Friday, August 17, 2012
Exactly, what if?
I have no idea.
I could, with some difficulty, purchase some new frozen sperm next year using my FSA. It's pretty pricey and would use up a good portion of my funds for 2013, but I could. Sadly, the donor I am currently using, whom I have a crush on, is no longer available. Well, that's a lie -- he's only available to people who already have children with this donor. Dammit. I can't ask the couple that gave me their left over sperm to order it because then I won't be able to use my FSA. AND, then it would not be possible to buy the sperm without my FSA.
So, what's a gal to do?
As you know, I have long hoped to use a known donor. Recently, a friend put me in contact with a couple who may be interested in donating. So far, they are EVERYTHING I could have ever hoped for and then some. They own a popular, well known farm in the area. They are seemingly healthy and active, love animals, believe in preserving the earth, eating locally and organically. The only thing is, they don't have children of their own. I'm not sure, yet, why not. I'm also not sure why they are motivated to donate. They seem very thoughtful though, so I don't think this is something they are just jumping into. One thing I'm not sure about, is what difference it would make legally if we do not reside in the same state -- this will require further investigation. Currently, in my state, donor agreements are taken under consideration, but they are no way legally binding. It all comes down to a judge's discretion if a custody disagreement were to ensue. I presume, since I , and therefor the child would reside in Rhode Island, we would be held to RI state law, but I'm not sure.
As I've discussed before, there are tons of reasons why a donor from a bank makes things simple. But, I do struggle with removing the option for the child to ever get to know it's biological family. On the other hand, some situations may make you wish your unknown donor was still unknown to you. (This is a topic for a whole other blog entry...) However, knowing your donor in real life could avoid a lot of strife and the fact that your child could have hundreds of half siblings out in the world. It's a risk too, though. Would I be confident enough as a parent for my child to get to know the other half of his or her biology? Would I feel jealous? Insecure? Are these good reasons to use an unknown donor? Is it selfish to use an unknown donor?
On the other hand, what if I were more invested in getting to know the donor and the child could care less. How would I feel about that? What drives other people to use known vs. unknown or identity release donors? Is money a factor? Personally, I think it's crappy that they charge more for identity release donors vs. anonymous donors. You're already spending so much money, some people may opt to put the difference in funds toward more vials instead.
Are there people who regret having chosen unknown donors later on after seeing their child struggle? I mean, most of the time, you don't get an opportunity to change your mind later. Then again, identity release doesn't guarantee that your child will have the option to meet the donor later either.
Anyway, all of this is coming up because I've had several facebook discussions with the possible donor couple. Now, they would like to meet in person to chat. I am TERRIFIED.
Also, if H decides to jump on this parenting wagon with me, she is more comfortable with using an unknown donor. She thinks parenting will be complicated enough without having to worry about the donor's feelings/desires and also without having to worry about possible custody issues. I totally get that. However, until she decides that's she's fully on the wagon, I need to proceed as I see fit since, right now, it's still all about me and being a SMBC gives me the luxury of not having to worry about her yet. If H decides that, yes, she would like to co-parent and add a new layer to our relationship, then of course this would become a joint discussion and decision. In the meantime, I'm trying to get her to come along with me to this meeting -- which has not yet been solidified -- so she can get a feel for them. Either way, I would like her opinion...