Wednesday, August 3, 2011

The Kid is Alright But the Donor Passed Away by Marla Ruth Allisan - Resolve New England Newsletter

I read this article last week in the Resolve of New England Quarterly Newsletter.  It brought me to tears.  I cannot imagine the frustration that this family must have felt.  Making the choice of what type of donor you will use, bank vs. known donor, vs. bank willing-to-be-known donor, is a huge one, to say the least.  To have made the choice that this family did to use a willing to be known donor, and then only to have just a moment's brush with the donor, is just so sad to me.  This is not something that I had ever thought of before, it likely doesn't happen often, but it does happen.

If you're having trouble viewing the .pdf within the blog, you can download load the article by clicking here.





While I was looking for the above article via the magic of Google, I came across another post: http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/parenting/parenting-facts-and-arguments/my-daughters-sperm-donor-died/article1705132/

There are so many reasons to choose sperm from a bank:

  1. All donors are carefully screened for std's
  2. Assurance that you don't have to wait for termination of donor's parental rights
  3. Certain genetic disorders can be ruled out since many banks routinely test for these things
  4. Ability to obtain the sample without the awkwardness of the in-person transfer
  5. You have only your feelings and the feelings of your partner (if applicable) to consider, not the donor's or the donor's partner/family
  6. You don't have to worry about the donor getting cold feet
  7. I'm sure there are a million other things I've not thought of (actually, what are your other reasons?)
 While a known donor, that is present in your life, may also die, you have the unique ability to form a relationship as the child grows.  In the case of choosing a willing-to-be-known donor, you must wait, in most cases, until the child has turned 18.  The concept of open donation through a bank is actually a wonderful concept, that I do hope will catch on at some point.  I think more people would choose a donor known to them if there was the added security of having the bank as a 3rd party that handles all of the legal stuffs.

On the heels of last evening's chat with my Maybe Baby Donor, I received today, the results of my Cystic Fibrosis Carrier Test and my Tay-Sachs enzyme test.  Both are negative, so hooray for that.  At least now, I know I won't need to worry about getting future donors tested should the need arise.  Honestly, this news did not do much to boost how I'm feeling today.  It seems absurd to be so disappointed about this, but I am.  I'm very pleased with the results, but I would've been over the moon under better circumstances.  It's a bummer that I finally get to this point where I'm just about ready to start with insems, only to have,  what I thought, was nearly a sure thing -- just fall apart.  Okay, it hasn't totally fallen apart, but that nearly-sure-thing part has.

Last night, I came home and instead of crying, which is what I really felt I wanted to do, I blasted some music and danced my ass off.  It was more dancing out of desperation to find that TRUST in the Universe that I keep talking about.  Today, I've been thinking a lot about the distinction between Joy and Happiness.  They aren't the same thing.  I certainly don't feel happy today, but I recognize the presence of Joy and I'm letting her in.  This is the wonderful thing about feelings, you can layer them on and experience them, and together, like friends, they get you through the tough times; for without Joy and Hope there would only be despair and sadness.

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