Friday, February 27, 2009

This Tastes Like Ass

We've all said it... this smells like Ass... this tastes like Ass... this looks like Ass...

But did you ever imagine... that it really might!??

After doing some research on each of the herbs that are in the two formulas I listed yesterday, I found the following:

E Jiao (Ass Hide Glue, Donkey Hide Gelatin)

Nothing like a nice piece of Ass.... (C'mon it had to be said... and I wasn't the one that came up with it... you can blame Gina for that!)

Starting Sunday, R.I. will allow breastfeeding in public

Starting Sunday, R.I. will allow breastfeeding in public7:11 AM Fri, Feb 27, 2009 Felice Freyer Email
A new state law that takes effect Sunday allows women to breastfeed or bottle-feed their babies in public places. An earlier law exempted breastfeeding mothers from indecent-exposure laws. The new law goes a step further and explicitly allows breastfeeding in public. Forty-one other states have similar laws.
"There is a long history of women being asked to leave public places to cover themselves up or to stop breastfeeding," says Erin Dugan, breastfeeding coordinator at the Rhode Island Department of Health.
Breastfeeding protects mothers and babies from numerous health problems and can lower the baby's risk of obesity later in life. But breastfeeding is a demanding endeavor. An infant needs to eat eight to 12 times every 24 hours, and the mother needs to feed her baby whenever the baby is hungry to maintain her milk supply.
That's why public breastfeeding is necessary, Dugan says. "We want to normalize breastfeeding in Rhode Island," she says.
Under the new law, if a person or business attempts or plans to bar breastfeeding, a woman can obtain a court order to prevent future violations and also can get compensation and attorney's fees.
The Health Department has been notifying business organizations about the new law and has fact sheets to help guide employers.


Well, it's about time!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Ovia's in Da House! Can I get a woot?!?

So today was the big day! I had a temperature spike this morning, so I brought a p-stick with me to work and tested around Noon. It was kind of weird peeking in my desk drawer every few minutes to see what it was doing... and then subsequently peeking in the drawer periodically to look one more time to make sure I wasn't imagining it.

When I was pretty sure that I was seeing what I thought I was seeing, I called H over. I opened the drawer and pointed. Her reaction, "Ut oh... that was a lot quicker than I thought it'd be!"

I am absolutely stunned that it worked on the first shot! I hope that the rest of this will happen just as easily. Now to begin the arduous task of finding a donor whether frozen or friend... how does one go about asking that sort of thing? Does a known donor work out? I know fresh is always better than frozen.... although not necessarily the case with vegetables.

I find the vast number of things to consider in sperm positively daunting. I also found that I am way more picky in my sperm than I am when picking friends or partners. I mean I don't request genetic details upfront... perhaps I should consider this in the future...

I was able to get some information on the two herbs I have taken so far.

Phase 2 -- take beginning cycle day 3 until positive OPK is called Gui Shao Di Huang Tang but with Modifications - "expels dampness and promotes urination" (YEP! it sure does... I pee ALL THE TIME NOW)

Beginning Cycle Day 3 - 6 capsules 2x's daily until + OPK ( I actually started cycle day 5 because the herbs weren't ready)

My exact mixture is:

  • Sheng Di Huang 12.0 grams
  • SHAN YAO 10.0
  • SHAN ZHU YU 10.0
  • FU LING 10.0
  • MU DAN PI 5.0
  • ZE XIE 5.0
  • DANG GUI 10.0
  • BAI SHAO 10.0
  • CHAUN XIONG 10.0
  • BAI ZHU 10.0
  • CHEN PI 5.0

Phase 3 - which I think is what helps build a healthy place for implantation is called Wen Jing Tang "invigorates blood and dispel stasis" more info:

To be taken as follows: 6 pills 2x's daily for 6 days beginning with + OPK

Mixture is:

BAN XIA 6.00
WU ZHU YU 9.00
GUI ZHI 6.00
E JIAO 6.00
MU DAN PI 6.00
GAN CAO 6.00
DA FU PI 9.00

That's all I've got. It's late! I have to get to bed! Nighty night!

Monday, February 23, 2009

Ovia and Cap'n

Ovia is a fairy of sorts-- the fairy god mother of ovulation if you will -- I have not yet been blessed by Ovia.

Ovia has a faithful sidekick Cap'n.

Together, they will get you a baby!

As of today, I have had 10 full days of Phase 2 herbs. No sign yet of any little hatchlings (no + p-stick yet and no temp spike.) I emailed Patricia today and she is going to order more phase 2 since I have only about 3.5 day supply left. I think I need to continue phase 2 until I get a positive p-stick.

Speaking of temperature spikes... I know I mentioned how much my thermometer collection sucks. I will soon be trying out yet another one (thanks for the hand me down Monica!), I'll let you know how it goes. One good thing though... the directions for the last one I purchased -- says "for oral use only" EUREKA! At least we have an answer to the burning question of "HOW do you take a basal temperature?"

It's a pretty slow news day otherwise. I was feeling a little under the weather over the weekend -- I couldn't figure out if it was the beginnings of a cold or allergies. Naturally, I feel just ducky today at work... but I'm grateful to not be sick. I am especially grateful that I am well because it seems like everyone has the pukey flu. I am horrendously puke phobic (the official term is Emetophobic) -- I have the worst panic attacks -- even seeing it on TV makes me extremely uncomfortable. (Just one more reason why the LWORD sucked ASS last night. That show is infuriating... I'm glad it's the last season. I'm tired of wasting my money -- and yet I always feel compelled to continue on with it.)
If you haven't seen Jesus Has Two Mommies, you should definitely do so. I saw it twice live and it is just hilarious. It does lose a little in the video version, but I don't think there are any plans to perform it live again. It's just brilliant.

Friday, February 20, 2009

National Organization for Marriage - Get OUT OF RHODE ISLAND!!!

This infuriates me beyond belief.

"Aren't you tired of legislators that can't keep their priorities straight -- tell them to stop messing around with gay marriage and get back to work". Oh, I'm sorry, I thought civil rights WAS work!

You can listen to the hateful bits here:—-help-us-stop-them-before-next-weeks-hearing/

Just click the arrow that's in the middle of the page, it's not real obvious.

Don't they know I'm unstable right now? Seriously, this bitch is going to start slapping people any minute.


H had the nifty idea to use the website email your legislator function to write a counter version of the letter using their site and resources. BRILLIANT I say BRILLIANT.

Here's my version of the letter which actually includes the text that their email generator defaults to (Please feel to steal it and send it on yourself):

SUBJECT: PLEASE SUPPORT Gay marriage bill 0147

To: John F. McBurney, Leo R. Blais, Michael J. McCaffrey, Erin P. Lynch, Maryellen Goodwin, Rhoda E. Perry, Paul V. Jabour, Harold M. Metts, Charles J. Levesque, Christopher B. Maselli, Your State Representative(s)
From: [Your Name]

As a concerned citizen of Rhode Island, I am asking you to PLEASE SUPPORT GAY MARRIAGE.

The message below is an example of hate, fear mongering, and just plain ignorance.

I am not asking you to redefine marriage, I am asking you to do what is right and grant every citizen of this state the right to a civil marriage to be recognized by this state. We are flanked by two states that have already done this... let's join them and show that Rhode Island believes in equal rights for ALL.

PLEASE PASS Senate Bill 0147 -- and do the right thing... the right thing is sometimes radical, but it's still the right thing.

Please REJECT SB0136 -- love makes a family and love makes a marriage, not gender. Protect ALL of Rhode Island's children -- give them security by allowing their straight and gay mom's and dad's the right to marry.

I'm not asking to take away any religious groups rights. I don't think that they should be required to hold ceremonies for relationships that they feel their faith disallows. I'm asking, that the license that joins two people into a committed LAWFUL union be granted to all of Rhode Island's citizens. Call it whatever you want, but if it's granted by the state it should be the same for everyone. Separate is not equal.


For too long, concerned Rhode Islanders have been told that our efforts to protect marriage are a waste of time. But now, a handful of activists are pushing a Senate Bill 0147, a radical same-sex marriage bill currently pending before the Judiciary Committee.

I urge you to oppose SB0147, and instead support SB0136, protecting our state's time-tested understanding of marriage as the union of a husband and wife, providing their children with the love and security of their own mother and father.

Already, the recognition of same-sex marriage and civil unions has threatened the civil rights of religious groups opposed to same-sex marriage, as exemptions prove far to thin for the realities of modern life. Catholic Charities has been deprived of its adoption license; a Methodist group has been denied tax exemption for refusing to permit a civil union ceremony on its property. And this is just the tip of what is sure to be a much larger iceberg.

Thank you for your consideration of this important issue. Please vote to protect marriage and vote no on same-sex marriage.


(your name here)
(your address here)

How Many Thermometers Does It Take To Get An Accurate Basal Body Temperature?

At least three in my experience... and I'm not even sure that they are accurate.

I bought the first thermometer at Walgreens -- it was their store brand and the only model they seem to carry. It was around $10.00. I used this one for about 2 days, when it started to act like it needed a new battery.

So, instead, I ordered this one :

It also worked for only a few days. Yesterday morning, it seemed like it was taking forever for the thermometer to beep. So, I look and the damn thing shut off. I turn it back on stick it in my mouth, and cross my eyes to see the display. I watch it count up, pause, and turn off. WTF???

I'm one of those people who can never have a cell phone, cordless phone, or watch for any length of time without killing the batteries. Seriously though, I haven't had these things for more than 2 weeks... surely that is not the cause.

Does anyone know a good brand of basal thermometer? Basal thermometers read like this 98.60 instead of 98.6. Apparently the extra digit makes all the difference.

The thing I'm most peeved about is the fact that now I'm not sure if the huge drop in temperature yesterday was due to the use of the walgreens thermometer instead of the one I bought online. Who knows. Oh, and I replaced the battery in the Walgreens one, but they are made so cheaply that the battery doesn't stay seated and that is what was causing my low battery signal. It wasn't making a full connection. Good.

I'm now down $23.00 and still I don't have a consistently working thermometer.

Hormonal Whiplash


I have always hated birth control pills. I now have a renwed hatred for them.

Yesterday, I felt so pissy all day long. It's like coming down off of some illicit drug or something. Everything is all out of whack, I have the most gimongous zits -- I NEVER get zits. And these aren't just your little pimples, no these are big honking things that are like the size of peas and hard like marbles. And they HURT. Thankfully they are not really in visible places, but that's gross in a whole different way. At least I can keep it as my own little secret. Or our little secret I suppose...

On top of that, I alternately want to hurt things and cry. Sometimes even, when I'm lucky, I'll want to do both simultaneously. Today is Day 12 -- which means I've been "clean" (from Birth Control Pills) for 16 days. I sure hope this runs quickly out of my system and restores me back to the person I know and love.

Poor H, she gets the brunt of it. She's a teaser by nature. And by nature, I'm typically really good about being teased and harassed. I have no patience ever. At this moment, I'm negative patience. And right now, H is headless and reeking of shit.

I'm hoping that yesterday is, well yesterday, and that today I will start to feel like myself again. I feel like my blood is boiling and jumping up and down in my veins at the same time. Very agitated. I'm starting to get a headache. I think I really just need a nap and some snuggles. Sadly, I'm at work and the dog and my bed are at home.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Not a hen yet...

Since I am notoriously impatient, it is no surprise that when I received my p-sticks on Friday I immediately ran to the bathroom and tinkled on one. After a bit of a hub bub with my roommate about WHERE we would be resting the pending p-sticks after tinklage has taken place, it was negative.

It was brought to my attention that the edge of the bathroom sink was NOT in fact the proper place to rest one's tinkle residue ridden diagnostic tools. The proper place I am told is on the window sill, where unsuspecting hand washers (and I think we all know that H is compulsive about this) will never encounter said device. And then it must be clorox wiped "every. time.".

Personally, I thought the edge of the sink made perfect sense so it could be cleaned easily. Emphatically not. So, I instead rest the covered tinkle swab on the original package on a Clorox wipe on the window sill. So far so good. I thought this was a bad idea -- I'll let you know what happens when the cat decides to bat it off of the sill onto the floor.

BTW, did I tell you the cheapest place to buy tinkle sticks of various sorts? Well, if I didn't, it is .

Right, so, no hatching for me yet. Also not surprising, since technically I was told to start peeping on sticks today... which I haven't done yet.

Every time I think about ovulation, I think about that bunny from the Cadbury Cream Egg commercial from the early 1980's. He's sitting making a chicken like clucking noise "buhck buchk buhck" and then he gets up and suddenly there are eggs. I said to H last night, "hey, maybe I'll lay some eggs with the Cadbury Bunny" She admitted to me how magical she also found that to be as a child -- and that it was a driving factor behind the obsession that she also has with Cadbury Cream Eggs. Truly brilliant programming by Cadbury... I personally was also fascinated with the true egg like appearance when they pulled them apart. Really, how DID they get the yellow in there and make it round like a yolk? I'm pretty sure it's because the bunny really DID lay those eggs. They are magical.

When I was little, my dad told me that chocolate was actually Easter Bunny poop. This did not deter me from consuming massive amounts of chocolate, however, which is no doubt what he was going for. I think it actually made me eat more...

I'm looking forward to Easter... it has some of my favorite candy... Cadbury Cream Eggs, Miniature Cadbury Eggs with the hard coating, DOVE EGGS (dark chocolate mmmmmmmm), and of course Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs. I will not be consuming the tons that I usually do since it is counter productive to my "fitness" plan, but I definitely plan to partake.

Can you still find the little tins of chocolate cigarettes or are those considered to be inappropriate these days? I used to really love those -- from Fannie Farmer I think.

Lastly, it's my blog and I'll be off topic if I want to. ;-)

Monday, February 16, 2009

Daddy's Hands

This June 15th it will be 3 years since I lost my dad to metastatic colon cancer. And while that's sad and I miss him terribly, I'm pretty sure he's still with me. My dad and I were a lot a like. Sometimes we got along great because of it, and other times we really wanted to kill each 0ther. Usually, it had to do with me about to make a mistake that he made, and him trying to tell me not to make it. My dad has always been there to guide me every step of the way.

The last 9 or so years have been full of drama and learning and growing. At times it was just a little too much, more sometimes than I thought I could handle. First the figuring out that I was gay, the subsequent break-up of my marriage, having to move back home with my parents, my father's diagnosis, struggling to maintain a relationship with my ex-husband... it was just all happening almost all at once. I really just felt like I was being swallowed by the grief and constant personal growth. I used to be a person who just just so happy all of the time. I think I was probably even one of those people who was so happy it was kind of annoying. I really just didn't have anything to NOT be happy about. So, I really had a hard time dealing with the drama and didn't feel prepared for it all.

Don't get me wrong, a lot of good things happened during that time too, but they never seemed to burn as brightly as the negative things. Looking back now, I'm appreciative of what I've learned. I'm so grateful for H and for everything that she did to help me through that time and how's she's never faltered since. I'm grateful for my parents who never blinked and just took me back into the house and never once looked at me differently. I'm grateful for Monica who told me I wasn't going crazy and for the weekend in DC where she helped me sort my shit out ( I got the WORST sunburn of my life that weekend). Lastly, I'm grateful that when I look back, I can see my life starting to right itself again.

I struggled for a long time with my inability to maintain a civil relationship with my ex. It was really hard and I kind of gave up on it. I thought, sometimes you just gotta let it go. So, I did -- but struggled with it. About 9 months ago, I bumped into him and his wife at a baby shower for some mutual friends of ours that were having triplets. I was so uncomfortable and didn't know what to say. It was sort of bizarre and surreal to see him with his girls. When we were leaving they both told me that they wanted to keep in touch and I should quit being such a stranger. I was like "yeah, okay -- but we're going to need to talk about some things first, but not now it's not really the time." I honestly had absolutely no intention of doing anything about it. I figured it was unlikely that I would hear from them anyway. (Don't worry there is a point to all of this.) A couple of weeks later, I got an email saying that their oldest daughter had cystic fibrosis. I should tell you that my cousin has cystic fibrosis -- and so I was very familiar with the disease and I knew they had to be devastated and terrified. I was a bit shocked to get the email in the first place... and I really just felt bad for them. I also felt like I could give them some insight. So, I called them. I can honestly say that if she had not been diagnosed, that I probably would not have reconnected with them. But my point is that I feel like something has been behind all of this -- pushing me in the right direction -- no matter how stubborn I was being. Despite myself, I picked up the phone and called... and at the same time I didn't really want to be doing it, but I couldn't not call either. I wondered then if he was behind this because my dad knew how profoundly difficult it was for me that things were just not working for us. I also know that he knows how stubborn I am and that if I said I 'd had enough, I'd had enough. I really can't think of a single other thing that would have moved me to make that decision to call. Whatever the case, I did and I am so grateful for that too. I think it was like finding the first two connecting pieces in a puzzle.

In a very short amount of time, I have healed so much from that. The guilt is finally really and truly gone. H and I just love hanging out with them -- they've become some of our favorite people. I think the best part is that it's not weird at all, we talk openly about everything, and it's just great. Not long ago, during one of our many ridiculously late nights at their house (we've apparently had a lot to catch up on) I was telling them that I really want to have kids. I also explained my fertility issues etc. and off handedly mentioned that I really just needed to lose some weight etc.

New Years Eve, I received a proposal (no, not the marrying kind) from Sandy to partner up with her and try to eat healthy and exercise. It was a short goal of 20 weeks. I was like, ugh. I wicked don't want to... but I will at least try to exercise. She basically wanted me to be her conscience and someone to nag her weekly for a weigh in. So, the first week I didn't do any exercise at all... but I started to count my points. I wasn't really watching what I was eating at first, just sort of checking out how badly I was eating. (REALLY bad!) As the week went on, I just sort of started trying to stay within points. And I lost some weight. Suddenly, it wasn't really seeming too bad. In fact, it was kind of easy. Please fit puzzle piece #3 here.

About two weeks into that, I received a ping from a friend at work. She knows that I've been freaking out about my fertility and my age, etc. She also knew that I was planning in next couple of years to go it alone regardless of whether or not I've met the right person. Right from the beginning, she was super supportive etc. So, she starts to say, I have a link that I wanted to send you that I think would be helpful. I just don't want you to take it the wrong way or think that I'm trying to be nosey or whatever. I just thought that you would find it helpful. And basically she, in so many words, was like I'm not trying to out you... but I pretty much think I have your number and it's cool and I think that this is worth the risk. So, she sends me the link to this blog: I was like, no worries. You've got it right... and I'm not at all offended. Really, I couldn't thank you enough! I realize the huge risk that you took in doing that and I'm so glad you did. Puzzle piece #4 goes right about here.

For awhile now, I've wanted a recumbent bike. I've been searching craigslist but really didn't have much luck. I looked into renting one, but cost wise it just didn't make sense. However, the guy at casters ( was so incredibly nice. He spent a good amount of time telling me what to look for in a recumbent bike, features not to bother upgrading for, and also to be cautious and make sure that I buy something that can be serviced locally. His best recommendation was to get a Schwinn. He had absolutely nothing to gain... he knew his bikes were priced out of my budget but he took the time. About two days later, I searched craigslist for a Schwinn recumbent bike. I had only 2 other restrictions: 1. The bike had to be in or near the town I live in because I don't like driving the pick up truck, particularly in the snow. 2. It had to come in on my budget of $200.00 or less. Please insert puzzle piece 5 here. The bike fit all of those criteria. I picked the bike up that night.

I mentioned in an earlier post that my massage therapist recommended a particular acupuncturist to me. I didn't end up seeing the one that I was supposed to. The woman made the appt. with me, but she didn't say that I'd be seeing a different person. Had she told me that, I might not have gone through with it. You might recall, that this woman knew H and her family. She was willing to work with me through the money issues etc. I'm pretty sure this deserves a puzzle piece #6.

The weeks have gone by and I'm about to into my 7th week of "fitness". (Yes I feel it still needs the "") So far so good, it's still coming pretty easily. After meeting with the acupuncturist and getting a plan together to make this happen has made me all that much more focused.

Plus... I found free Yoga. If that's not a sign, I don't know what is... but I sure as shit cannot afford all this crap and to pay for Yoga too.

My point in all of this (if you're still following along congratulations!) is that it has all come together too easily. Much of it has also come together, despite decisions I would have made or things I was not planning to do. Maybe it's just that I can't really believe that he's gone, but damn it... I swear that he's behind me guiding me much the way your partner will guide you with their hand on your back through a crowd -- and making these things come together for me. If it's not him, I don't care. I just like the idea of it and really, I do think it is him. Maybe I'm crazy. I'm definitely not religious (even though I did see Jesus when I was 4), but I do believe in something even if I don't know what it is. It's just that my dad is the only one who really knows how I tick -- he's probably the only one who would know how to manipulate me to make the right choices --which is really all he was ever trying to do.

So, I hope I'm making him proud. I'm going to try to hear him better this time around. For the first time in a long time, I think I've got myself back. I thought it was gone forever, but I really feel content and just plain happy.

Friday, February 13, 2009

No, you don't smoke them...

The magic herbs arrived today. I have to say... they don't look that expensive.
I'd have expected maybe some gold leaf on the packaging, but no.

I am to take 6 capsules twice daily until I get a positive p-stick. They look kind of like they are filled with gravel honestly. I have a hard time thinking these will be my little miracles, but I'm crossing my fingers. I have no idea what is in them other than dehydrated shit that was formerly some kind of a tea made from some herbs. I do intend to find out what is in the formula, however so that I can report back. My understanding is that Patricia picks out the formula and they go to this place to be formulated. Then they take all of the components and put the granules in capsules. My first thought was that I really hope that they have a capsule stuffer because I would hate to be the poor person stuck stuffing and capping them all.
Normally you take phase 2 for about 14 days... and then once you get the positive p stick you start with phase 3. I doubt very much that I will ovulate in 14 days, I just think that it's going to take a little longer to get things back into shape. So, Patricia said if I don't ovulate in that time to call her and we'll go from there.
Just for shits and giggles, I did a p-stick -- I really need to work on my aim. It was obviously negative, but I was just curious about them and couldn't wait. I'm like that.
That's pretty much it for today.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Yoga Party

So, last Wednesday, I went to my very first ever Yoga class. There’s a little spa/studio/wellness-y place near me that offers a FREE that’s right FREE Beginner’s Beginner Yoga class. Let me just say, that I LOVED IT. I felt so incredibly fantastic afterwards. I cannot even describe it. My friend Sandy – who happens to be married to my ex-husband went with me the first week. Unfortunately, she wasn’t able to go last night because her husband hurt his knee and since he’s the babysitter it just wasn’t going to work. Hopefully he’ll be all fixed up soon and she’ll be able to go with me again. I definitely enjoyed it more when I could make faces to someone else which expressed the amount of effort and exhaustion I was experiencing. I’m not sure why, but it was more fulfilling somehow.

There was this girl last night – doing this one pose – (which I was STRUGGLING with, but still accomplishing to a much lesser level) I don’t remember what in the hell it was called – something –or- other- asina. I call it doing a standing split and bending over like a drop leaf table and trying to touch the floor which may as well be on the other side of the moon because you’re never going to reach it in a million years pose. Anyway, not only could she touch the floor much to my amazement (I was using blocks which brought the moon one foot closer) the instructor told her to see him at the end of class because he thought she was ready to go to the next level with that pose. I think I mentioned earlier that I eavesdrop… I actually kind of have trouble NOT eavesdropping sometimes… So, naturally I lingered around a little longer than necessary with one other person to see where exactly this next level was. It is a planet on the other side of the moon! This girl was able to put the TOP OF HER HEAD not her forehead… but like the part that wears a hat… the CROWN of her head FLAT on the floor while doing a standing split. I could not believe my eyes. Even the instructor seemed a bit in awe of her… after all she can reach Jupiter.

On a side note, I’m hoping to get the first batch of herbs today or tomorrow. I’m kind of excited to get started.

I’ve been keeping track of my expenses related to the baby making project. Here’s what I’ve spent so far: $589.32

Used Recumbent Bike from Craigslist $200.00
Acupuncture consultation $150.00
Phase 2 and Phase 3 custom herbs $150.00
Basal Thermometer and 54 OPK’s $ 89.32

February 6, 2009 - Hocus Pocus

I'm posting this late because I've been agonizing over what to call the blog. Finally today, I just decided to pick something because clearly I was NOT going to come up with the clever and witty name I was hoping for.

Here is Friday's post:

I met with the acupuncturist for the first time today. She came on very high recommendation from my massage therapist. Apparently she is THE fertility acupuncturist to go to in this area. (I live in Southern New England.) What I did not know, was that she actually knew H as a child and was best friends with H’s parents’ neighbor. So, I instantly felt a little more at ease and less like I was about to be taken for a ride. I mean let’s face it, Chinese medicine has been around forever. But… it’s kind of a newly accepted thing around here. I think most people are a bit weary and think that you’re seeing some kind of witch doctor. H did point out that nearly every time you see a picture of the oldest person in the world – they are usually Asian and that perhaps there is something to these magic herbs and needles. As much as I want this to work, there is a little piece of me that is absolutely convinced that I might as well take my money and flush it down the toilet or at least buy an IPOD so that I can stop carrying around my 20 pound book of CD’s. (And stop showing my age!)

The appointment lasted for a little over 3 hours… so I at least got my ($150.00) money’s worth in time spent! She took her time and answered all of my questions. We also talked in depth about the history of my cycle and my other health issues. It also included my first ever acupuncture treatment. Which was… in a word – weird. It doesn’t hurt. It’s just… weird. Most of the needles I didn’t even feel go in. There were a couple where I felt like a tap kind of… but it felt nothing like getting a shot, or getting your finger pricked, or getting blood drawn. Not at all. So if you’re needle shy… try not to be of this because it’s nothing like anything you’ve ever had done.

She put some in both of my legs – like around the shins and calf I think. (I couldn’t really tell what she was doing.) Then, she put a couple in my wrists and hands and a few in my belly a little below my belly button. Then I was left to marinate. Mostly, I was supposed to meditate, but I couldn’t concentrate. All I wanted to do was get up and dance around. She did put on soothing music, but I was so keyed up from the excitement/nervousness of the visit, that there was no way I was going to have any kind of zen experience.

30 minutes (DAYS) later she came back and pulled them out. There was no bleeding or anything and I didn’t really feel any different. Well, I did feel a little light headed from laying there. I guess I got up too fast.

They have a generic sort of treatment that they do in phases which is cheaper and which they keep in house. I eavesdropped a little on the girl that was leaving when I came in – and this is the treatment she was given. She walked out of there for $155.00 and I think it included acupuncture which is typically $100.00. I was pretty psyched figuring it’d probably cost me about $200.00. ($150.00 for the visit and $50.00 for the magic herbs.)

Obviously, what I didn’t know was anything about her medical history. Mine is long and complicated. Hers must not have been. This means that it was not likely or probable that the generic herbal treatment would work for me because I have too many issues. Instead, I would be prescribed a custom 4 phase system of herbs. Each to correspond to one phase of my cycle -- the bleeding phase, luteal phase, ovulatory phase, and whatever the pre bleeding phase is according to Chinese medicine – something to encourage implantation or something. Cost for a 3 month supply $280.00. Of course. And they don’t take credit cards. L Patricia was very kind and offered to let me pay in installments.

Before I left the house this morning, I figured that I had $300.00 usable for today – balance owed $130.00. So, I wrote a check for $300.00 and went on my way. I was told to let Patricia know when my period started. It just happened that I was on my last birth control pill, so I knew it would be soon. Perfect timing really. We decided together that I would not start a new pack of birth control pills and that I would also discontinue the Metformin. I have IBS and the Metformin only aggravates it.

Patricia spent the weekend going over my inches thick medical chart and compiling my proper combination of herbs. I spoke with her today and the magic herbs should be in on Friday. I was told that I would need to buy some OPK’s (Ovulation Predictor Kits – sticks you pee on and they tell you whether or not you’re about to ovulate) and she gave me a website where you can buy them for super cheap.

On the first day of my period, I was instructed to start charting my basal temperature upon waking and before getting out of bed every morning. I’m still unclear as to where I am supposed to be sticking the thermometer. My friend Monica swears it should be in the mouth (and she had a very good laugh at my expense), but I have read that it is more accurate if taken from the hoo hoo. Does anyone really know? I feel dumb and a little embarrassed and I REALLY don’t want to ask Patricia. I am hoping that the thermometer will come with instructions. I of course looked online, but everyone has an opinion and no one seems to agree. Most people though, don’t even say where to take it from! Does that mean I am to assume I should continue taking it orally?

Oh and my ** favorite ** part… I need to monitor my cervical mucus daily. The description of each of the conditions was enough to make me throw up in my mouth. I shall of course share them with you:

1. Eggwhite
Slippery, Will Usually Stretch
Lube, Wet or Humid Feeling

2. Creamy
Lotiony, Milky, Smooth
Usually White or Yellow
Wet, Moist or Cold Feeling

3. Sticky
Pasty, Crumbly, Opaque
Dry or Sticky Feeling

Okay, I need to repeat to what my friend Gina said upon reading the last description:

“Excuse me crumbly?? I used to think that the worst thing that could come out of there was a BABY – that is DEFINITELY second now.”

It’s all very horrifying... and do not fret I will not be giving daily secretion updates – no matter how many times you ask. I was thinking though, that it’s a shame that I’m not still in high school… this would be an excellent Science Fair Project.

I’m single, 31 years old, and I want a baby.

I have no delusions that this will be easy, and even though this is not the perfect time or perfect circumstance, the time is coming! I’m not getting any younger and I have known fertility issues. I was diagnosed 8 years ago with Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). Currently, I don’t get a period unless I’m on birth control pills. I have no interest in (or money for) IVF or drugs like Clomid.

I try to eat organically and to avoid preservatives, trans fats, artificial sweeteners, and anything else that didn’t happen naturally. It just doesn’t make sense to me to put man made chemicals into my body to make it do something it obviously feels it should not be doing. Western medicine doesn’t have a lot to offer in the way of treatment other than birth control pills and Metformin. Metformin is a drug used to treat diabetes but which also helps to deal with insulin resistance that is common in people with PCOS. Other than that, if you’re not trying to conceive, they don’t do much for you.

So, I am kind of skeptically pursuing alternative treatment in acupuncture and Chinese herbal supplements. I say skeptically, because my eyes kind of start to cross when I hear the words Qi and Yang and Yin. I don’t really know what they mean… and I don’t know if it’s important that I know. All I know is that I have used herbal supplements for my cats and dogs and they got better. I figure they don’t know what’s going on so, they can’t possibly have gotten better from any sort of placebo effect.

More about me:

I had a regular period from age 11 until age 18 when I went on birth control pills. I remained on birth control pills for almost 5 years. I came off of the pills and got my period, but it wouldn’t stop. I was evaluated after changing doctors because my old physician poo poo’d my concern about the change in my cycle. I was found to have a grapefruit sized dermoid cyst. The cyst was removed along with half of my left ovary and I got a couple of periods after that. Then I was back to the same ol’ thing. No period.
Against my better judgment and at the insistence of my doctor (and scare tactics that I was going to get uterine cancer), I went back on the birth control pills. I hate being on the pill. They make me crazy… all of them. H threatened to move, so I finally found one that didn’t make me insane and intolerable… and then it gave me UTI infections.

I am CONVINCED that the birth control pills messed me up. Doctors deny that it is a possibility, but I have heard many people retell the same story. I will say that I did gain a significant amount of weight while on the pill which probably has contributed to my problem. I seriously doubt though, that it is the entire problem.

The purpose of this blog is to sort of document whether or not this works. If it does work, then hopefully someone will benefit from the information and be able to put it to use. If it doesn’t, I hope to save your money! I’m also doing it for me. If it does work out, I might be glad to see how it all came to be.

I’m giving myself a year to get my butt into shape and to give the herbs and acupuncture time to work their magic. Hopefully by the end of 1 year’s time, I will be able to try to get pregnant.

Oh, one other thing I should mention – I also don’t have any sperm. I mentioned earlier that I am single. I am also a lesbian – I do not have sperm on demand. It will need to chosen and purchased. I can’t even decide what color shoes to buy let alone pick out features, which like diamonds, are forever. I’m kind of dreading that part a little. I have decided to cross that bridge when I get there.

In addition to acupuncture and herbs, I am also making some other very drastic changes.
I am exercising every day for at LEAST 30 minutes. My goal is to be exercising for a minimum of 60 minutes every day. I’m also doing the weight watchers thing. Total weight loss to date is 11.8 pounds and I am currently in the midst of my 6th week of “fitness”. Soon, I hope to be able to remove the “” around fitness.