Sunday, September 23, 2012

I Wasn't Prepared

Last time, even though I was disappointed and peed on a trillion pee sticks, when I got the results I was okay.  Even though I got a shitty evap line on a blue dye test that ABSOLUTELY looked positive, I was still okay when the FRER showed that it was undoubtedly negative.

What is it about hope that defies all logic?  I mean, thank god for hope, but still!  I was light pink spotting, had a long line of negative tests, and cramps for three days.  Yet, SOMEHOW, I still held onto hope that the beta would come back positive.  That is some fucked up shit right there.  This TTC crap comes complete with lobotomy.  There is no logic.  There is no sanity.

I just wasn't prepared for how I was going to feel this time about the negative.  I feel like a wicked whiny pants about it, too.  I know SO MANY PEOPLE who have been trying for so long.  I feel like I need to shut up and suck it up for at least 6 months before I should be allowed to whine.  I have to say, though, it SUCKED getting that phone call today.  I already knew the answer and it still sucked. 

I'm freaking out about money.  I might as well have lit $1000 dollars on fire because at least then I could actually SEE my dreams go up in smoke.  That doesn't even include the cost of the sperm, since someone actually GAVE me three vials.  If I include the cost of the two vials that I've used, that's well over another $1000.00 and that doesn't even include the shipping.  I have one vial left and then I'm going to need to figure things out.  My FSA is pretty much dry. I think I have funds for half of an IUI cycle in there maybe less and then I'm going to have to come up with the rest.  After that, I'm out indefinitely -- at least until the new year rolls over and my FSA is refreshed.  I'd like also to thank whatever genius decided it was a good idea to cap the FSA accounts at $2500 for a single person in 2013.  Thanks for that... that is not going to go far!

I texted my mom today to give her the news and mentioned that I only have one vial left.  She said that "we'll figure something out."  Maybe she's planning to buy me some sperm for Christmas...

Something needs to be done with insurance companies -- it's absurd that they won't cover the medications or the procedures.  I can understand them (sort of) not covering the sperm, but really the IUI is basically a super short office visit.  And they should have to cover the sperm prep. 

All of this makes me bring up the idea of a known donor again, but for all of the wonderful things I can think of about a known donor, there is a list of another 10 things that make it scary.  Yet it is desirable.  I don't want my kid to be angry later because they want to know more about their bio family and they don't have a way to do so.  At the same time, H made a good point to me -- even if we did choose a willing to be known donor -- would we really want our kid running off to meet some strange man?  So what if they are biologically related, it doesn't preclude that this person could be dangerous.  I had never thought of that before.  I certainly would want to be present for such a meeting -- probably for several.  Which brings the known donor back to the front...  so much of that is left up to trust... but there is so much to be gained, too. 

Sorry this is all over the place -- I'm kind of a hot mess right now.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

This Is Crap!

I really don't know how people do this month after month.  I don't.  I'm only winding down on my second try and I'm feeling so over it. 

For three days, I've had cramps. At first, I thought perhaps it could be implantation cramps -- but probably not for three days.  The weird thing is that I don't usually get cramps with AF.  My boobs aren't sore like they normally are before AF.  And yet, a First Response Early Response was negative this morning.  I'm 13dpo.  Tomorrow, I have my beta which I'm sure will also be negative.  It's frustrating to go from convincing yourself that you're pregnant, to convincing yourself that you aren't.  The wait sucks.  No matter how hard you try, it really is all that you can think about. 

I'm such a total piss ball today. 

If I don't get AF  by Monday, I'm out for the next cycle since I'll be out of town during critical baseline testing.


Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Doubts and Fears - ... And Honesty from Another Parent

me: I'm having an invented crisis

M: what's your crisis?

Me: My crisis is that I'm having thoughts of maybe my life is actually good without kids.

M: um life is good without kids.
  kids make life hard and less fun.
me: I don't know what to do with these thoughts of being good without kids.  I've never really had them before, nor could I have ever imagined that I would have them! I'm probably getting pregnant right now, with triplets, as we speak.  Life will be ruined!

M: Um, life won't be ruined, just different. But then it gets good in different ways-- Like I get to experience the fun stuff about being a kid again.

me: I mean, I know you love your girls, but would you have them now knowing what you know now?

M: I do, but I totally get you on this one. I did NOT love the early years of parenting. Yes, I would because I like life with them, BUT, I also can imagine how things would be without ever having kids.  What I mean is, I can't really fathom my kids not existing because they are awesome. But I can imagine the person I would be without them.

me: We're really enjoying doing agility and rally classes with the dog, and hiking, and geocaching...

M: Yup. Sometimes I get frustrated when I see G's posts of the fun stuff she does and I get a little bummed about not being able to travel, etc.  But I also get to do fun stuff and meet interesting people because of the kids.  Most of my good friends here are parents I met through the girls.

me: G lives a crazy amazingly fun looking life.

M: And life is funny with kids. They force you to find perspective and keep you grounded.

me: It was also hard on your relationship, wasn't it?
M: AND, when I do get to do other fun adult things I appreciate them more. :-)  Of course. but who's to say that we wouldn't have gone through tough times anyway?

me: Well, I wonder if H will feel resentment.  Though, she's been really great...

M: Now we are better off for it because we worked it out.

 me: True.  I'm freaking out.  I don't know what's wrong with me! It's like I don't even know who I am.  LOL

M: It's normal.

me: Also, I see some of my friends who had older kids accidentally get pregnant and they disappear.  I don't want to disappear.  And there's this woman we've become friendly with --  she's this amazingly interesting woman.  She's an artist, and a dog trainer, and she competes with her dogs.  She is a photographer and she owns her own landscape architecture business.  She's so interesting and seems fun.  She reads like mad.  And i think, "Wow, how does she find the time?"
Then I think, "Oh yeah, she and her husband don't have kids."

M: Yeah, that's probably true.

me: Then i wonder, "Why doesn't she have kids?"

M: But you make the life you want with your kids.

me: I mean, we have tons more free time now that the dog died last week.  Before, I used to wonder how I would fit a kid into my life.

M: I know plenty of people who just pack up the kids and do whatever they want.

me: And now, I think when am I going to see my kid? I feel like I don't see the dog as much as I would like to and we take him everywhere.  I'm going to try to relax.

 M: Well, your kid will demand quite a bit more attention than your dog.

me: I know.  Well, the sick dog was actually worse than kid -- created like 3 loads of laundry a day

M: It's done! Just relax. You will figure it out.

me: This is what happens when I decide to just leap and figure out the details later. lol!

M: I did not do any planning like this before getting pregnant with N.  It was, "lets have a baby."  "ok." Done.

me: lol

M: I didn't know anyone with kids, so there was no comparison.

me: At least babies aren't expensive early on.  I worry about money.  And multiples.

M: they are expensive if you let them be.

me: I have two boobs and cloth diapers. And lots of hand-me-downs.

M: But with your network of friends, I'm sure you'd get everything you need handed-down
  right. :-)
me: I pretty much have everything I need arleady.  I've been buying stuff over the years, used,
  and getting lots of free stuff.

M: You don't need anything except a car seat, clothes, and a carrier of some sort.

me: I could have one right now. I'd just need clothes.  I was gifted things like highchair, exersaucer, swing, etc. My friend is giving me a co-sleeper -- because of my apnea, i fall into the category of "should not co-sleep".  I have a breast pump.  I have a crib -- which I probably won't need, but who knows.  I have a lot of crap to store or sell.

M: It will be fine.

me: I hope so. I mean, it has to be, so i'm sure it will be.  Hopefully it won't be miserable.  I just got the bill for the last IUI.  I think that's part of the freak out.

M: Yeah, probably. Plus, it's normal to freak out about major life changes.

me: Yeah. One should really reserve the freak out for when one actually has a positive test.

M: True.

me: Can I use some of your words incognito on my blog if i feel so inclined?

M: Sure.

me:  i lvoe you and miss you.

M: i lvoe you too

me: lol.  Perhaps I should add "insane" to my short list of symptoms, which only involve exhaustion and frequently peeing.  I took a nap from 8pm to 845 last night. Then I ate dinner and went to bed at 930.  The two previous nights, i was in bed by 10. That's unheard of for me.

________________________________________ 39 minutes

me: and H's parents keep asking us why we want to ruin our lives. Well, that's what her dad says. Her mom says "are you sure you want to do that?"

M: they don't want to be grandparents?
me: It's weird, it's like it never even crossed their minds that they could be.  My mom is excited.  S is over the moon excited.

M: They assumed  having gay kids meant no grandkids? How 1990s.
me: HA!  LOL!  I'm guessing so.  And H never wanted kids, so I think they just never considered it would be possible.  They've never really said what the deal is.  Maybe it's that they really just have trouble with us having a kid and being gay?  But can't put their finger on it?  And verablize?

 M: maybe

 me: I really have no idea. It's weird to me.  But they totally love me... and seem to accept us just fine.  And almost seem sad that we're not getting married, they but call me their daughter in law
  maybe it's just complicated for them...

 or maybe they really didn't like parenting...

 H was a really difficult kid --  un dx sensory processing disorder, I think.  She still has wicked sensory issues.  She didn't like changes in routine.  Screamed about wearing clothes.  Didn't like going on vacations because it deviated from routine.  They just thought she was a brat and   brought her to shrinks.  They really tried, but they never really got any useful help with how to deal with her.

M: yeah. Plus kids are annoying. :-)  Back before we knew about stuff like that.  N was kind of an annoying sensory kid - getting SOO much better as she gets older though. Still won't wear pants that zip or snap. or underwear with seams.

me: Oh, really?? I didn't know that.  H is STILL like that.

M: Yeah, totally. Remember how hard it was to get her to stop crying as an infant? Constant rocking/bouncing/loud white noise?

me: Yes, that i recall! Maybe she just hated feety pajamas!

M: Probably!

me: lol!  I'm afraid i'm going ot have a kid like that.  

M: It's easy to manage if you know! When we took N to the shrink last year, they said she probably had an immature nervous system.  Caused her to have some tics (wiping her nose, clearing her throat, etc.) stuff we thought was OCDish, but more likely overly sensitive nervous system - kind of related to anxiety.

me: How could you tell that those things weren't just allergies, but were actually tics?

 M: So she won't really wear anything without an elastic waist, anything that's not jersey knit. Hates mid-lenngth sleeves or leggings, and most shoes.

M: well, the doc thought they were things that started out as allergies, but then even when the symptoms went away she was left with tics because she still felt them.

So, more CNS issue, than tic issue.

 me: fascinating

M: A lot of that is developmentally normal for little kids.  3-4 year olds often have tics and sensory issues that they outgrow. It's only a problem when they don't outgrow it or they interfere with life. I think it's more common because they are exposed to so many more stimuli and our expectations for what little kids should be able to handle is generally too high.

me: I suppose that's true.

M: N's big problem is really this: immature nervous system + really smart = kid who understands way more than she can process physically/emotionally.  Oh, and the biological predisposition for anxiety.

me: right

M: You will be so much more prepared to have a kid with issues. :-)

me: or hopefully one without them.  I'm contributing some pretty shitty dna.  So, probably not likely.

M: You never know. so many possible combinations!

me: i've been reading this one blog for about 4 years.  Two moms.  Was ttc blog, but turned parenting blog.  Turned their kid just got dx'd with a super rare, literally ,1 in a million, form of leukemia.  I cannot even imagine the nightmare.  I was wrecked for a year after Jack (my dog) died.  Imagine a kid?  Ugh.

M: Well my friend, get ready - the worry and panic you will feel whenever your kid isn't perfectly healthy? Yeah, it's rough.  I will say that the one biggest change that I was not prepared for was the worry. Oh, and the guilt.  So, that's what I tell my preggo friends. Worry and guilt. Start practicing yoga.

me: LOL! Sounds like good advice.

M: People say the sleep deprivation, but I say the guilt.

me: I worry less about the sleep thing -- as long as H is able to help, she never sleeps.  But, we haven't quite solidified her role yet.  Me on the other hand... I need sleep. 8 strong hours.  I'm in deep doo doo.

 M: Nah, it works out

 me: damn squatter.
       Uterine squatter.  
      Alleged uterine squatter.

M: Ha. That's a good one. or parasite
me: Remora

Monday, September 17, 2012


I have so many half finished blog entries waiting for you.  I keep falling asleep.  I have been beyond tired.

Last night, I went to bed at 10:30 and had difficulty waking at 7:00.  There is just no excuse for that. I didn't even have a particularly grueling weekend.

I made concord grape jam on Saturday - we got about 24 pints out of 48 cups of grapes which was pretty awesome.
Then, yesterday, we finally closed the pool.  We'd been avoiding it since it signals the ceremonial end of summer for me.  However, the electric bill we received on Friday lit a fire under our butts.  We haven't been in it in the last 3 weeks, so it was really time.  It wasn't difficult like I feared, but it was time consuming.  After that, we made dinner and I nearly fell asleep in my plate.  This fatigue is intense.

I started testing to see if the trigger shot is out of my system and it is.  So, now I wait.  Today marks 8dpo.  I have decided to pee only once per day, first morning urine only.  My beta is scheduled for Monday, but it should really be Sunday, so I need to call and fix that.  If I am lucky enough to get a positive beta, I can't screw up the timing for the 2nd beta because I simply won't be able to go that day or any day, until the following week.

Speaking of peeing, I'm peeing like crazy again this time around.  The difference, though, is that I don't have that extreme pressure feeling that I had during the last cycle.  Hopefully, this means that I do not have a cyst again.  No sore breasts this time either.  Just pure and utter exhaustion and frequently peeing are my only complaints.

I hope to wake up and catch up on those other entries.  I just wanted to let y'all know I'm still alive, if not awake.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Just Keep Swimming

Finding the Bloggy World A Little lonely

It took me so long to go from the blogging about getting ready to ttc phase, to the *actually* ttc phase, that all of the bloggy friends I had sort of disappeared.  Most of them are blogging less, since HAPPILY, they have babies and are just too busy.  I get lonely though.  Several of my favorite blogs have become completely inactive, though thankfully they remain available for reference on the internet.  And at least they said goodbye and left avenues for contact, but I miss their contributions.  It's sort of like growing up in a neighborhood for your whole life and having your best friend move away to Florida when you turn 12.

I've been struggling to find new blogs that I really enjoy.  I'm reading lots of new things, but none that I'm really connecting with.  You know how some summers the music on the radio is just so AMAZING and you have to run out and get the cds --ahem-- mp3's right away?  Then, other summers, the music is terrible and you find yourself wondering if there will ever be any good music on the radio again?  It's like that.

So, if you know of any great little blogs that I'm missing out on, please leave them in the comments!

On Going Rogue:

The IUI, went swimmingly.  (hee hee)

I had the same nurse that I had yesterday.  When I came in, she said, "I thought you were going to wait until they called?? You clown, you went all rogue!" Then she turned to H, "Is she always that stubborn and doing things her own way?"

H, "Pretty much."


Anyway, I think the timing was great -- if I do say so, myself.

There was so much EWCM, that it had to be swabbed away before she could start the procedure.  Cervix was nice and open but HOLY MOTHER OF PEARL, was it uncomfortable this time.  I think I just get really sensitive from the meds.  They have to get really good visualization of the cervix in order to do the procedure, so they are IN THERE.  I just find that part so uncomfortable. This time though, the cramping was pretty intense, I actually kind of jumped a little on the table when she inserted the catheter. She must've bumped up against my uterus because it went in easily and I felt the contact up high.  I suppose that is good placement wise, but YOWCH.  Last time, it wasn't nearly as sharp feeling.

So, here we go skydiving off of the two week wait building, once again!

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Second Time Around -- 100th post!

CD12 blood work and ultrasound revealed two "beautiful follicles"  one at 16mm and one at 20mm.

Last cycle, I tried to get them to time the IUI a little later, but my doc really likes to do 12 hours if you're only doing 1 IUI.  So, I was chatting with the nurse today about this and how everything I've read says that best practices are typically based on using fresh specimens.  We chatted about how 36 hours seems like a more common window for frozen and that many think that frozen just doesn't live beyond 12 to 18 hours.  So, I asked if there was any specific reason why the trigger shot had to be taken at night.  I was like, "couldn't I just take the trigger shot earlier in the day so that it'd be closer to 24 hours when I come in?"  She said there was no reason why the trigger had to be taken at night, but basically it was just timed on when they are available to do the IUI's and which protocol is being followed.  For some reason, they don't do 24 hours?  I don't really understand why not. I think mostly it is because by the time they call you with your plan for the cycle, it'd be too late and you'd be past ovulation by the time they were back in the office.

So, I took in all of this information, consulted with my message board friends, and then I went rogue.  I didn't wait for the call for my plan.  I sent H to the fridge to get the shot and she stabbed me.  25 minutes later, the doctors office calls....

They say, "we want you to trigger tomorrow night and come in 36 hours later on Tuesday."   Commence internal freak out!  FUCK!!!   At this point, the blood in my arms went cold and I couldn't feel them anymore.  I calmly ask why the protocol is changing because previously when I've questioned the timing, I was told that this was the best option. The nurse puts me on hold and checks my plan from my doctor which clearly is different from the on-call doc doing the plans for the day.

When she comes back on the phone, she says, you're right. Your plan does indicate 12 hours post trigger.  So, let's have you trigger tomorrow nigth and come in for the IUI on Monday morning.  We can have the doctor on-call change your plan if you feel more comfortable with that.

I'm trying to think fast and do the math, that STILL won't work because that will be like 48 hours post trigger.  What am I going to do!?

So, I do the only thing possible... I have to own it.  I have to fess up.

"Well, I'm kind of freaking out right now to be honest.  I have to admit that I already took the trigger because I wasn't comfortable with the timing.  And when I tried to discuss it last month, no one really took it seriously.  So, I wanted to be closer to the 24 or 36 hours, so since my follicles were similar in size as last cycle, I decided to just trigger now."

"Oh, honey, we really need you to wait for the doctor's order next time around. I understand why you did it, but it's really important that you wait for the okay.  Hold on a minute and I'll talk to the doctor about getting you in for your best possible chances."

An eternity goes by (less than a minute) and she comes back on the line to let me know that she's going to call me back in a few minutes.

Sure enough, the phone rings, "Okay, this is the nurse A again from your RE's office.  Now, I just have to reiterate again the importance of waiting for the okay in the future.  Having said that, we'd like to get you in here tomorrow morning at 10:30 am for your IUI.  So, we'll see you tomorrow.  Good luck, honey."

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Sometimes It's Hard to Know When You'll Get to the Bridge to Cross It...

Lately, we've been struggling with whether or not we should put our older dog down.

He doesn't seem unhappy or in pain, but he can't walk.  It's been a slow decline.  Until about 3 or 4 weeks ago, he could walk, but needed help getting up.  He's never been an active dog, so he doesn't miss frolicking or fetching toys.  His favorite activities are eating and napping and these tasks remain wholly unaffected.  He eats with gusto!!

3 years ago, he was diagnosed with liver failure and we thought we'd lose him within a year.  Thousands of dollars in herbs later, he's still here and it appears that his body is failing in other ways, but not in any way that is catastrophic.

In the past, we've had animals that were clearly in distress and needed help crossing the rainbow bridge.  There was no question on what needed to be done.  However, Jimmy is sort of in this land of in between.  If our younger dog couldn't walk, this would definitely be a big deal and would affect his quality of life since he is incredibly active.

Then again, it's getting to the point that we are having difficulty keeping up with Jimmy's incontinence issues when we're not home.  Until recently, the poise pads were doing the trick, but Finn has decided they are a delicacy, so we've had to change strategies.  Now, Jimmy lays on a fleece placed atop of an absorbent pad.  We change him every 2 to 3 hours when we're home and are able to keep him dry, but during work hours it's difficult.  So far, he doesn't have a rash.

This has been such a slow decline that it's just become our new normal, but he takes up HOURS of care each day.  I'll continue to do it because it's not about me, but have I lost perspective on what is good for him?  Twice now, we've been convinced it was time only to have him rally and bounce back.

I don't want him to suffer, but part of me wishes something would **happen** so it would be clear as to what he needed.  Every night, I go to bed hoping when I wake up in the morning, I'll find that he's passed.

Our parents have asked when we're going to do it.  The thought of scheduling that ahead of time, is a lot like putting myself on death row.  I don't know how to deal with that.

There's a line from the Indigo Girls song "Oziline" where Amy sings, "I had to put the dog down, before I hit the road. Yeah, I watched that sweet ol' life, become a bag of bones" and that's kind of where he's at right now.  He's been wasting for awhile now.  He's just bones, no matter how much we feed him.  On top of all of this, we're actually supposed to see the Indigo Girls perform with a symphony this month.  It'll take us away from home for a couple of days.  We have someone to watch Finn, but James is just too much to put on someone else.  So, we may end up selling our tickets if we don't get up the gumption to do what probably should be done.  H's parents have offered to go with us or to take him.  I'm not sure how we'll hear Oziline in concert after that...

I think part of what his keeping us from doing it is that we've had a lot of loss in the last year.  We had our dog Jack drop dead in front of us -- he had no diagnosed illness and had no decline in health.  It was totally unexpected. He was running around excitedly and happy with a toy and literally fell over and died within 3 minutes.

After that, we had a cat with an intestinal tumor.  We lost her on the night before Hurricane Irene last summer.  She had diarrhea that could no longer be controlled with medication and began vomiting.  It was clear she was very miserable at that point.  It was a small blessing because we lost power for 6 days after Irene and I think we would have had to burn the house down.  Her illness was messy at the end.  She fought with H in the room, it's like she couldn't leave her person.  H had to step out because it was really difficult.  Once she did, Abby settled down and nestled into my arms and passed quietly.  It's like she just couldn't do that with H there.

Then, over the winter, we had to put our cat Denny down.  She started breathing funny and we took her to the vet and they thought that she likely had a tumor.  For some reason, I can't remember the details, but within one week she began having an exceptional difficulty breathing.  We had been counting her respirations and there was a swift decline.  She was very alert though -- her mind was still sharp as ever, but her body wasn't keeping up.  In order to make things a little easier, the vet gave her something to make her a little loopy to relax her. Something about the medication made her panic and she vomited and aspirated her vomit. She was choking!  The vet rushed into the room, to hurry and administer the shot, but her blood pressure was so low, they couldn't find a vessel.  When this happens, they need to inject it directly into their heart and this was also very difficult.  It was horrific to watch, the vet was also a mess afterwards.  She said she had NEVER seen this happen before and didn't really understand what happened.

James has always been a difficult patient.  In fact, he would have to be poled with the rabid dog pole and even then you couldn't examine him.  He had to be muzzled.  We're terrified that they will insist he be muzzled because of his history.  He's such a different dog now -- almost sweet even.  He was never a cuddly or particularly nice dog.  He liked us since we provided food for him.  He would tolerate being petted a few times, but mostly he was a loner.  He came to us from an abused home and it took a couple of years to really gain his trust.  Now, he finally trusts us implicitly and almost seems to enjoy being loved on.  Now we have to let him go?  UGH.  It sucks and I just don't know what to do.  Part of me just wants to kiss him good bye and have H's parents bring him because I think in my heart I know it's the right thing. I just cannot bring myself to do this again so soon.  I cannot see him be muzzled during his last moments.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Getting Into Trouble

How does your spouse/significant other feel about your blogging?  Are certain topics just off limits, no matter what?

What if your blog is anonymous?  Are the things you share still limited?  Or are you allowed to share freely since no one knows who you are?

My blog, I think, has only a handful of readers that I actually know in real life.  I can name all of them on two hands.  These people are people that I would share with openly and freely about anything that I put on my blog and then some.  However, I don't share my blog with most people that I know.  I use this as a space to vent, to talk about things that I may need feedback about, but that I don't necessarily want to share with everyone I know.  I don't link to my posts on Facebook and I don't talk openly about the fact that I blog.

In my mind, my blog is fairly anonymous.  My name is shared with probably about a million people out there since you can't really get any more generic than the name Jenny.  I don't list my exact location.  I generally just try to fly under the radar.  For a number of reasons, I choose to remain mostly anonymous-ish.  Partly because I don't want my employer and friends and family to know that I'm trying to conceive until I've achieved it.  I also don't want to have to feel that I need to censor myself too much.
Do you and your spouse/significant other have differing ideas of what is, and should be kept, private?  Have you gotten yourself into trouble for over sharing?

Some of the conversations that I've had recently, were conversations that I understood were private.  Under normal circumstances the content of these conversations would be kept between me and the other party.  However, due to the anonymous nature of my blog, I spoke about something that the other party found to be too private to share.  In my mind, since this was anonymous it wasn't as if I broke confidence.  I also didn't get into the meat of the conversation, but merely made reference to something that was said.  I was trying to process the conversation for my own purposes and honestly didn't really think twice about sharing what I did. 

Of course, I felt terrible that they felt uncomfortable about what I wrote, but at the same time I had a difficult time understanding what the harm was since I didn't identify the person.  Though, anyone who knows me IRL would know who it was, but again, the only people that have this blog IRL are people I would process with anyway.  Though, I would likely not get into deep detail -- nor did I get into detail on the blog either.  So, I did write with that in mind.

I totally get where this person is coming from now and I suppose a confidence, is a confidence, no matter the medium and no matter whether or not identity is revealed. I was viewing this through my own lens.  I did stop to think about the things I was saying before I posted, but I determined no harm, when no one knows who you are.  I should have thought from both perspectives before publishing that post.

Have you ever gotten into tricky territory with your posts and have you had some "'splainin' to do?"

Monday, September 3, 2012

Clomid Makes Me Clingy - NaBloPoMo

I think that the fact that Clomid makes me clingy is an anomaly.  Doesn't it make most people totally insane?  It also makes me sleepy. I get hot flashes too, but I'm most mystified by the unusual emotional response. It makes me want to snuggle and take naps.

This weekend has been quite busy, so I haven't had a chance to give you an update. I'm sure by now you've surmised that all of my testing went great on Thursday.  The cyst DID resolve and both ovaries were back to their normal dimensions.  My endometrial stripe was the smallest it's ever been at 3.3 -- but I have had previous history of it being "too thick".  The thicker lining was because I was not having "good bleeds" and consistent cycles.  So, now that I'm back to normal cycle wise, so too, is my lining or "stripe".  I have read some reports that clomid can cause the stripe to become too thin and can prevent implantation.  So, hopefully this will stay within normal ranges and not become problematic.

Yesterday, the weather was absolutely GORGEOUS.  After a lovely breakfast out, we decided to do some geocaching. I love geochacing -- it's such a wonderful way to explore like a tourist.  It brings you places you would have NEVER noticed otherwise.  Caches are everywhere, too.  So, no matter where you are -- you can always find a cache nearby. You don't even need a fancy GPS -- most smartphones have an app for that!  We're planning to do some caching while on vacation at the end of this month.

Here's a photo of just one of the spectacular views we saw yesterday.

Oh, and..... I am attempting to participate in NaBloPoMo for September -- eek!  It's open for participation until September 5th, so if you want to do it too, hurry and sign up!

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Back On Track?

We may soon be back on track.

CD2 here, already!  I started spotting on CD17 and the SPLOOSH! (Really, I'm making up for the lame flow last cycle.)

It's funny how AF can mean different things at different times.  Sometimes, I want to kill the b!tch. Other times, like now, I want to invite her in for a week's stay and then wish her well for at least another 12 months.  However, there were years where I was praying for her arrival, but PCOS was reeking havoc with her.

The problem with her is that she shows up whenever the heck she wants.  Frankly, I was happy for awhile when she made her monthly pilgrimage and found me to be a hospitable host. However, now that we're well acquainted again, I'd like her to yield to the embryo/blastocyst and just help them rest comfortably, but to keep her nose out of things.

Tomorrow, I go for CD3 blood work and a baseline ultrasound.  I suspect our little cyst is gone (hence the bleeding) and if that is true, then I will begin the 5 day clomid cycle tomorrow.  Hopefully, things will match up follicle wise when the time comes and I'll be able to have my IUI on Sunday 9/9/12. Would be great to not have to miss work!  I think they are getting a little tired of my cryptic appointments.

I'm nearly out of vacation and sick time for the year.  Thank goodness I have the capability to work from home, but it is frowned upon.  So, it's tough to balance all of that.  How do you handle multiple doctors appointments when TTC?  Especially if you don't feel comfortable revealing what they are for?

I am also wicked excited about a new part time job that I got.  I have been recently hired as a Pediatric Research Assistant a big hospital around here.  I'm so excited about the project that I could just burst!  My doula work enabled me to acquire some new skills and hopefully this will put me on a new career path.  I still have my full time job, but I'll be working per diem nights and weeknds. Woo hoo!

Thursday, August 23, 2012


I had somewhat of an unexpected intermission from blogging; that cyst decided to wreak a little havoc.

On Saturday, the pressure that I had been having began increasing again. Then it got to the point where I couldn't totally stand up straight.

By Sunday morning, I had a full night's sleep and was feeling much better.  However, by late night Sunday, I was having trouble sleeping and could only find comfort in the open knee chest position.  Thank goodness for my doula knowledge, I don't think I'd have slept at all.  This allowed for less pressure in my abdomen and pelvic area and relieved the pain somewhat to where it was manageable.  It hurt to do anything, and I mean ANYTHING.  I couldn't pee, poop, sneeze, cough, laugh, walk, stand, sit, without discomfort.  Twisting to wipe was a special form of torture.

On Monday, I called out of work and called the doctor. It seemed to me like if it WAS the cyst, that it would have finished doing whatever it was doing by now.  And now my stomach hurt to the touch on the outside.  So, I went in and met with a doctor on call.  He was very nice -- and normally I have a policy of no male docs, but I wasn't about to complain today.  I was pretty sure I was dying.  He was a very sweet, UNBELIEVABLY OLD man.  His movements were incredibly slow, but his mind was spot on.  I must say, if you can have a good pelvic exam, he probably gave me the best one I have ever had.  I mean, you know when you've had a bad one, without a doubt, but considering the level of pain I was already in, I was surprised with how little it bothered me at all.  So, props the 80something doctor.  I wonder how many tens of thousands of exams he's given.  I have a friend who used to work with medical students instructing them how to give a proper vaginal exam ON HER, I have a whole appreciation for the women that do that.  Thank goodness for you!

Anyway, the 3cm cyst that I had on my left ovary is likely to blame for all of this.  True to his word 2or 3 days later, I'm feeling much improved.  The fluid that leaks from the cyst/ovary leaks into the abdomen and causes irritation.  Once it fully aspirates and stops leaking, the discomfort stops.  So, here's hoping it fully resolved and didn't reseal itself, so that I can be on track for next cycle.  Currently, I am showing high fertility today on my ovacue monitor -- hoping to see confirmation of ovulation in the next couple of days and then can look forward to AF once again.  The timing on this is tricky because we are going out of town at the end of September, so hoping everything works out time wise -- it'd be really convenient if I got my period on 9/7 then I can spend part of my tww while on vacation.  Someone recently theorized that if you vacation while on a tww, it will seem like the longest vacation you have ever had.  Sounds good to me!

Friday, August 17, 2012

What if?

So, what if I use up all of my frozen sperm and I don't get pregnant?

Exactly, what if?

I have no idea.

I could, with some difficulty, purchase some new frozen sperm next year using my FSA.  It's pretty pricey and would use up a good portion of my funds for 2013, but I could. Sadly, the donor I am currently using, whom I have a crush on, is no longer available.  Well, that's a lie -- he's only available to people who already have children with this donor.  Dammit.  I can't ask the couple that gave me their left over sperm to order it because then I won't be able to use my FSA.  AND, then it would not be possible to buy the sperm without my FSA.

So, what's a gal to do?

As you know, I have long hoped to use a known donor.  Recently, a friend put me in contact with a couple who may be interested in donating.  So far, they are EVERYTHING I could have ever hoped for and then some.  They own a popular, well known farm in the area. They are seemingly healthy and active, love animals, believe in preserving the earth, eating locally and organically.  The only thing is, they don't have children of their own. I'm not sure, yet, why not.  I'm also not sure why they are motivated to donate.  They seem very thoughtful though, so I don't think this is something they are just jumping into.  One thing I'm not sure about, is what difference it would make legally if we do not reside in the same state -- this will require further investigation.  Currently, in my state, donor agreements are taken under consideration, but they are no way legally binding.  It all comes down to a judge's discretion if a custody disagreement were to ensue.  I presume, since I , and therefor the child would reside in Rhode Island, we would be held to RI state law, but I'm not sure.

As I've discussed before, there are tons of reasons why a donor from a bank makes things simple.  But, I do struggle with removing the option for the child to ever get to know it's biological family.  On the other hand, some situations may make you wish your unknown donor was still unknown to you. (This is a topic for a whole other blog entry...)  However, knowing your donor in real life could avoid a lot of strife and the fact that your child could have hundreds of half siblings out in the world.  It's a risk too, though.  Would I be confident enough as a parent for my child to get to know the other half of his or her biology?  Would I feel jealous? Insecure?  Are these good reasons to use an unknown donor?  Is it selfish to use an unknown donor?

On the other hand, what if I were more invested in getting to know the donor and the child could care less.  How would I feel about that?  What drives other people to use known vs. unknown or identity release donors?  Is money a factor?  Personally, I think it's crappy that they charge more for identity release donors vs. anonymous donors.  You're already spending so much money, some people may opt to put the difference in funds toward more vials instead.

Are there people who regret having chosen unknown donors later on after seeing their child struggle?  I mean, most of the time, you don't get an opportunity to change your mind later. Then again, identity release doesn't guarantee that your child will have the option to meet the donor later either.

Anyway, all of this is coming up because I've had several facebook discussions with the possible donor couple.  Now, they would like to meet in person to chat.  I am TERRIFIED.

Also, if H decides to jump on this parenting wagon with me, she is more comfortable with using an unknown donor.  She thinks parenting will be complicated enough without having to worry about the donor's feelings/desires and also without having to worry about possible custody issues.  I totally get that.  However, until she decides that's she's fully on the wagon, I need to proceed as I see fit since, right now, it's still all about me and being a SMBC gives me the luxury of not having to worry about her yet.  If H decides that, yes, she would like to co-parent and add a new layer to our relationship, then of course this would become a joint discussion and decision.  In the meantime, I'm trying to get her to come along with me to this meeting -- which has not yet been solidified -- so she can get a feel for them.  Either way, I would like her opinion...

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Old Souls

I was reading this entry the other day a year ago. It's by a mother (the blogess!) whose child appears to have either a connection with a past life or what others might call a "wild imagination". I've tried several times to write this post over the last 3 weeks month and a half year. I have lots to say about it. Although, all of the thoughts are a jumbled mess and won't seem to come out.

I've thought about it endlessly. I've talked about it with friends. Some have even shared their own stories of things they remember seeing as children. One friend used to live in a very old house and her mother tells stories of how my friend used to talk to an old woman who liked to sew. The apartment that they lived in was part of a large old house. The unit that they rented was largely comprised of what used to be the woman's sewing room. My friend no longer remembers talking to this woman, or what she looked like. However, I remember her mother talking about this when we were small. In fact, her mother saw an old woman floating up and down the stairs with a sewing basket and strings of yarn trailing behind her.

When my sister was small, she was terrified of sirens and emergency vehicles of any kind. Our house was about 7 houses in from a major road, so there were always sirens. It was very difficult to play outside with her because she would shake and cry every time we heard one. One day, after a fire truck passed and I was able to calm her down, I asked her why she was so afraid of fire trucks. (I should mention that I am 15 years older than my sister.) She told me that in her old life her daddy, her OLD daddy, not the daddy she has now, saved her from a fire. Her old daddy died in the fire and that's why she doesn't like them. Fires are scary.


My sister would often say things like that. She would talk about people we couldn't see. She had an imaginary friend Maria. I often wondered how imaginary she really was.

As a child, I never had an imaginary friend. I did see things though. I had one vision that I rarely tell people about because I'm afraid they'll think I'm crazy or that I'm making it up. Sometimes, I have trouble even believing myself, but I know in my heart of hearts what I saw. I've just never been able to make sense of it. I also can't makes sense of why I don't have any concrete religious belief as a result of what I saw -- at least not in the organized religion sense. I wonder if the things that I saw are the sorts of things that make people become Nuns or Priests or whatever. My Memere has very strong Catholic faith. I have always had trouble embracing my Catholic upbringing. Even a as a child, I felt there was too much that didn't make sense to me. I never understood why I couldn't just talk directly to God and why I needed some priest to absolve me of the ridiculous "sins" that I had done as a 6 year old. My grandmother's sister, my great aunt, was a Nun. I wonder if she had a vision that drew her to serve God. She's gone now, but I wonder if my Memere knows what it was. I should ask her.  Was what I saw a past life flashback?  A divine vision?  Who knows.

Another friend told me of lights that would descend from the ceiling of her bedroom and circle around her.  I didn't get the sense from her story that she ever found them to be frightening.  The story was actually pretty interesting except that we had this conversation over a year ago now, (when I first started writing this blog entry) and I no longer remember the details.

Anyway, more and more lately, I have really been connecting with my spiritual side.  Religion to me always felt awkward and too ritualistic and stuffy.  It focused a lot on the things you shouldn't do or the things that others shouldn't do and never really focused too much on the spiritual part.  I've found something that is really working for me.  I'm meditating a lot -- for me that is my way to connect to God and the Earth.  For me, I don't feel like I need a middle man.  I try to live my life honestly, to help others, and to be kind to the Earth.  But that's what works for me and I don't expect it to work for everyone.  My personal belief is that we are all worshiping the same God, but we each have a different path to follow to get there.  There is no right way and no wrong way.

I do believe in past lives, spirits, and angels; I do believe our souls never die and I  believe in God.  I believe that kids are so close to their past lives that they can recall details about how they lived before.  I don't believe in "wild imagination".

Monday, August 13, 2012


CD3 blood work revealed a giant cyst (a follicle that never aspirated (exploded)) and high estradiol levels.  If the estradiol (e2 - an estrogen) level had been normal, then I would have been able to proceed with this cycle.

But of course, it did not.  I have been ceremoniously DERAILED.

What this means for me?  The lightest period I have ever had, sore boobs that seem like they will never go away and a good thick "stripe" on the ultrasound.  The stripe is the measurement of the thickness of the uterine lining that needs to shed with AF each month OR make a cozy spot for a cute little blastocyst/embryo to take up shop.  None of these things seem to be happening. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

I'm feeling frustrated, but trying to take the message from "church" yesterday to live in all of the moments and take them for what they are.  To seek their purpose, I can only imagine I'm still learning patience. H, made a good point at breakfast yesterday - we spent an entire year basically on hold while waiting for our house sale to go through last year.  It doesn't make sense to hold our breath and wait again on this.  Living life in two week increments is no way to live and we need to spend more time living in what's happening now and allowing ourselves to feel every bit of it -- not just the joy and hopes and anticipation, but to take all of it in, but to let it move through and not hang onto the parts that feel icky.  Acknowledge and let go.  Sounds so simple.  So, I'm going to acknowledge that I feel disappointed and kind of pissed that I finally get to get moving on this whole baby making thing and I'm back in a FUCKINGHOLDINGPATTERN!!!!

Then again, maybe this gives H some more time to solidify her feelings about what role she wants to play in this child's life.  I think she was surprised by her disappointment with the BFN and not just on my behalf either.  She was actually a little excited at the thought that I could be pregnant.  This is huge for her since she's coming from a place where she never wanted to have children and doesn't particularly like other people's kids.  She finds kids to be disarming and unpredictable in the things they say (sometimes they're embarrassing!).  Since she was never really around babies, she doesn't really know what to do with them and feels self conscious about that because women are expected to know and to gush and think babies are cute. 

I think we both realize that since I'll be living here and having a baby that she is going to easily slide into the role of the other mother, intentionally or not.  There are things that would be very different though, if she opts to co-parent in an official capacity.  (The baby taking her last name for instance.)  There's some internalized homophobia to work through, and that stuff is never easy (mostly hers) -- and as you know I've struggled with choosing to become a single mother adding just another layer to the pie that this baby will have a lesbian mother and have to deal with whatever THAT brings.  I recognize that we've come a long way; I live in the liberal land of New England where, most of the time, people don't even bat an eye at alternative family structures.  People who are no longer in relationships co-parent all of the time and most of the time, it works out just fine.  So, even though we're not in a relationship in the context that most people would define it, we certainly have a very healthy, loving, happy, home environment.  We both just need to get over these little hang ups and know that it doesn't really matter **how** or **what** our relationship should be defined as, but that we're going into this with open communication, open hearts, and greeting parenthood intentionally with all of the love this little baby could soak up.  The important thing is that she and I know what's up and that we're on the same page and right now we're okay with talking that out and taking the time to do so. 

She understands that I'm running out of time and that I've always wanted kids; I understand that she's never wanted kids and that this is going to be a huge change for her.  This is the ultimate compromise for her and with that comes  a little bit of guilt on my part, not because I'm pushing her to do anything, but because I can't really take it into consideration and I just have to move forward.  So, she's sort of left to catch up, sort out, and move forward or not.  I can't help her with the decision and I can't wait for her to figure it out.  She gets it and encouraged me to just move forward, but I wish I could give her all of the time she needs.  This month off is maybe just what Dr. Universe ordered -- so we can all catch up to the new feelings and possibilities that may be on the horizon.  But I still reserve the right to be irritated about having to learn patience again, can't I?

Sunday, August 12, 2012

All aboooooard!

Arrived on Friday, so at least she didn't make me wait long before I can get going on the next cycle!

This cycle is super bizarre :  it's really light and it appears that it is also going to be really short.


All Abooooooooooooooooooooard!

Today, I go for CD3 blood work and an ultrasound. Providing all of that is on track, tonight I will start the clomid again.  The nurse said the doctor plans on sticking with the same protocol as last time, though I think I'm going to ask if they ever checked my progesterone.  I don't remember us having a discussion about that.

And here's a tear jerker -- pms'ing or not -- pregnant or not"

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Well, I'm Not One of THOSE People

I admit it. I thought I was going to be THAT person.  You know, one of those people who somehow bypasses a BFN and gets pregnant on the first try.  I even felt a little smug (secretly -- well, not so secretly now) and self assured.

I felt like since I had to work SO HARD to even get to this point that hadn't I already paid my dues?  I deserved to get pregnant right away. (Not that we all don't deserve it, but this is about me right now, sorry.) 

It certainly wasn't a surprise; I had 15 (or more) negative pee sticks to show for it.  But, that positive that I got on Saturday 8-4, that one really had me thinking I was pregnant.  And I suspect I possibly had the shortest ever chemical pregnancy -- by Sunday morning, it was negative again.  Either that or the CVS Early Response tests are junk. Either way, it doesn't really matter because I'm not pregnant now and I'm never buying blue dye tests again.

Okay, pity party over.

Today wasn't all bad!  I got a great part time job that really has the potential to open up a whole new world for me career wise.  So, I am absolutely stoked about it because it also happens to be something that I am passionate about.  If they receive additional funding, this has the potential to blossom into a whole new full time gig for me. So, fingers crossed please!

When I started getting a headache today, I took ibuprofen.

I lifted heavy sandbags at agility class.

I ate deli ham and soft cheeses.

And, just a short time ago, I ate some potato chips and, in a few minutes, I plan to follow them up with a cupcake and a giant glass of milk.  (Okay, it's the cupcake for my pity party, so maybe it's not QUITE over yet.)

I am looking forward to getting my regular bladder back and to losing this bloated feeling.

And, I am looking forward to beginning again.  This time, I'll be a little wiser, a little more humble, but just as hopeful as ever.  Hoping to hear good news from the rest of you!

Sunday, August 5, 2012

My Mother Must Think I Hate Her...

I haven't spoken to my mother, save for 1 text, in two and a half weeks.  We aren't fighting, but I'll bet she thinks I'm upset about something.

I haven't spoken to her because, when it comes to myself,  I AM THE WORST SECRET KEEP EVER.  And.. I can't lie for SHIZZLE.  Everything is written all over my face.  So, in the interest of trying to make this an authentic experience for others in the family  (not that it isn't authentic... but more surprisey-ish), I have chosen not to tell my mom exactly when I was going to start TTC. I told her, "probably sometime in August, I'll let you know once I know what my period is doing."  But then I got my period sooner than I expected, and so then I started trying sooner than I expected BUT OMYGODYOUGUYS, do you have any idea how difficult it is to keep it to myself???  Due to the fact that I can't control myself if I speak to my mother or my sister, I have just not called. Or texted. Or anything.  My sister has texted several times and instant messaged me.  I did write back, but I nearly had to saw my fingers off to keep from typing, "Holy. Shit. I could totally be pregnant right now."


"There are 15 million sperms of a strange, unknown man, swimming inside of me right now."

You get the idea.  And I'm DYING TO TELL MY MOTHER what I'm scheming, but at the same time, it'll be so much more fun to tell her when she has no idea it's even on the table yet.

Then again, if this cycle doesn't result in a BFP, I will definitely have to fill her in because this story is just too good not to tell.

Friday, August 3, 2012

Science-y Question...

So, for all of you that know which side your follicles were on -- particularly if you only had mature follicles on one side, I'm curious -- when you got pregnant, do you know which side of the uterus the placenta grew from?

Like, do the eggys drop out of the Fallopian tube like a bad launch in pinball?  Or does it come rocketing out of there and bounce all over the place until it finds a nice squooshy delicious place to feast?

These are the things I think of... and I think it would make a really awesome high school science project.

AFM: Still negative this morning.  Still peeing.  Still have pressure.  No sore boobs, no acne, no usual signs of PMS.  A tiny bit of intermittent cramping today, still have gas (sorry), still impatient.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Bog of Crazy is a Murky, Murky, Place (Why you shouldn't test early...)

So, to update with full disclosure, last night and yesterday morning (7dpIUI/8dpT) I got two VERY faintly positive tests.  I took photos of them and sent them to a couple of friends and we squinted together virtually. We guardedly thought I could be pregnant.  (The tests look pregnant but very faintly, so we wondered if these tests could be more sensitive.)

On Monday, 6 days post trigger shot, I THOUGHT I tested the HcG trigger shot out of my system.  (Way too early for anything to have implanted. Implantation occurs between 6 and 12 days post ovulation.  Mathematically I fouled this up. If I had thought more carefully ( and googled, sooner, how to count days past ovulation do you count the day of as day 1? or the day after?), I would have realized that there was NO WAY I could even be pregnant yet.

Today I am 8 days post IUI, 9 days post trigger shot (no idea how many days past ovulation I am) and as mentioned earlier today my friend made a delivery of pregnancy tests.  I'm pretty sure we emptied out CVS in the southern part of the state.  I used both a CVS Early Response test (compare to First Response Early Result) and a First REsponse Early Result.  The CVS is a blue dye test, and the First Response is pink dye.  I'm told it makes a difference and that for some reason pink is better. No idea why.  Both are negative.

And now I know why you don't test early, even when you think you outsmarted the system, you probably haven't.

Also, it should be required that they put the reading sensitivies on the boxes.

So, I know it's early.  I still feel gross and have to pee all of the time.  But I'm feeling wicked bummed and moderately crabby.  Maybe it's a hormone crash, maybe it's let down of testing gone awry, but I think my lesson has been learned.  Which is not to say that I probably won't test first thing tomorrow morning, because I probably will.  I'm just not going to expect to see anything.

Swimming in a Bog of Crazy

An example of a true friend is one who drops everything, grabs her two kids and drags her very pregnant  (adorable) self into the car and schleps 45 minutes to the other end of the state just so she can pick up your FSA card and drive to CVS to buy you pregnancy tests because well, you're out of them.  And you're stuck at work.  And you both NEED TO KNOW now and you need to pee on more sticks NOW.

Bog of Crazy, swimming, I am.  I am also grateful for the above mentioned friend.  And I wicked need to pee... I hope she hurries up.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012


F is for failing to wait to test.

The doctor called today, I don't have a UTI and NOTHING grew in the culture either.  So, no explanation for the frequent pee other than possible pressure from stimulated ovaries or the very rare chance that I am pregnant and noticing very, very, very, early on.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012


Today is day 3 of my being on bactrim and I'm still having urgency/frequency to pee.  Still have pressure in my belly, but the doctor said it appears to be bladder and not uterus.  So, at least we can definitely rule out infection of my uterus.  They did a urine check and the first part of the test came back negative, so now I'm waiting for a culture -- results on Thursday.  She said it's possible that it is very early symptoms, that it's not very common, but that sometimes women do get that this early.  I didn't ask that question, she volunteered that info with a caution.  The medications could be somewhat responsible for the bloated feeling, so I'm trying not to read too much into that.

However, today I started with the most absurd amount of gas I have ever had, pretty much... well... ever.  It's unbelievable.  

I'm going to attempt to NOT test until Friday.  My friend Lisa, the photographer, would like to be present and I think it's POSSIBLE that I could potentially get a result on Friday even though it is super early.

I'm not sure if I can pull it off though.  Maybe I could test with non-digital tests... maybe that'd be a good compromise.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Pee-ople Magazine

So, tomorrow morning at 10am I will be heading into the doctor to get checked out and to leave a urine sample. 

Apparently, I should be feeling much better now, but I still have pressure and am still peeing like crazy.  Still no fever or other signs of infection.

Unrelated to that, I am still getting hot flashes but as of this evening the trigger shot is officially out of my system.  I finally got the negative pregnancy test (the only time you can really be happy about that).  So, now I can begin obsseively peeing on sticks for the real result.

I have a serious problem -- this doesn't even include the digital one that I used as a tie breaker.

And the dog is always there cheering me on.

Tinkle Times

So, I woke up at 5am to pee today instead of at 3:30, but the important part to note is that I woke up to pee at all.

I have now taken 3 of the 6 bactrim pills and I haven't really seen an improvement.  I thought when I awoke this morning things were better. However, it seems the longer I am up and moving about, the more pressure I feel.

I guess I'm going to call into the RE's office and see if I can be seen first thing tomorrow morning instead of today because I will need to leave work early (again).

Still drinking lots of cranberry juice, but I am just not having any relief.  The RE didn't really say what she would be concerned about if I wasn't feeling better from UTI, just that I should be seen.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Urine Nation

I live in a land consumed by the need to pee.

If I were Native American, my name would be I Pee Frequently.

I left a message with the RE's office last night requesting a call back.  It seems the Cranberry Juice and water I consumed really has not reduced the urge to pee.  (Not surprising... but that damn pressure!!)

I heard from the doctor first thing this morning and she called in an Rx for Bactrim to treat UTI.  She said if I'm not better by early afternoon tomorrow, that I need to be seen in the office.

She asked about whether I have cramping, I don't.  Just tons of pressure and lots of peeing.  I have had UTI before, and normally I have urgency, but when I go there is little to no pee.  This is urgency with pee!  Still waking up at night to pee.

The HCG shot would not cause the pressure feeling in the uterus as one of its side effects, so who knows if it's a UTI or not.

Stay tuned for the Tinkle Times morning bulletin.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Diagnostic Image Porn

No, this isn't some crazy version of "Good Night Moon".  It's my beautiful uterus and tubes!  I'm kind of a nerd and into all things reproductive and birth related (duh, I'm a doula, we're weird like that!)

So, here, for your viewing pleasure, are images of my hysterosalpingogram (HSG).  It was not bad at all -- save for that damn clamp on the cervix which caused some cramping. 

At the bottom of image you see the clamp holding my cervix and catheter in cervix through to uterus.  This is before the dye is injected into the uterus.

Here, you can see the uterus begin to fill with the contrast dye

Tubes beginning to fill, and uterus is clearer

Uterus and Tubes Full the whispy white areas outside of the uterus is dye spill over into the peritoneal cavity shows tubes are nice and open.

Side view - but not sure which side is which, but I think this is the left side

Left side view again (I think)

I'm pretty sure this is a transverse view. As you can see in all of these images, my uterus is a bit "arcurate" meaning the top of my fundus dips down toward the center as opposed to being more straight across.  i'm told this shouldn't make a difference in my fertility, however there is a chance that this is a bit of fibroid material, but it shoudln't affect anything at this stage

Friday, July 27, 2012

Olympic Urination

In the Spirit of the Olympics, I have been practicing extreme urination.  I mean, I peed 5 times in 2 hours today.  This is incredibly strange for me.  I don't know if it's the beginnings of a UTI, or side effects from the trigger shot, or what.  It doesn't burn, it doesn't stink, it doesn't hurt, and it's plentiful amounts. 

Also, the pressure in my uterus is INSANE. 

I also woke up to pee last night, THAT NEVER HAPPENS.

I called the doctor's office, they recommended drinking more and getting some cranberry juice to try to flush things out, just to be on the safe side.

It's too early for it to mean anything that would should get excited about.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Hot Blooded

So, last night we started agility classes with our new puppy, Finn.  The building is air conditioned, so there was absolutely NO REASON why I should have been sweating like a fat man throwing himself around on Saturday Night Live.

I didn't notice at first, but then H looks at me with this look on her face and says, "Omg, are you alright?"
I realized that my hair was drenched with sweat and I felt like I was on FIRE.  Hello hot flashes!!

I feel fine otherwise, though I still have a fullness feeling in my uterus.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

15 million sperm walk into a bar...

or my uterus, your choice.  :-)

So today was the big day!  I got my estradiol results which were 223 and triggered last night as I mentioned yesterday.

I started my day off with a little acupuncture over at Providence Community Acupuncture with my good friend Cris Monteiro.  Afterwards, I made my way over to the clinic and met up with my friend and fellow doula, Lisa,  who also happens to be an amazing photographer. I think I mentioned she is working on a birth project of which I plan to take part.  We snuck in a few photos when no one was looking...

The swim team stats
After care instructions

Original vials that the swim team came in.  They actually let me keep it.

The IUI was a breeze.  The worst part was the GIGANTIC SPECULUM that they used.  Seriously, I think she could see my brain.  The nurse asked, "is there anywhere that's pinching or particularly uncomfortable?"  and my response was "all of it, but I'm okay."

When she put the catheter in there was a little bit of cramping, but she told me to let her know when it stopped and then she would proceed.  The cramping, she said, was a good sign because they know for sure that they are in the right spot.  The whole procedure took fewer than 5 minutes, then she told me to hang out for 10 minutes and then I could be on my way.

As soon as the nurse finished, I had this realization that this might be it. There's no going back now!  "Holy. Shit."

And H's response was, "What have you done??"

And then we all cracked up.  Lisa and her baby daughter started doing a little dance and we took a few photos with our phones while the nurse was out of the room.  If only we had a video camera... 

Afterwards, we took a few photos outside of the clinic and then H headed home to work and I went back to Providence Community Acupuncture for another treatment.  I fell asleep for an hour and a half which, for me, is unheard of!  I had a dream of a beautiful billowing volcano.  I have no idea what that means, but it was neat.

I went home and attempted to work and couldn't concentrate.  So, I decided to take the day without pay because I just wasn't getting anything done.  

I didn't have too much cramping for the rest of the day, just mostly what felt like pressure.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Well, I was going to be all fancy...

Sorry about the countdown to nowhere...  LOL!  Psych!  I have been all out of sorts since Friday. 

I ended up at THE LONGEST BIRTH EVER.  Over 60 hours of labor and that baby just would not get into position no matter WHAT we tried.  The good news is that everyone is doing well despite the fact that things did not go at all like mama had hoped.  She took each challenge with grace and she was truly an insipiration.

Once she finally had that baby in her arms, I turned to her after some time had passed and said, "So, should I do it? Was it worth it?"

An emphatic "yes!" was her response.

I took my last clomid on Thursday and never got any side effects, save for the sweating/hot flashes.

On Friday, I got called to the birth and the baby was born late Sunday afternoon.  I spent 2 nights sleeping a tiny bit in my car (because it was cool in there with the a/c and also because 60 hours and not being able to fart is torture -- not to be crude, but it's the truth!).  So, I was really concerned about whether the follicles were going to grow without any rest.  I didn't have any of my monitors with me, so I wasn't able to track what is happening on my own right now.

As it turns out, everything is just fine.Had my HSG today and everything came back clear!  Firstly, the HSG was a piece of cake.  The worst part is the clamping of the cervix -- he used a loop and not the tenaculum, so it wasn't so bad.  Just take deep breaths slowly in and out and try to keep all of your muscles as relaxed as possible.  It's really not bad at all.  There is a small possibility of a tiny bit of "fibrous" material at the top of my uterus, but it's undefined and may be nothing at all.  Dr. said it was nothing to be concerned about.  I also had my follicle check today -- I had over 20 immature follicles and one "perfect" 18mm follicle on my left ovary.  I was so excited because I had surgery on this ovary years ago and I wasn't sure if it was functioning or not.

I just did my trigger shot and my IUI is scheduled for 10:30 tomorrow morning.  Holy crap!  I'm terrified and excited all at once.  I went for acupuncture tonight -- (and it's worth mentioning again to those considering acupuncture but where cost is a barrier to check out,0/18000/  to search for a sliding scale community clinic near you) -- and I am going for acupuncture again tomorrow before my IUI and again immediately after.

I can't believe it's finally here!

Here is a photo of us doing the trigger shot - you can go ahead and disregard the stretch marks if you wouldn't mind.  (At least I don't have worry about getting those if I get pregnant -- already can check those off the list!):  

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Five... (significant dates) (and "Plan Queef")

I'm finding the significance of the dates that are coinciding with various "things" that need to happen with this process to be very interesting.

CD1 fell on my dad's birthday, CD3 blood work and ultrasound fell on the eve of the birth of my 9th doula baby's birthday, and CD12 the day of the upcoming follicle check and (hopefully) day of the trigger shot falls ON the birth of doula baby #10's birthday. 

Doula baby #10 is the baby of the family that gave these vials of sperm to me.  They decided they did not want anymore children and GIFTED THREE vials of IUI ready swimmers to me.  I love the serendipity of it all!

Symptom wise, I'm still about the same.

Since I was very concerned that I would have some emotional upheaval as a result of the clomid, we decided to come up with a plan in advance to try to mitigate the damage.  Thankfully, so far, it hasn't really been necessary to implement "plan queef", however, it is so funny (to me) that I feel I must share it with you. (All two of you.)

Upon discussion of the possible, erm, "emotional disturbance" one might expect with hormone therapy, I suggested that, perhaps, H come up with a safe word.  This word would be invoked at the moment when it was clear that I was leaping off of the emotional deep end at Club Clomid.  I felt it would be best if the word were funny, outrageous, and non-sequitur.  The word would be intended to shock me back to reality and hopefully make me laugh in the heat of the moment and NOT make more more stabby.  I suggested that "queef" would be an excellent fit.  Queef, on its own, is a funny word.  It's funny to say, and generally I think it brings out the 12 year old in us all.  Granted, it is not terribly refined, or proper, or any of those things, but damnit PLAN QUEEF WORKS!  Queef is versatile.

"Are you being queefy?"
"Is there a queef issue?"

Queefy can be sung to the tune of the Bat Man theme song.  

Queef is funny.  The more you say queef, the funnier it is.

Last clomid pill tomorrow night.

Queefs out bitches.