Thursday, February 14, 2013
I'm a bad bloggah mama! (That's how we say it in Rhode Islandese)
I just realized that I have been sporadically blogging for 4 years. On February 12, a milestone was reached!
Four years ago, it was difficult to imagine that I would EVER be HERE. Acutally trying. **Acutally** ovulating! At that time, I couldn't imagine ever living without kids. Now, as I've gotten a bit older and a bit set in my ways, I'm thinking, "okay, if this doesn't work after these next 3 rounds, it might not be the end of the world." I think I had a little bit of this feeling during the last go 'round.
I guess you could say that this is the way more expensive, lesbian, version of, "Let's just see what happens."
I feel a little strange, while I do have a pee stick compulsion, I have never cried at a negative. Even when I had what I think was a chemical pregnancy, I was still fine. Granted, it was nice for those hours to imagine welcoming a baby into the world and thinking about all of the amazing things to come.
I was disappointed, but not crushed. I feel like I should want it more. Should I want it more? I, clearly want a child on some level, based on the bullshit I've put myself through and the thousands of dollars that I've spent so far. I don't know if I'm just so focused on/worried about all of the wasted money, that I can't even muster the emotional currency to spend on it. I don't know.
I find that I am a bit in the minority on this. Most of the people on my message board are just so crushed/disappointed, I wonder if maybe I want this at all? It seems like my emotions are out of line with everyone else that is in the same boat.
This sort of sounds like a sad post, but I'm not at all sad...