Monday, March 9, 2009

Are You A Checker?

I have kind of a germ problem. As in... I don't like them.

I hate using public restrooms, but I have to pee like crazy -- particularly at work when I'm drinking my water all day long.

So, I try to touch as little as possible when I go into the bathroom. All the while, I am incredibly concious that I do not touch my face with my hands until I've washed. I then dry my hands with a paper towel, which I retain and use to open the door. Even better if the door pushes to open, then I just use my foot.

At work, they are kind enough to provide a nearly entirely touchless bathroom experience (or what I consider to be bathroom nirvana). The soap, toilet, water, and papertowels are all equipped with motion detection. (Although I still have to use a papertowel to open the door.)

So, today, as I'm sitting upon the toilet on my little paper doiley-- that I'm sure does nothing but give me the false sense that I'm not sitting in dried pee drippings (damn hoverers) -- I watched, through the crack in the stall, a person who just left a toilet area - quickly put her hands under the water for like 5 seconds and then proceed to rub them in her curly hair to fix some frizz. I was horrified. She then went to the touchless (THANK GOD) blower and dried her hands and left.


The worst part is that I have seen this same person on at LEAST 3 other occasions fail to use soap after leaving the toilet. I did try to give her the benefit of the doubt -- thinking maybe I missed it -- but still disapproved of how little she washed her hands. (No where NEAR the 30 seconds that is recommended!) Now, there is NO mistaking whether or not she uses soap, because the new touchless dispensers make noise when they squirt.

I frequently sit on the toilet and observe the leaving patrons to see if they are washing their hands properly. I tell you... it is far more common that you want to know.

My other public bathroom pet peeve (besides hovering tinklers) - is those that do not flush.

Today, upon exiting the stalls in sync. H said to me...

"I can't believe that lady just walked in there and used that toilet! I mean, she had to flush the Spinning Turd of Destruction 2 times. What if it had clogged?! Do you think I would've been able to launch myself off the toilet and out of the stall because it overflowed?? You know the lady that was at the stink left that turd in there. How could she do that? I mean it was STILL SPINNING when I got to it! What kind ofperson leaves a spinning turd???"

She is so right though! I am with John Cage -- I like a fresh bowl and I think they should in fact make toilet remotes. I refuse to flush someone else's stuff. I mean, I don't even like flushing my own. Those toilets flush with such force that I fear that they are spitting tiny turdular particals into the air which one could then inhale. So, I am very careful not to step too far away from the toilet while I'm putting myself back together. This way, I can make a run for it and be out of the stall before it flushes! I have actually been known to cover my face in my shirt while still in the stall if I feel I have strayed too far and may have triggered the auto flusher.

Another thing. At the two large companies I have worked, the coffee stations are ALWAYS located near the bathroom. I'm sure this is for convenience sake, but in my opinion it is HORRIBLE PLANNING. Imagine this: Curly Red Headed Pee hair girl leaves the bathroom with her unwashed hands and her pee hair and decides to grab a cup of coffee.

1. She grabs the stack of cups (that eveyrone insists on pulling out of the protective, hygienic, plastic sleeve) and separates a cup while in the process of touching the lips of several cups when trying to pull them apart.

2. Next, with her pee (possibly poop) hands she reaches for the handle of the coffee pot (we're going to assume for the purposes of this example that she doesn't need to make a new pot because I'm not sure I have time to type out all ofthe horrors of that scenario) and pours some coffee into her cup.

3. Creamer is then added to her coffee which has been lifted and poured with her nasty hands.

4. Time to stir the coffee! She then reaches her tinkle ridden digits into the entire box of coffee stirrers... not taking care to be sure to grab JUST ONE and in the process touches about 10 or 12 stirrers.

5. Two minutes later, you walk up with your washed hands and follow the same procedure. God only knows, what you're about to ingest!

So, are you a checker? Do you watch for the non-handwashers of your company? I have been resisting the urge to leave a note on her desk telling her how gross it is that she doesn't wash her hands properly. God knows what she's infecting us all with!

Do you check to make sure you've left no bits behind in the toilet when you're done? I really hope so.

I think we should start a movement... maybe tickets should be handed out for failure to void your turds, or negligent and gross soap neglect.

Some day, maybe I'll tell you about the crazy lady that sits behind H. She has been known to hock lugies into her trash can while still sitting at her desk...


  1. I think some people actually don't use the soap and use Purel instead.

    Doesn't explain the lady putting pee in her hair but maybe she feels the ammonia has certain hair fixing properties? ;-) Just kidding!!!

    Don't worry Jenny - germs are your friends! They strenghthen your immune system and help you stay healthy! Wait till you see your little one sharing sippy cups with friends :)

    You gotta tell me who the hocker is!!! Is it someone I know??? That is so gross!!!

  2. I came up with a solution to you not wanting to sit on the toilet seat...

    Go to Lowe's or Home Depot and buy a toilet seat. Bring it with you to work and carry it with you into the bathroom every time you go. It's not the same as remote control toilet flusher but, at least no one else's butt will have been on it! Maybe you can find a nice pretty bag to put your seat in :)

    I'm sorry - I just thought this would be funny - if I am the only one laughing - feel free to ignore me :)

  3. You know... I have tried to come up with something like that. I must admit I've always been envious of those little squishy potty seats for kids that fit over the regular potty. My friend has a fold up car potty. Mayeb I should get one of those.