Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Doubts and Fears - ... And Honesty from Another Parent

me: I'm having an invented crisis

M: what's your crisis?

Me: My crisis is that I'm having thoughts of maybe my life is actually good without kids.

M: um life is good without kids.
  kids make life hard and less fun.
me: I don't know what to do with these thoughts of being good without kids.  I've never really had them before, nor could I have ever imagined that I would have them! I'm probably getting pregnant right now, with triplets, as we speak.  Life will be ruined!

M: Um, life won't be ruined, just different. But then it gets good in different ways-- Like I get to experience the fun stuff about being a kid again.

me: I mean, I know you love your girls, but would you have them now knowing what you know now?

M: I do, but I totally get you on this one. I did NOT love the early years of parenting. Yes, I would because I like life with them, BUT, I also can imagine how things would be without ever having kids.  What I mean is, I can't really fathom my kids not existing because they are awesome. But I can imagine the person I would be without them.

me: We're really enjoying doing agility and rally classes with the dog, and hiking, and geocaching...

M: Yup. Sometimes I get frustrated when I see G's posts of the fun stuff she does and I get a little bummed about not being able to travel, etc.  But I also get to do fun stuff and meet interesting people because of the kids.  Most of my good friends here are parents I met through the girls.

me: G lives a crazy amazingly fun looking life.

M: And life is funny with kids. They force you to find perspective and keep you grounded.

me: It was also hard on your relationship, wasn't it?
M: AND, when I do get to do other fun adult things I appreciate them more. :-)  Of course. but who's to say that we wouldn't have gone through tough times anyway?

me: Well, I wonder if H will feel resentment.  Though, she's been really great...

M: Now we are better off for it because we worked it out.

 me: True.  I'm freaking out.  I don't know what's wrong with me! It's like I don't even know who I am.  LOL

M: It's normal.

me: Also, I see some of my friends who had older kids accidentally get pregnant and they disappear.  I don't want to disappear.  And there's this woman we've become friendly with --  she's this amazingly interesting woman.  She's an artist, and a dog trainer, and she competes with her dogs.  She is a photographer and she owns her own landscape architecture business.  She's so interesting and seems fun.  She reads like mad.  And i think, "Wow, how does she find the time?"
Then I think, "Oh yeah, she and her husband don't have kids."

M: Yeah, that's probably true.

me: Then i wonder, "Why doesn't she have kids?"

M: But you make the life you want with your kids.

me: I mean, we have tons more free time now that the dog died last week.  Before, I used to wonder how I would fit a kid into my life.

M: I know plenty of people who just pack up the kids and do whatever they want.

me: And now, I think when am I going to see my kid? I feel like I don't see the dog as much as I would like to and we take him everywhere.  I'm going to try to relax.

 M: Well, your kid will demand quite a bit more attention than your dog.

me: I know.  Well, the sick dog was actually worse than kid -- created like 3 loads of laundry a day

M: It's done! Just relax. You will figure it out.

me: This is what happens when I decide to just leap and figure out the details later. lol!

M: I did not do any planning like this before getting pregnant with N.  It was, "lets have a baby."  "ok." Done.

me: lol

M: I didn't know anyone with kids, so there was no comparison.

me: At least babies aren't expensive early on.  I worry about money.  And multiples.

M: they are expensive if you let them be.

me: I have two boobs and cloth diapers. And lots of hand-me-downs.

M: But with your network of friends, I'm sure you'd get everything you need handed-down
  right. :-)
me: I pretty much have everything I need arleady.  I've been buying stuff over the years, used,
  and getting lots of free stuff.

M: You don't need anything except a car seat, clothes, and a carrier of some sort.

me: I could have one right now. I'd just need clothes.  I was gifted things like highchair, exersaucer, swing, etc. My friend is giving me a co-sleeper -- because of my apnea, i fall into the category of "should not co-sleep".  I have a breast pump.  I have a crib -- which I probably won't need, but who knows.  I have a lot of crap to store or sell.

M: It will be fine.

me: I hope so. I mean, it has to be, so i'm sure it will be.  Hopefully it won't be miserable.  I just got the bill for the last IUI.  I think that's part of the freak out.

M: Yeah, probably. Plus, it's normal to freak out about major life changes.

me: Yeah. One should really reserve the freak out for when one actually has a positive test.

M: True.

me: Can I use some of your words incognito on my blog if i feel so inclined?

M: Sure.

me:  i lvoe you and miss you.

M: i lvoe you too

me: lol.  Perhaps I should add "insane" to my short list of symptoms, which only involve exhaustion and frequently peeing.  I took a nap from 8pm to 845 last night. Then I ate dinner and went to bed at 930.  The two previous nights, i was in bed by 10. That's unheard of for me.

________________________________________ 39 minutes

me: and H's parents keep asking us why we want to ruin our lives. Well, that's what her dad says. Her mom says "are you sure you want to do that?"

M: they don't want to be grandparents?
me: It's weird, it's like it never even crossed their minds that they could be.  My mom is excited.  S is over the moon excited.

M: They assumed  having gay kids meant no grandkids? How 1990s.
me: HA!  LOL!  I'm guessing so.  And H never wanted kids, so I think they just never considered it would be possible.  They've never really said what the deal is.  Maybe it's that they really just have trouble with us having a kid and being gay?  But can't put their finger on it?  And verablize?

 M: maybe

 me: I really have no idea. It's weird to me.  But they totally love me... and seem to accept us just fine.  And almost seem sad that we're not getting married, they but call me their daughter in law
  maybe it's just complicated for them...

 or maybe they really didn't like parenting...

 H was a really difficult kid --  un dx sensory processing disorder, I think.  She still has wicked sensory issues.  She didn't like changes in routine.  Screamed about wearing clothes.  Didn't like going on vacations because it deviated from routine.  They just thought she was a brat and   brought her to shrinks.  They really tried, but they never really got any useful help with how to deal with her.

M: yeah. Plus kids are annoying. :-)  Back before we knew about stuff like that.  N was kind of an annoying sensory kid - getting SOO much better as she gets older though. Still won't wear pants that zip or snap. or underwear with seams.

me: Oh, really?? I didn't know that.  H is STILL like that.

M: Yeah, totally. Remember how hard it was to get her to stop crying as an infant? Constant rocking/bouncing/loud white noise?

me: Yes, that i recall! Maybe she just hated feety pajamas!

M: Probably!

me: lol!  I'm afraid i'm going ot have a kid like that.  

M: It's easy to manage if you know! When we took N to the shrink last year, they said she probably had an immature nervous system.  Caused her to have some tics (wiping her nose, clearing her throat, etc.) stuff we thought was OCDish, but more likely overly sensitive nervous system - kind of related to anxiety.

me: How could you tell that those things weren't just allergies, but were actually tics?

 M: So she won't really wear anything without an elastic waist, anything that's not jersey knit. Hates mid-lenngth sleeves or leggings, and most shoes.

M: well, the doc thought they were things that started out as allergies, but then even when the symptoms went away she was left with tics because she still felt them.

So, more CNS issue, than tic issue.

 me: fascinating

M: A lot of that is developmentally normal for little kids.  3-4 year olds often have tics and sensory issues that they outgrow. It's only a problem when they don't outgrow it or they interfere with life. I think it's more common because they are exposed to so many more stimuli and our expectations for what little kids should be able to handle is generally too high.

me: I suppose that's true.

M: N's big problem is really this: immature nervous system + really smart = kid who understands way more than she can process physically/emotionally.  Oh, and the biological predisposition for anxiety.

me: right

M: You will be so much more prepared to have a kid with issues. :-)

me: or hopefully one without them.  I'm contributing some pretty shitty dna.  So, probably not likely.

M: You never know. so many possible combinations!

me: i've been reading this one blog for about 4 years.  Two moms.  Was ttc blog, but turned parenting blog.  Turned their kid just got dx'd with a super rare, literally ,1 in a million, form of leukemia.  I cannot even imagine the nightmare.  I was wrecked for a year after Jack (my dog) died.  Imagine a kid?  Ugh.

M: Well my friend, get ready - the worry and panic you will feel whenever your kid isn't perfectly healthy? Yeah, it's rough.  I will say that the one biggest change that I was not prepared for was the worry. Oh, and the guilt.  So, that's what I tell my preggo friends. Worry and guilt. Start practicing yoga.

me: LOL! Sounds like good advice.

M: People say the sleep deprivation, but I say the guilt.

me: I worry less about the sleep thing -- as long as H is able to help, she never sleeps.  But, we haven't quite solidified her role yet.  Me on the other hand... I need sleep. 8 strong hours.  I'm in deep doo doo.

 M: Nah, it works out

 me: damn squatter.
       Uterine squatter.  
      Alleged uterine squatter.

M: Ha. That's a good one. or parasite
me: Remora

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