Monday, August 12, 2013

Days Like Today

There are some days, like today, when this ttc process is so much more difficult than I ever expected.   It's not just the negative pregnancy tests that are difficult.  It's more than that.  There is the ever present financial aspect, the emotional impact from the fluctuating hormones, the physical effects of the hormones (bloating, sensitive breasts, even more sensitive abdomen/cervix/ovaries, zits, pins and needles in hands, etc.) and the stress of whether things are progressing as they should.

I'm finding it so difficult to adapt to any changes in plans.  I am utterly incapable of dealing with any sort of disappointment.  I am totally ill equipped to navigate difficult/confrontational situations.  Today, I just feel unreasonable.

I nearly had a melt down when trying to figure out my gonal-f dosing tonight.  The more overwhelmed I became, the more difficult it became to determine what the second injection should be.  H has been wonderfully patient and supportive and she certainly bears the brunt of my inability to cope with anything.

All of this frustration and worry leaves me feeling like I need to cry, but I can't.

I know it's the hormones because I'm doing this to get pregnant -- to have a baby.  And as this drags on, I have questioned why I am doing it at all.  Maybe I just don't need to have kids, what's the point?

Oh my god, what if it works?

What if it doesn't?

And I don't know the answer.

I feel like I should know exactly what I want at every turn.  This deliberate process of attempting to become pregnant feels like I am burdened with needing to know all of the answers and having no doubts about them.  I've thought on more than one occasion in the last 17 days of injections, "maybe I just don't need this baby".
During every cycle, I say that this is the last one.  Once xyz, is over, I'm not trying again.  It's a disease because of course as soon as I have funds again, the process resets and it's just rinse and repeat.

Over the weekend, my estradiol dropped again from 137 to 120, so they increased my dose to 225.  The follicles grew a little bit, but nothing fell within the "measurable/recordable" totals of 12mm or greater.  I had one 11.5mm and a couple of 10mm follicles hanging about.  Tomorrow morning, I go back for another u/s and more blood work.  Hopefully it will bring good news and plump follicles.


  1. Hormones and IF emotions and stress are such awful combinations. I hope this is the last time you ever have to go through this, that there will be no next time because you'll be too busy gestating your sweet little baby!

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