Last time, even though I was disappointed and peed on a trillion pee sticks, when I got the results I was okay. Even though I got a shitty evap line on a blue dye test that ABSOLUTELY looked positive, I was still okay when the FRER showed that it was undoubtedly negative.
What is it about hope that defies all logic? I mean, thank god for hope, but still! I was light pink spotting, had a long line of negative tests, and cramps for three days. Yet, SOMEHOW, I still held onto hope that the beta would come back positive. That is some fucked up shit right there. This TTC crap comes complete with lobotomy. There is no logic. There is no sanity.
I just wasn't prepared for how I was going to feel this time about the negative. I feel like a wicked whiny pants about it, too. I know SO MANY PEOPLE who have been trying for so long. I feel like I need to shut up and suck it up for at least 6 months before I should be allowed to whine. I have to say, though, it SUCKED getting that phone call today. I already knew the answer and it still sucked.
I'm freaking out about money. I might as well have lit $1000 dollars on fire because at least then I could actually SEE my dreams go up in smoke. That doesn't even include the cost of the sperm, since someone actually GAVE me three vials. If I include the cost of the two vials that I've used, that's well over another $1000.00 and that doesn't even include the shipping. I have one vial left and then I'm going to need to figure things out. My FSA is pretty much dry. I think I have funds for half of an IUI cycle in there maybe less and then I'm going to have to come up with the rest. After that, I'm out indefinitely -- at least until the new year rolls over and my FSA is refreshed. I'd like also to thank whatever genius decided it was a good idea to cap the FSA accounts at $2500 for a single person in 2013. Thanks for that... that is not going to go far!
I texted my mom today to give her the news and mentioned that I only have one vial left. She said that "we'll figure something out." Maybe she's planning to buy me some sperm for Christmas...
Something needs to be done with insurance companies -- it's absurd that they won't cover the medications or the procedures. I can understand them (sort of) not covering the sperm, but really the IUI is basically a super short office visit. And they should have to cover the sperm prep.
All of this makes me bring up the idea of a known donor again, but for all of the wonderful things I can think of about a known donor, there is a list of another 10 things that make it scary. Yet it is desirable. I don't want my kid to be angry later because they want to know more about their bio family and they don't have a way to do so. At the same time, H made a good point to me -- even if we did choose a willing to be known donor -- would we really want our kid running off to meet some strange man? So what if they are biologically related, it doesn't preclude that this person could be dangerous. I had never thought of that before. I certainly would want to be present for such a meeting -- probably for several. Which brings the known donor back to the front... so much of that is left up to trust... but there is so much to be gained, too.
Sorry this is all over the place -- I'm kind of a hot mess right now.