forgotten to temp in the morning upon first waking for nearly a month. I keep remember when I'm already up and about.
I have turned 32.
I have hated everything lately and really I have no reason to hate anything. (see about about being an insane lunatic)
I have been so empathic about everything that I'm actually taking it all on.
sigh. Still I try to ovulate and then I don't. Still no cycle since January.
I am going broke.
I love Debbie Gibson. (more on that later.)
Thursday, May 21, 2009
So, headed into this long weekend, I wish you a hand out the window kind of day!
Days Go By - Keith Urban
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
It's supposed to be about how gorgeous it is out there today. Even if it was a bit much for April. It got us jump started on all kinds of projects. I have fertilized the yard and over seeded much of it. I'm hoping maybe for a thunderstorm in the next day or so to water that in nicely.
I also managed to head over to Trader Joe's and get most of the shopping completed. My plan that everyone else would be outside worked. I have strict rules about grocery shopping on weekends -- I can't stand a crowd. I find myself often wishing that TJ's stayed open all night or at least until 11:00. It's done at any rate and no little old ladies had to die.
H also got the new heirloom Irises that came in the mail on Friday in the ground -- along with 5 new "baby redy's" ( beech trees) from her parent's front yard. We're trying to figure out when the best time will be to plant our heirloom Canas, and heirloom rain lily's. H's mom used to have these canas that get 4 to 6 feet tall. So, we bought some and hope that we do well with them.
I can't wait to see these rain lily's. They sound so cool! They only bloom when it rains.
All of the links I provided are actually where we ordered the bulbs from. They seem to be a very small operation. We received a hand written welcome note and an explanation that one of the "samplers" that we purchased had to be substituted due to a higher than usual bulb loss at the green house this winter. They subsituted up price wise which was nice, but we really were happy to know that we were supporting such a small operation. :-) It's very well thought out though, you place your orders whenever and then they mail them according to what the weather is doing in your area. So, you could theorectically order fall bulbs now, but they wouldn't ship until it was the right time to put them in the ground. Cool huh? We thought so.
I thought today was going to be a bust for me because I got a wicked optical migraine. I don't always get a headache afterwards, but today I did. So, I took 4 advil and took a nap. I woke up feeling like a million bucks. I think I shouldn't have tried to read when I was having the spots in my vision, I think that might be what put me over the edge.
Got lots done today. Wish I didn't have to go back to work tomorrow. :-( I'm loving this preview of summer!
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Now I am taking FertilAid, FertilCM, FertiliTea, and the newest thing which I added today:
Xiao Yao Wan or Free & Easy Wanderer by Plum Flower Brand.
I'll let you know how it goes.
I had another + OPK yesterday, but as of today it doesn't look like I actually ovulated. I went for another acupuncture treatment today and she felt that perhaps there was still time to make it happen this cycle. So, I guess we'll see. All I can say is that I am SO thankful to my massage therapist for recommending this place. It's accupuncture in a community setting. So, instead of paying $100.00 for a treatment alone in a private room, it costs $15 to $35 on a sliding scale. You decide what to pay. The only difference is that you're in recliner chairs in a common room so they can treat more people in the same amount of space. I noticed no difference in the way it was done other than that AWESOME. They also don't seem to really mark their herbs up. I paid $8.00 for the ones I bought tonight -- it's an 8 day supply, but I can buy a 41 day supply for $32.00. I was spending $200.00 a month on the other stuff. So, hopefully these will work similarly.
Here's hoping I see a temperature rise tomorrow and that it continues on.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Monday, April 13, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
Check out this video too:
And for your reading pleasure:
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Seriously though, I tallied up all of the money I have spent on project baby since it began 1-06-09 and it's ridiculous.
Look at this!
I have done up a little budget and I am BLOWING IT. So, I have to stop with the magic custom herbs for now. Because my body is not co-operating, it is costing much more money than I expected per month. This is caused by the fact that I am stuck on Phase 2 -- which is $200.00 every 33 days. That's right -- they are a $.50 a pill. $6.00 a day, $3.00 a dose! That's more than Coffee from Dunkin Donuts! Normally phase 2 is taken for a short amount of time during the cycle, not months on end!
Plan B is that I'm going to continue peeing on sticks and charting my temps. Instead of the magic custom herbs, I am going to take FertilAid and FertilCM and FertiliTEA. The cost is much much much more affordable. I have read a lot of feedback about FertilAID and FertiliTEA on MDC and they swear by it. If I'm not cycling by the time I've lost more weight then (maybe 20lbs more?), I will re-address in 6 months from the first day I start taking it.
It will cost $124.02 for 3 months worth of FertilAID and FertilCM vs. $200.00 for magic custom herbs. I'm not ruling out the custom herbs, I just have to rule them out for now.
In the meantime, I'm taking donations. :-D H suggested I post a paypal link on my blog. She might be on to something! I should start a foundation that helps SMBC and Lesbian/Gay couples get resources to help defray the costs of this stuff. It's crazy! I hope my state will step up and get on the marriage wagon then my health insurance would cover everything I needed! At the rate I'm going, I won't have a house to put a baby in! Total insanity. I just want a baby. BADLY.
Everyone says to adopt... these people clearly have no idea how much that costs either. Totally out of my reach.
BAH! I'm so discouraged. I either need to win the lottery or find myself a sugar mama.
Monday, April 6, 2009
This past summer, there was a big meeting with our department and theirs to let us know that we would be inheriting the account maintenance for this other company. So, we all felt pretty secure in our jobs. Friday, we were told that they would be hiring 5 people in the Philippines to deal with the "simpler account portfolios" for our department and that they didn't think it would be likely that the bigger portfolios would be successfully managed there. So, the people here would have a shift in accounts, but that we would still be employed.
There's nothing I can do about it, I know... it's just nerve racking. It doesn't take a brain scientist to make the leap that moving some of the simpler portfolio's to the Philippines is probably a trial run to see how it works out. Obviously if it works well, then I'm sure we'll be seeing our jobs go there too.
I don't plan to leave this company unless I don't have a choice. I love my job, my management staff is awesome (although I could do without most of my peers). I just hate the feeling of not being in charge of my own fate.
The government needs to start imposing HUGE penalties for moving jobs over seas -- if this keeps up, where will the American People work!?! President Obama, Help US!!!!! How can you plan your life/FAMILY when you don't know when/if you'll be employed? I mean really? It's so scary!
I'm lucky to live with H in a house that is owned (and has no mortgage) by her family. We pay a pretty hefty rent, but I am fairly certain that her parents won't throw us out of there if we lose our jobs. So, that helps a little, but I have LOTS OF BILLS! I don't know how I'd ever keep up.
Anyone have any suggestions for starting your own business?
Thursday, March 26, 2009
I'm on CD45 so far with no hint toward ovulation again since that first time. I'll guess we'll see how it goes.
I am excited to report however, that I have lost 20 pounds and 2 1/2 inches off of my waist! Woot! Although... I still feel that I have a lot more to go along the lines of true "fitness". I have, however, acheieved my 2nd short term goal.
The first goal was accomplished when I reached 10 consecutive weeks of "fitness".
The second goal was the 20 pound mark.
Next up, 6.8 more pounds to reach the 10% of body weight lost. (Please don't do the math to figure out my starting weight!) I also hope to have lost a total of 30 pounds by the time the Cystic Fibrosis walk comes in May. Although, I think that might be overzealous since my weekly weight loss has slowed considerably since I first started.
Ultimately, my first BIG goal for "fitness" is to reach the 20% mark of total body weight loss. The Reproductive Endocrinologist claims that my cycle will magically re-appear. I seriously doubt this because this problem was ocurring many more pounds before that. I guess we'll see. Regardless, I want to lose the weight so I can have a healthy pregnancy and that means in my eyes, that I need to lose at least 50 more pounds from where I am now -- preferably more. Oy.
In all actuality, I've given myself a year to "get ready". If I start to cycle reliably sooner than that, then I may have to reconsider my plan, weight be damned. I doubt that is likely, but I'm not getting any younger and who knows how many tries it would take for anything to "stick". I can still try and continue my "fitness" plan.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Born Thanksgiving Day 2008 at a little over 6 pounds!
Not the best pictures because of the glass, but he's damn cute! His name is Taji.
Taji is not the only celebrity at the zoo right now. He's father Ramses (above left) is apparently one of only 12 or so white lions in captivity. He was featured in People Magazine last spring.
Friday, March 13, 2009
I did ask for some recommended reading so I can learn more about the theory behind these treatments and what they do.
- Live in the Balance: The Ground-Breaking East-West Nutrition Program by Linda Prout
- Treatment of Infertility with Chinese Medicine by Jane Lyttleton
I just ordered 3 books from Amazon (that I don't have yet), so I won't be ordering these for a bit. When I've read them, I'll try to report back.
This is me today.
I cannot stop eating.
I have eaten so much... that I have only 4 points left on my daily points for dinner. (I have plenty of weekly points to borrow from thankfully.)
I know that I'm actually hungry as opposed to just thinking I am because I have eaten (as well as a lot of other stuff) 3 apples and a HUMONGOUS salad. No one over eats on vegetables and apples.
The question is... why the heck am I so ravenous!?
Monday, March 9, 2009
I hate using public restrooms, but I have to pee like crazy -- particularly at work when I'm drinking my water all day long.
So, I try to touch as little as possible when I go into the bathroom. All the while, I am incredibly concious that I do not touch my face with my hands until I've washed. I then dry my hands with a paper towel, which I retain and use to open the door. Even better if the door pushes to open, then I just use my foot.
At work, they are kind enough to provide a nearly entirely touchless bathroom experience (or what I consider to be bathroom nirvana). The soap, toilet, water, and papertowels are all equipped with motion detection. (Although I still have to use a papertowel to open the door.)
So, today, as I'm sitting upon the toilet on my little paper doiley-- that I'm sure does nothing but give me the false sense that I'm not sitting in dried pee drippings (damn hoverers) -- I watched, through the crack in the stall, a person who just left a toilet area - quickly put her hands under the water for like 5 seconds and then proceed to rub them in her curly hair to fix some frizz. I was horrified. She then went to the touchless (THANK GOD) blower and dried her hands and left.
SHE DID NOT USE ANY SOAP! So, now she has PEE HAIR!
The worst part is that I have seen this same person on at LEAST 3 other occasions fail to use soap after leaving the toilet. I did try to give her the benefit of the doubt -- thinking maybe I missed it -- but still disapproved of how little she washed her hands. (No where NEAR the 30 seconds that is recommended!) Now, there is NO mistaking whether or not she uses soap, because the new touchless dispensers make noise when they squirt.
I frequently sit on the toilet and observe the leaving patrons to see if they are washing their hands properly. I tell you... it is far more common that you want to know.
My other public bathroom pet peeve (besides hovering tinklers) - is those that do not flush.
Today, upon exiting the stalls in sync. H said to me...
"I can't believe that lady just walked in there and used that toilet! I mean, she had to flush the Spinning Turd of Destruction 2 times. What if it had clogged?! Do you think I would've been able to launch myself off the toilet and out of the stall because it overflowed?? You know the lady that was at the stink left that turd in there. How could she do that? I mean it was STILL SPINNING when I got to it! What kind ofperson leaves a spinning turd???"
She is so right though! I am with John Cage -- I like a fresh bowl and I think they should in fact make toilet remotes. I refuse to flush someone else's stuff. I mean, I don't even like flushing my own. Those toilets flush with such force that I fear that they are spitting tiny turdular particals into the air which one could then inhale. So, I am very careful not to step too far away from the toilet while I'm putting myself back together. This way, I can make a run for it and be out of the stall before it flushes! I have actually been known to cover my face in my shirt while still in the stall if I feel I have strayed too far and may have triggered the auto flusher.
Another thing. At the two large companies I have worked, the coffee stations are ALWAYS located near the bathroom. I'm sure this is for convenience sake, but in my opinion it is HORRIBLE PLANNING. Imagine this: Curly Red Headed Pee hair girl leaves the bathroom with her unwashed hands and her pee hair and decides to grab a cup of coffee.
1. She grabs the stack of cups (that eveyrone insists on pulling out of the protective, hygienic, plastic sleeve) and separates a cup while in the process of touching the lips of several cups when trying to pull them apart.
2. Next, with her pee (possibly poop) hands she reaches for the handle of the coffee pot (we're going to assume for the purposes of this example that she doesn't need to make a new pot because I'm not sure I have time to type out all ofthe horrors of that scenario) and pours some coffee into her cup.
3. Creamer is then added to her coffee which has been lifted and poured with her nasty hands.
4. Time to stir the coffee! She then reaches her tinkle ridden digits into the entire box of coffee stirrers... not taking care to be sure to grab JUST ONE and in the process touches about 10 or 12 stirrers.
5. Two minutes later, you walk up with your washed hands and follow the same procedure. God only knows, what you're about to ingest!
So, are you a checker? Do you watch for the non-handwashers of your company? I have been resisting the urge to leave a note on her desk telling her how gross it is that she doesn't wash her hands properly. God knows what she's infecting us all with!
Do you check to make sure you've left no bits behind in the toilet when you're done? I really hope so.
I think we should start a movement... maybe tickets should be handed out for failure to void your turds, or negligent and gross soap neglect.
Some day, maybe I'll tell you about the crazy lady that sits behind H. She has been known to hock lugies into her trash can while still sitting at her desk...
Friday, March 6, 2009
I've moved back to taking Phase 2.
Here's a summary of what Patricia had to say over the last few days:
"Phase 3 is taken from + OPK until the temp rise, usually from 3' F to 1' F, which indicates that you have in fact ovulated. If the temp rise does not last it can indicate that your body was trying to ovulated but the chemistry was still just not right and ovulation may have failed. In this case I recommend staying on phase 3 for 3 days, if the temp spikes again and stays up you stop phase 3 and start phase 4. If the temp does not spike go back to phase 2 and continue nourishing yin. Yin generates yang so if you don't have enough yang to trigger an ovulation you go back to building yin which will in turn strengthen yang to try to release an egg again. To clarify, you are never on phase 3 and 4 at the same time 3 leads into 4. "
"It looks to me like you didn't actually ovulate. Your body is trying hard but the temp. didn't stay up and the temps at the beginning are really high. So it looks like the whole thing is off. It's almost backwards. A normal biphasic pattern on a chart would be lower temps in the follicular phase(first 14 days) then higher temps in the luteal phase(last fourteen days). So we still have some work to do. But I'm really encouraged that you got your period so give it time it will balance out. Your working hard and your doing a lot of really healthy things so it will be reflected in time on the chart. "
Thursday, March 5, 2009
At the request of Sarah over at *just* a mom here is what my current chart looks like:
A couple of things to note:
1. This is my first cycle after coming off of birth control pills.
2. My temperature spike and my + OPK occurred on the same day.
3. The next day the temp kind of plunged, which I think means that my body tried to ovulate and then didn't.
4. I only got a very little bit of EWCM and in general, not much is going on in that department at all.
I sent the chart to Patricia, I'm hoping to hear back from her today. I need to figure this out because I either need to start Phase 4, or go back to Phase 2 and try again.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
At 8:20am this morning, my car was 19 degrees. I am typically a person who cannot get cool. Well, today, I cannot get warm! I don't know if it's the weight loss (20 lbs in 8 weeks!) or the fact that my hormones are getting reaquainted or what. But damnit, I need a hot chocolate.
Also, my allergies feel that spring is already here. Not to be gross, but I must have blown my nose 20 times this morning before I left the house. I want to stick something sharp in my ear and take a fork to the back of my throat to stop the itching. THANK GOD I am going to the allergist tomorrow. I'm glad he insisted on seeing me back in 6 months... I need something more.
I'm still continuing to chart and I am unclear as to how this whole thing is supposed to work. I guess I should pick up a copy of Taking Charge of Your Fertility. After I got a temperature spike Thursday morning and my positive p-stick on Thursday afternoon, I assumed everything went off without a hitch. Now, I'm not so sure.
My temperature plummeted on Friday morning and I thought that I recalled that it should kind of stay up. So, I contacted Patricia to let her know I needed to order some Phase 4 (because I thought I was about to ovulate) -- and then I asked for some clarification on when to begin taking it. This only confused me further.
On Friday night, about 30 hours after my + OPK I thought I felt ovulatory pain. So, what I'm trying to find out now, is what my temperature should be doing. It's been going up a little bit each day since then, but not all that high. I just sent her my charts so hopefully she'll be able to explain what's going on.
I think if I'm understanding this correctly, I should've gotten a + OPK, THEN a temperature spike. But I got temp spike in the morning, - opk in the morning, + OPK in the afternoon, and then a - OPK in the evening. The following morning after temperature spike, my temperature plummeted and has had a gradual rise since then.
Today is CD24 (cycle day 24) ... + OPK (ovulation predictor kit - pstick) was on CD18.
I'm so confused!
Friday, February 27, 2009
But did you ever imagine... that it really might!??
After doing some research on each of the herbs that are in the two formulas I listed yesterday, I found the following:
E Jiao (Ass Hide Glue, Donkey Hide Gelatin)
Nothing like a nice piece of Ass.... (C'mon it had to be said... and I wasn't the one that came up with it... you can blame Gina for that!)
A new state law that takes effect Sunday allows women to breastfeed or bottle-feed their babies in public places. An earlier law exempted breastfeeding mothers from indecent-exposure laws. The new law goes a step further and explicitly allows breastfeeding in public. Forty-one other states have similar laws.
"There is a long history of women being asked to leave public places to cover themselves up or to stop breastfeeding," says Erin Dugan, breastfeeding coordinator at the Rhode Island Department of Health.
Breastfeeding protects mothers and babies from numerous health problems and can lower the baby's risk of obesity later in life. But breastfeeding is a demanding endeavor. An infant needs to eat eight to 12 times every 24 hours, and the mother needs to feed her baby whenever the baby is hungry to maintain her milk supply.
That's why public breastfeeding is necessary, Dugan says. "We want to normalize breastfeeding in Rhode Island," she says.
Under the new law, if a person or business attempts or plans to bar breastfeeding, a woman can obtain a court order to prevent future violations and also can get compensation and attorney's fees.
The Health Department has been notifying business organizations about the new law and has fact sheets to help guide employers.
Well, it's about time! http://www.health.ri.gov/family/breastfeeding/laws.php
Thursday, February 26, 2009
When I was pretty sure that I was seeing what I thought I was seeing, I called H over. I opened the drawer and pointed. Her reaction, "Ut oh... that was a lot quicker than I thought it'd be!"
I am absolutely stunned that it worked on the first shot! I hope that the rest of this will happen just as easily. Now to begin the arduous task of finding a donor whether frozen or friend... how does one go about asking that sort of thing? Does a known donor work out? I know fresh is always better than frozen.... although not necessarily the case with vegetables.
I find the vast number of things to consider in sperm positively daunting. I also found that I am way more picky in my sperm than I am when picking friends or partners. I mean I don't request genetic details upfront... perhaps I should consider this in the future...
I was able to get some information on the two herbs I have taken so far.
Phase 2 -- take beginning cycle day 3 until positive OPK is called Gui Shao Di Huang Tang but with Modifications - "expels dampness and promotes urination" (YEP! it sure does... I pee ALL THE TIME NOW)
Beginning Cycle Day 3 - 6 capsules 2x's daily until + OPK ( I actually started cycle day 5 because the herbs weren't ready)
My exact mixture is:
- Sheng Di Huang 12.0 grams
- SHAN YAO 10.0
- SHAN ZHU YU 10.0
- FU LING 10.0
- MU DAN PI 5.0
- ZE XIE 5.0
- DANG GUI 10.0
- BAI SHAO 10.0
- CHAUN XIONG 10.0
- BAI ZHU 10.0
- CHEN PI 5.0
Phase 3 - which I think is what helps build a healthy place for implantation is called Wen Jing Tang "invigorates blood and dispel stasis" more info: http://www.sacredlotus.com/formulas/get.cfm/chinese_formula/wen_jing_tang
To be taken as follows: 6 pills 2x's daily for 6 days beginning with + OPK
BAN XIA 6.00
MAI MEN DONG 9.00
WU ZHU YU 9.00
SHENG JIANG 6.00
DANG GUI 9.00
BAI SHAO 6.00
GUI ZHI 6.00
JI XUE TENG 15.00
E JIAO 6.00
MU DAN PI 6.00
REN SHEN 6.00
GAN CAO 6.00
ZAO JIAO CI 9.00
DAN NAN XING 5.00
DA FU PI 9.00
That's all I've got. It's late! I have to get to bed! Nighty night!