Sunday, September 23, 2012

I Wasn't Prepared

Last time, even though I was disappointed and peed on a trillion pee sticks, when I got the results I was okay.  Even though I got a shitty evap line on a blue dye test that ABSOLUTELY looked positive, I was still okay when the FRER showed that it was undoubtedly negative.

What is it about hope that defies all logic?  I mean, thank god for hope, but still!  I was light pink spotting, had a long line of negative tests, and cramps for three days.  Yet, SOMEHOW, I still held onto hope that the beta would come back positive.  That is some fucked up shit right there.  This TTC crap comes complete with lobotomy.  There is no logic.  There is no sanity.

I just wasn't prepared for how I was going to feel this time about the negative.  I feel like a wicked whiny pants about it, too.  I know SO MANY PEOPLE who have been trying for so long.  I feel like I need to shut up and suck it up for at least 6 months before I should be allowed to whine.  I have to say, though, it SUCKED getting that phone call today.  I already knew the answer and it still sucked. 

I'm freaking out about money.  I might as well have lit $1000 dollars on fire because at least then I could actually SEE my dreams go up in smoke.  That doesn't even include the cost of the sperm, since someone actually GAVE me three vials.  If I include the cost of the two vials that I've used, that's well over another $1000.00 and that doesn't even include the shipping.  I have one vial left and then I'm going to need to figure things out.  My FSA is pretty much dry. I think I have funds for half of an IUI cycle in there maybe less and then I'm going to have to come up with the rest.  After that, I'm out indefinitely -- at least until the new year rolls over and my FSA is refreshed.  I'd like also to thank whatever genius decided it was a good idea to cap the FSA accounts at $2500 for a single person in 2013.  Thanks for that... that is not going to go far!

I texted my mom today to give her the news and mentioned that I only have one vial left.  She said that "we'll figure something out."  Maybe she's planning to buy me some sperm for Christmas...

Something needs to be done with insurance companies -- it's absurd that they won't cover the medications or the procedures.  I can understand them (sort of) not covering the sperm, but really the IUI is basically a super short office visit.  And they should have to cover the sperm prep. 

All of this makes me bring up the idea of a known donor again, but for all of the wonderful things I can think of about a known donor, there is a list of another 10 things that make it scary.  Yet it is desirable.  I don't want my kid to be angry later because they want to know more about their bio family and they don't have a way to do so.  At the same time, H made a good point to me -- even if we did choose a willing to be known donor -- would we really want our kid running off to meet some strange man?  So what if they are biologically related, it doesn't preclude that this person could be dangerous.  I had never thought of that before.  I certainly would want to be present for such a meeting -- probably for several.  Which brings the known donor back to the front...  so much of that is left up to trust... but there is so much to be gained, too. 

Sorry this is all over the place -- I'm kind of a hot mess right now.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

This Is Crap!

I really don't know how people do this month after month.  I don't.  I'm only winding down on my second try and I'm feeling so over it. 

For three days, I've had cramps. At first, I thought perhaps it could be implantation cramps -- but probably not for three days.  The weird thing is that I don't usually get cramps with AF.  My boobs aren't sore like they normally are before AF.  And yet, a First Response Early Response was negative this morning.  I'm 13dpo.  Tomorrow, I have my beta which I'm sure will also be negative.  It's frustrating to go from convincing yourself that you're pregnant, to convincing yourself that you aren't.  The wait sucks.  No matter how hard you try, it really is all that you can think about. 

I'm such a total piss ball today. 

If I don't get AF  by Monday, I'm out for the next cycle since I'll be out of town during critical baseline testing.

hmpf.


Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Doubts and Fears - ... And Honesty from Another Parent


me: I'm having an invented crisis

M: what's your crisis?

Me: My crisis is that I'm having thoughts of maybe my life is actually good without kids.

M: um life is good without kids.
  kids make life hard and less fun.
me: I don't know what to do with these thoughts of being good without kids.  I've never really had them before, nor could I have ever imagined that I would have them! I'm probably getting pregnant right now, with triplets, as we speak.  Life will be ruined!

M: Um, life won't be ruined, just different. But then it gets good in different ways-- Like I get to experience the fun stuff about being a kid again.

me: I mean, I know you love your girls, but would you have them now knowing what you know now?

M: I do, but I totally get you on this one. I did NOT love the early years of parenting. Yes, I would because I like life with them, BUT, I also can imagine how things would be without ever having kids.  What I mean is, I can't really fathom my kids not existing because they are awesome. But I can imagine the person I would be without them.

me: We're really enjoying doing agility and rally classes with the dog, and hiking, and geocaching...

M: Yup. Sometimes I get frustrated when I see G's posts of the fun stuff she does and I get a little bummed about not being able to travel, etc.  But I also get to do fun stuff and meet interesting people because of the kids.  Most of my good friends here are parents I met through the girls.

me: G lives a crazy amazingly fun looking life.

M: And life is funny with kids. They force you to find perspective and keep you grounded.

me: It was also hard on your relationship, wasn't it?
M: AND, when I do get to do other fun adult things I appreciate them more. :-)  Of course. but who's to say that we wouldn't have gone through tough times anyway?

me: Well, I wonder if H will feel resentment.  Though, she's been really great...

M: Now we are better off for it because we worked it out.

 me: True.  I'm freaking out.  I don't know what's wrong with me! It's like I don't even know who I am.  LOL

M: It's normal.

me: Also, I see some of my friends who had older kids accidentally get pregnant and they disappear.  I don't want to disappear.  And there's this woman we've become friendly with --  she's this amazingly interesting woman.  She's an artist, and a dog trainer, and she competes with her dogs.  She is a photographer and she owns her own landscape architecture business.  She's so interesting and seems fun.  She reads like mad.  And i think, "Wow, how does she find the time?"
Then I think, "Oh yeah, she and her husband don't have kids."


M: Yeah, that's probably true.

me: Then i wonder, "Why doesn't she have kids?"

M: But you make the life you want with your kids.

me: I mean, we have tons more free time now that the dog died last week.  Before, I used to wonder how I would fit a kid into my life.

M: I know plenty of people who just pack up the kids and do whatever they want.

me: And now, I think when am I going to see my kid? I feel like I don't see the dog as much as I would like to and we take him everywhere.  I'm going to try to relax.

 M: Well, your kid will demand quite a bit more attention than your dog.

me: I know.  Well, the sick dog was actually worse than kid -- created like 3 loads of laundry a day

M: It's done! Just relax. You will figure it out.

me: This is what happens when I decide to just leap and figure out the details later. lol!

M: I did not do any planning like this before getting pregnant with N.  It was, "lets have a baby."  "ok." Done.

me: lol

M: I didn't know anyone with kids, so there was no comparison.

me: At least babies aren't expensive early on.  I worry about money.  And multiples.

M: they are expensive if you let them be.

me: I have two boobs and cloth diapers. And lots of hand-me-downs.

M: But with your network of friends, I'm sure you'd get everything you need handed-down
  right. :-)
me: I pretty much have everything I need arleady.  I've been buying stuff over the years, used,
  and getting lots of free stuff.

M: You don't need anything except a car seat, clothes, and a carrier of some sort.

me: I could have one right now. I'd just need clothes.  I was gifted things like highchair, exersaucer, swing, etc. My friend is giving me a co-sleeper -- because of my apnea, i fall into the category of "should not co-sleep".  I have a breast pump.  I have a crib -- which I probably won't need, but who knows.  I have a lot of crap to store or sell.


M: It will be fine.

me: I hope so. I mean, it has to be, so i'm sure it will be.  Hopefully it won't be miserable.  I just got the bill for the last IUI.  I think that's part of the freak out.

M: Yeah, probably. Plus, it's normal to freak out about major life changes.

me: Yeah. One should really reserve the freak out for when one actually has a positive test.

M: True.

me: Can I use some of your words incognito on my blog if i feel so inclined?

M: Sure.


me:  i lvoe you and miss you.

M: i lvoe you too

me: lol.  Perhaps I should add "insane" to my short list of symptoms, which only involve exhaustion and frequently peeing.  I took a nap from 8pm to 845 last night. Then I ate dinner and went to bed at 930.  The two previous nights, i was in bed by 10. That's unheard of for me.

________________________________________ 39 minutes

me: and H's parents keep asking us why we want to ruin our lives. Well, that's what her dad says. Her mom says "are you sure you want to do that?"

M: they don't want to be grandparents?
me: It's weird, it's like it never even crossed their minds that they could be.  My mom is excited.  S is over the moon excited.

M: They assumed  having gay kids meant no grandkids? How 1990s.
me: HA!  LOL!  I'm guessing so.  And H never wanted kids, so I think they just never considered it would be possible.  They've never really said what the deal is.  Maybe it's that they really just have trouble with us having a kid and being gay?  But can't put their finger on it?  And verablize?

 M: maybe

 me: I really have no idea. It's weird to me.  But they totally love me... and seem to accept us just fine.  And almost seem sad that we're not getting married, they but call me their daughter in law
  so... 
  maybe it's just complicated for them...

 or maybe they really didn't like parenting...

 H was a really difficult kid --  un dx sensory processing disorder, I think.  She still has wicked sensory issues.  She didn't like changes in routine.  Screamed about wearing clothes.  Didn't like going on vacations because it deviated from routine.  They just thought she was a brat and   brought her to shrinks.  They really tried, but they never really got any useful help with how to deal with her.

M: yeah. Plus kids are annoying. :-)  Back before we knew about stuff like that.  N was kind of an annoying sensory kid - getting SOO much better as she gets older though. Still won't wear pants that zip or snap. or underwear with seams.

me: Oh, really?? I didn't know that.  H is STILL like that.

M: Yeah, totally. Remember how hard it was to get her to stop crying as an infant? Constant rocking/bouncing/loud white noise?

me: Yes, that i recall! Maybe she just hated feety pajamas!

M: Probably!

me: lol!  I'm afraid i'm going ot have a kid like that.  

M: It's easy to manage if you know! When we took N to the shrink last year, they said she probably had an immature nervous system.  Caused her to have some tics (wiping her nose, clearing her throat, etc.) stuff we thought was OCDish, but more likely overly sensitive nervous system - kind of related to anxiety.

me: How could you tell that those things weren't just allergies, but were actually tics?

 M: So she won't really wear anything without an elastic waist, anything that's not jersey knit. Hates mid-lenngth sleeves or leggings, and most shoes.

M: well, the doc thought they were things that started out as allergies, but then even when the symptoms went away she was left with tics because she still felt them.

So, more CNS issue, than tic issue.

 me: fascinating

M: A lot of that is developmentally normal for little kids.  3-4 year olds often have tics and sensory issues that they outgrow. It's only a problem when they don't outgrow it or they interfere with life. I think it's more common because they are exposed to so many more stimuli and our expectations for what little kids should be able to handle is generally too high.

me: I suppose that's true.

M: N's big problem is really this: immature nervous system + really smart = kid who understands way more than she can process physically/emotionally.  Oh, and the biological predisposition for anxiety.

me: right

M: You will be so much more prepared to have a kid with issues. :-)

me: or hopefully one without them.  I'm contributing some pretty shitty dna.  So, probably not likely.

M: You never know. so many possible combinations!

me: i've been reading this one blog for about 4 years.  Two moms.  Was ttc blog, but turned parenting blog.  Turned their kid just got dx'd with a super rare, literally ,1 in a million, form of leukemia.  I cannot even imagine the nightmare.  I was wrecked for a year after Jack (my dog) died.  Imagine a kid?  Ugh.

M: Well my friend, get ready - the worry and panic you will feel whenever your kid isn't perfectly healthy? Yeah, it's rough.  I will say that the one biggest change that I was not prepared for was the worry. Oh, and the guilt.  So, that's what I tell my preggo friends. Worry and guilt. Start practicing yoga.

me: LOL! Sounds like good advice.

M: People say the sleep deprivation, but I say the guilt.

me: I worry less about the sleep thing -- as long as H is able to help, she never sleeps.  But, we haven't quite solidified her role yet.  Me on the other hand... I need sleep. 8 strong hours.  I'm in deep doo doo.

 M: Nah, it works out

 me: damn squatter.
       Uterine squatter.  
      Alleged uterine squatter.

M: Ha. That's a good one. or parasite
me: Remora
  barnacle

Monday, September 17, 2012

Exhaustion

I have so many half finished blog entries waiting for you.  I keep falling asleep.  I have been beyond tired.

Last night, I went to bed at 10:30 and had difficulty waking at 7:00.  There is just no excuse for that. I didn't even have a particularly grueling weekend.

I made concord grape jam on Saturday - we got about 24 pints out of 48 cups of grapes which was pretty awesome.
Then, yesterday, we finally closed the pool.  We'd been avoiding it since it signals the ceremonial end of summer for me.  However, the electric bill we received on Friday lit a fire under our butts.  We haven't been in it in the last 3 weeks, so it was really time.  It wasn't difficult like I feared, but it was time consuming.  After that, we made dinner and I nearly fell asleep in my plate.  This fatigue is intense.

I started testing to see if the trigger shot is out of my system and it is.  So, now I wait.  Today marks 8dpo.  I have decided to pee only once per day, first morning urine only.  My beta is scheduled for Monday, but it should really be Sunday, so I need to call and fix that.  If I am lucky enough to get a positive beta, I can't screw up the timing for the 2nd beta because I simply won't be able to go that day or any day, until the following week.

Speaking of peeing, I'm peeing like crazy again this time around.  The difference, though, is that I don't have that extreme pressure feeling that I had during the last cycle.  Hopefully, this means that I do not have a cyst again.  No sore breasts this time either.  Just pure and utter exhaustion and frequently peeing are my only complaints.

I hope to wake up and catch up on those other entries.  I just wanted to let y'all know I'm still alive, if not awake.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Just Keep Swimming


Finding the Bloggy World A Little lonely

It took me so long to go from the blogging about getting ready to ttc phase, to the *actually* ttc phase, that all of the bloggy friends I had sort of disappeared.  Most of them are blogging less, since HAPPILY, they have babies and are just too busy.  I get lonely though.  Several of my favorite blogs have become completely inactive, though thankfully they remain available for reference on the internet.  And at least they said goodbye and left avenues for contact, but I miss their contributions.  It's sort of like growing up in a neighborhood for your whole life and having your best friend move away to Florida when you turn 12.

I've been struggling to find new blogs that I really enjoy.  I'm reading lots of new things, but none that I'm really connecting with.  You know how some summers the music on the radio is just so AMAZING and you have to run out and get the cds --ahem-- mp3's right away?  Then, other summers, the music is terrible and you find yourself wondering if there will ever be any good music on the radio again?  It's like that.

So, if you know of any great little blogs that I'm missing out on, please leave them in the comments!

On Going Rogue:



The IUI, went swimmingly.  (hee hee)

I had the same nurse that I had yesterday.  When I came in, she said, "I thought you were going to wait until they called?? You clown, you went all rogue!" Then she turned to H, "Is she always that stubborn and doing things her own way?"

H, "Pretty much."

Ha!

Anyway, I think the timing was great -- if I do say so, myself.


There was so much EWCM, that it had to be swabbed away before she could start the procedure.  Cervix was nice and open but HOLY MOTHER OF PEARL, was it uncomfortable this time.  I think I just get really sensitive from the meds.  They have to get really good visualization of the cervix in order to do the procedure, so they are IN THERE.  I just find that part so uncomfortable. This time though, the cramping was pretty intense, I actually kind of jumped a little on the table when she inserted the catheter. She must've bumped up against my uterus because it went in easily and I felt the contact up high.  I suppose that is good placement wise, but YOWCH.  Last time, it wasn't nearly as sharp feeling.

So, here we go skydiving off of the two week wait building, once again!

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Second Time Around -- 100th post!

CD12 blood work and ultrasound revealed two "beautiful follicles"  one at 16mm and one at 20mm.

Last cycle, I tried to get them to time the IUI a little later, but my doc really likes to do 12 hours if you're only doing 1 IUI.  So, I was chatting with the nurse today about this and how everything I've read says that best practices are typically based on using fresh specimens.  We chatted about how 36 hours seems like a more common window for frozen and that many think that frozen just doesn't live beyond 12 to 18 hours.  So, I asked if there was any specific reason why the trigger shot had to be taken at night.  I was like, "couldn't I just take the trigger shot earlier in the day so that it'd be closer to 24 hours when I come in?"  She said there was no reason why the trigger had to be taken at night, but basically it was just timed on when they are available to do the IUI's and which protocol is being followed.  For some reason, they don't do 24 hours?  I don't really understand why not. I think mostly it is because by the time they call you with your plan for the cycle, it'd be too late and you'd be past ovulation by the time they were back in the office.

So, I took in all of this information, consulted with my message board friends, and then I went rogue.  I didn't wait for the call for my plan.  I sent H to the fridge to get the shot and she stabbed me.  25 minutes later, the doctors office calls....

They say, "we want you to trigger tomorrow night and come in 36 hours later on Tuesday."   Commence internal freak out!  FUCK!!!   At this point, the blood in my arms went cold and I couldn't feel them anymore.  I calmly ask why the protocol is changing because previously when I've questioned the timing, I was told that this was the best option. The nurse puts me on hold and checks my plan from my doctor which clearly is different from the on-call doc doing the plans for the day.

When she comes back on the phone, she says, you're right. Your plan does indicate 12 hours post trigger.  So, let's have you trigger tomorrow nigth and come in for the IUI on Monday morning.  We can have the doctor on-call change your plan if you feel more comfortable with that.

I'm trying to think fast and do the math, that STILL won't work because that will be like 48 hours post trigger.  What am I going to do!?

So, I do the only thing possible... I have to own it.  I have to fess up.

"Well, I'm kind of freaking out right now to be honest.  I have to admit that I already took the trigger because I wasn't comfortable with the timing.  And when I tried to discuss it last month, no one really took it seriously.  So, I wanted to be closer to the 24 or 36 hours, so since my follicles were similar in size as last cycle, I decided to just trigger now."

"Oh, honey, we really need you to wait for the doctor's order next time around. I understand why you did it, but it's really important that you wait for the okay.  Hold on a minute and I'll talk to the doctor about getting you in for your best possible chances."

An eternity goes by (less than a minute) and she comes back on the line to let me know that she's going to call me back in a few minutes.

Sure enough, the phone rings, "Okay, this is the nurse A again from your RE's office.  Now, I just have to reiterate again the importance of waiting for the okay in the future.  Having said that, we'd like to get you in here tomorrow morning at 10:30 am for your IUI.  So, we'll see you tomorrow.  Good luck, honey."

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Sometimes It's Hard to Know When You'll Get to the Bridge to Cross It...


Lately, we've been struggling with whether or not we should put our older dog down.

He doesn't seem unhappy or in pain, but he can't walk.  It's been a slow decline.  Until about 3 or 4 weeks ago, he could walk, but needed help getting up.  He's never been an active dog, so he doesn't miss frolicking or fetching toys.  His favorite activities are eating and napping and these tasks remain wholly unaffected.  He eats with gusto!!

3 years ago, he was diagnosed with liver failure and we thought we'd lose him within a year.  Thousands of dollars in herbs later, he's still here and it appears that his body is failing in other ways, but not in any way that is catastrophic.

In the past, we've had animals that were clearly in distress and needed help crossing the rainbow bridge.  There was no question on what needed to be done.  However, Jimmy is sort of in this land of in between.  If our younger dog couldn't walk, this would definitely be a big deal and would affect his quality of life since he is incredibly active.

Then again, it's getting to the point that we are having difficulty keeping up with Jimmy's incontinence issues when we're not home.  Until recently, the poise pads were doing the trick, but Finn has decided they are a delicacy, so we've had to change strategies.  Now, Jimmy lays on a fleece placed atop of an absorbent pad.  We change him every 2 to 3 hours when we're home and are able to keep him dry, but during work hours it's difficult.  So far, he doesn't have a rash.

This has been such a slow decline that it's just become our new normal, but he takes up HOURS of care each day.  I'll continue to do it because it's not about me, but have I lost perspective on what is good for him?  Twice now, we've been convinced it was time only to have him rally and bounce back.

I don't want him to suffer, but part of me wishes something would **happen** so it would be clear as to what he needed.  Every night, I go to bed hoping when I wake up in the morning, I'll find that he's passed.

Our parents have asked when we're going to do it.  The thought of scheduling that ahead of time, is a lot like putting myself on death row.  I don't know how to deal with that.

There's a line from the Indigo Girls song "Oziline" where Amy sings, "I had to put the dog down, before I hit the road. Yeah, I watched that sweet ol' life, become a bag of bones" and that's kind of where he's at right now.  He's been wasting for awhile now.  He's just bones, no matter how much we feed him.  On top of all of this, we're actually supposed to see the Indigo Girls perform with a symphony this month.  It'll take us away from home for a couple of days.  We have someone to watch Finn, but James is just too much to put on someone else.  So, we may end up selling our tickets if we don't get up the gumption to do what probably should be done.  H's parents have offered to go with us or to take him.  I'm not sure how we'll hear Oziline in concert after that...

I think part of what his keeping us from doing it is that we've had a lot of loss in the last year.  We had our dog Jack drop dead in front of us -- he had no diagnosed illness and had no decline in health.  It was totally unexpected. He was running around excitedly and happy with a toy and literally fell over and died within 3 minutes.

After that, we had a cat with an intestinal tumor.  We lost her on the night before Hurricane Irene last summer.  She had diarrhea that could no longer be controlled with medication and began vomiting.  It was clear she was very miserable at that point.  It was a small blessing because we lost power for 6 days after Irene and I think we would have had to burn the house down.  Her illness was messy at the end.  She fought with H in the room, it's like she couldn't leave her person.  H had to step out because it was really difficult.  Once she did, Abby settled down and nestled into my arms and passed quietly.  It's like she just couldn't do that with H there.

Then, over the winter, we had to put our cat Denny down.  She started breathing funny and we took her to the vet and they thought that she likely had a tumor.  For some reason, I can't remember the details, but within one week she began having an exceptional difficulty breathing.  We had been counting her respirations and there was a swift decline.  She was very alert though -- her mind was still sharp as ever, but her body wasn't keeping up.  In order to make things a little easier, the vet gave her something to make her a little loopy to relax her. Something about the medication made her panic and she vomited and aspirated her vomit. She was choking!  The vet rushed into the room, to hurry and administer the shot, but her blood pressure was so low, they couldn't find a vessel.  When this happens, they need to inject it directly into their heart and this was also very difficult.  It was horrific to watch, the vet was also a mess afterwards.  She said she had NEVER seen this happen before and didn't really understand what happened.

James has always been a difficult patient.  In fact, he would have to be poled with the rabid dog pole and even then you couldn't examine him.  He had to be muzzled.  We're terrified that they will insist he be muzzled because of his history.  He's such a different dog now -- almost sweet even.  He was never a cuddly or particularly nice dog.  He liked us since we provided food for him.  He would tolerate being petted a few times, but mostly he was a loner.  He came to us from an abused home and it took a couple of years to really gain his trust.  Now, he finally trusts us implicitly and almost seems to enjoy being loved on.  Now we have to let him go?  UGH.  It sucks and I just don't know what to do.  Part of me just wants to kiss him good bye and have H's parents bring him because I think in my heart I know it's the right thing. I just cannot bring myself to do this again so soon.  I cannot see him be muzzled during his last moments.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Getting Into Trouble

How does your spouse/significant other feel about your blogging?  Are certain topics just off limits, no matter what?

What if your blog is anonymous?  Are the things you share still limited?  Or are you allowed to share freely since no one knows who you are?

My blog, I think, has only a handful of readers that I actually know in real life.  I can name all of them on two hands.  These people are people that I would share with openly and freely about anything that I put on my blog and then some.  However, I don't share my blog with most people that I know.  I use this as a space to vent, to talk about things that I may need feedback about, but that I don't necessarily want to share with everyone I know.  I don't link to my posts on Facebook and I don't talk openly about the fact that I blog.

In my mind, my blog is fairly anonymous.  My name is shared with probably about a million people out there since you can't really get any more generic than the name Jenny.  I don't list my exact location.  I generally just try to fly under the radar.  For a number of reasons, I choose to remain mostly anonymous-ish.  Partly because I don't want my employer and friends and family to know that I'm trying to conceive until I've achieved it.  I also don't want to have to feel that I need to censor myself too much.
Do you and your spouse/significant other have differing ideas of what is, and should be kept, private?  Have you gotten yourself into trouble for over sharing?

Some of the conversations that I've had recently, were conversations that I understood were private.  Under normal circumstances the content of these conversations would be kept between me and the other party.  However, due to the anonymous nature of my blog, I spoke about something that the other party found to be too private to share.  In my mind, since this was anonymous it wasn't as if I broke confidence.  I also didn't get into the meat of the conversation, but merely made reference to something that was said.  I was trying to process the conversation for my own purposes and honestly didn't really think twice about sharing what I did. 

Of course, I felt terrible that they felt uncomfortable about what I wrote, but at the same time I had a difficult time understanding what the harm was since I didn't identify the person.  Though, anyone who knows me IRL would know who it was, but again, the only people that have this blog IRL are people I would process with anyway.  Though, I would likely not get into deep detail -- nor did I get into detail on the blog either.  So, I did write with that in mind.

I totally get where this person is coming from now and I suppose a confidence, is a confidence, no matter the medium and no matter whether or not identity is revealed. I was viewing this through my own lens.  I did stop to think about the things I was saying before I posted, but I determined no harm, when no one knows who you are.  I should have thought from both perspectives before publishing that post.

Have you ever gotten into tricky territory with your posts and have you had some "'splainin' to do?"

Monday, September 3, 2012

Clomid Makes Me Clingy - NaBloPoMo

I think that the fact that Clomid makes me clingy is an anomaly.  Doesn't it make most people totally insane?  It also makes me sleepy. I get hot flashes too, but I'm most mystified by the unusual emotional response. It makes me want to snuggle and take naps.

This weekend has been quite busy, so I haven't had a chance to give you an update. I'm sure by now you've surmised that all of my testing went great on Thursday.  The cyst DID resolve and both ovaries were back to their normal dimensions.  My endometrial stripe was the smallest it's ever been at 3.3 -- but I have had previous history of it being "too thick".  The thicker lining was because I was not having "good bleeds" and consistent cycles.  So, now that I'm back to normal cycle wise, so too, is my lining or "stripe".  I have read some reports that clomid can cause the stripe to become too thin and can prevent implantation.  So, hopefully this will stay within normal ranges and not become problematic.

Yesterday, the weather was absolutely GORGEOUS.  After a lovely breakfast out, we decided to do some geocaching. I love geochacing -- it's such a wonderful way to explore like a tourist.  It brings you places you would have NEVER noticed otherwise.  Caches are everywhere, too.  So, no matter where you are -- you can always find a cache nearby. You don't even need a fancy GPS -- most smartphones have an app for that!  We're planning to do some caching while on vacation at the end of this month.

Here's a photo of just one of the spectacular views we saw yesterday.

Oh, and..... I am attempting to participate in NaBloPoMo for September -- eek!  It's open for participation until September 5th, so if you want to do it too, hurry and sign up!