Thursday, February 14, 2013

I'm a bad bloggah mama! (That's how we say it in Rhode Islandese)


I just realized that I have been sporadically blogging for 4 years.  On February 12, a milestone was reached!

Four years ago, it was difficult to imagine that I would EVER be HERE. Acutally trying. **Acutally** ovulating! At that time, I couldn't imagine ever living without kids.  Now, as I've gotten a bit older and a bit set in my ways, I'm thinking, "okay, if this doesn't work after these next 3 rounds, it might not be the end of the world." I think I had a little bit of this feeling during the last go 'round.

I guess you could say that this is the way more expensive, lesbian, version of, "Let's just see what happens."

I feel a little strange, while I do have a pee stick compulsion, I have never cried at a negative.  Even when I had what I think was a chemical pregnancy, I was still fine.  Granted, it was nice for those hours to imagine welcoming a baby into the world and thinking about all of the amazing things to come.

I was disappointed, but not crushed.  I feel like I should want it more.  Should I want it more?  I, clearly want a child on some level, based on the bullshit I've put myself through and the thousands of dollars that I've spent so far.  I don't know if I'm just so focused on/worried about all of the wasted money, that I can't even muster the emotional currency to spend on it.  I don't know.

I find that I am a bit in the minority on this.  Most of the people on my message board are just so crushed/disappointed, I wonder if maybe I want this at all?  It seems like my emotions are out of line with everyone else that is in the same boat.

Rambling... 

This sort of sounds like a sad post, but I'm not at all sad...


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