Monday, August 13, 2012

Derailed



CD3 blood work revealed a giant cyst (a follicle that never aspirated (exploded)) and high estradiol levels.  If the estradiol (e2 - an estrogen) level had been normal, then I would have been able to proceed with this cycle.

But of course, it did not.  I have been ceremoniously DERAILED.

What this means for me?  The lightest period I have ever had, sore boobs that seem like they will never go away and a good thick "stripe" on the ultrasound.  The stripe is the measurement of the thickness of the uterine lining that needs to shed with AF each month OR make a cozy spot for a cute little blastocyst/embryo to take up shop.  None of these things seem to be happening. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

I'm feeling frustrated, but trying to take the message from "church" yesterday to live in all of the moments and take them for what they are.  To seek their purpose, I can only imagine I'm still learning patience. H, made a good point at breakfast yesterday - we spent an entire year basically on hold while waiting for our house sale to go through last year.  It doesn't make sense to hold our breath and wait again on this.  Living life in two week increments is no way to live and we need to spend more time living in what's happening now and allowing ourselves to feel every bit of it -- not just the joy and hopes and anticipation, but to take all of it in, but to let it move through and not hang onto the parts that feel icky.  Acknowledge and let go.  Sounds so simple.  So, I'm going to acknowledge that I feel disappointed and kind of pissed that I finally get to get moving on this whole baby making thing and I'm back in a FUCKINGHOLDINGPATTERN!!!!


Then again, maybe this gives H some more time to solidify her feelings about what role she wants to play in this child's life.  I think she was surprised by her disappointment with the BFN and not just on my behalf either.  She was actually a little excited at the thought that I could be pregnant.  This is huge for her since she's coming from a place where she never wanted to have children and doesn't particularly like other people's kids.  She finds kids to be disarming and unpredictable in the things they say (sometimes they're embarrassing!).  Since she was never really around babies, she doesn't really know what to do with them and feels self conscious about that because women are expected to know and to gush and think babies are cute. 

I think we both realize that since I'll be living here and having a baby that she is going to easily slide into the role of the other mother, intentionally or not.  There are things that would be very different though, if she opts to co-parent in an official capacity.  (The baby taking her last name for instance.)  There's some internalized homophobia to work through, and that stuff is never easy (mostly hers) -- and as you know I've struggled with choosing to become a single mother adding just another layer to the pie that this baby will have a lesbian mother and have to deal with whatever THAT brings.  I recognize that we've come a long way; I live in the liberal land of New England where, most of the time, people don't even bat an eye at alternative family structures.  People who are no longer in relationships co-parent all of the time and most of the time, it works out just fine.  So, even though we're not in a relationship in the context that most people would define it, we certainly have a very healthy, loving, happy, home environment.  We both just need to get over these little hang ups and know that it doesn't really matter **how** or **what** our relationship should be defined as, but that we're going into this with open communication, open hearts, and greeting parenthood intentionally with all of the love this little baby could soak up.  The important thing is that she and I know what's up and that we're on the same page and right now we're okay with talking that out and taking the time to do so. 

She understands that I'm running out of time and that I've always wanted kids; I understand that she's never wanted kids and that this is going to be a huge change for her.  This is the ultimate compromise for her and with that comes  a little bit of guilt on my part, not because I'm pushing her to do anything, but because I can't really take it into consideration and I just have to move forward.  So, she's sort of left to catch up, sort out, and move forward or not.  I can't help her with the decision and I can't wait for her to figure it out.  She gets it and encouraged me to just move forward, but I wish I could give her all of the time she needs.  This month off is maybe just what Dr. Universe ordered -- so we can all catch up to the new feelings and possibilities that may be on the horizon.  But I still reserve the right to be irritated about having to learn patience again, can't I?



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