The Read Thread

The Kid is Alright But the Donor Passed Away by Marla Ruth Allisan - Resolve New England Newsletter

2011-08-03T14:43:00.005-04:00

I read this article last week in the Resolve of New England Quarterly Newsletter. It brought me to tears. I cannot imagine the frustration that this family must have felt. Making the choice of what type of donor you will use, bank vs. known donor, vs. bank willing-to-be-known donor, is a huge one, to say the least. To have made the choice that this family did to use a willing to be known donor, and then only to have just a moment's brush with the donor, is just so sad to me. This is not something that I had ever thought of before, it likely doesn't happen often, but it does happen.

If you're having trouble viewing the .pdf within the blog, you can download load the article by clicking here.

While I was looking for the above article via the magic of Google, I came across another post: http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/parenting/parenting-facts-and-arguments/my-daughters-sperm-donor-died/article1705132/

There are so many reasons to choose sperm from a bank:

All donors are carefully screened for std's
Assurance that you don't have to wait for termination of donor's parental rights
Certain genetic disorders can be ruled out since many banks routinely test for these things
Ability to obtain the sample without the awkwardness of the in-person transfer
You have only your feelings and the feelings of your partner (if applicable) to consider, not the donor's or the donor's partner/family
You don't have to worry about the donor getting cold feet
I'm sure there are a million other things I've not thought of (actually, what are your other reasons?)

While a known donor, that is present in your life, may also die, you have the unique ability to form a relationship as the child grows. In the case of choosing a willing-to-be-known donor, you must wait, in most cases, until the child has turned 18. The concept of open donation through a bank is actually a wonderful concept, that I do hope will catch on at some point. I think more people would choose a donor known to them if there was the added security of having the bank as a 3rd party that handles all of the legal stuffs.

On the heels of last evening's chat with my Maybe Baby Donor, I received today, the results of my Cystic Fibrosis Carrier Test and my Tay-Sachs enzyme test. Both are negative, so hooray for that. At least now, I know I won't need to worry about getting future donors tested should the need arise. Honestly, this news did not do much to boost how I'm feeling today. It seems absurd to be so disappointed about this, but I am. I'm very pleased with the results, but I would've been over the moon under better circumstances. It's a bummer that I finally get to this point where I'm just about ready to start with insems, only to have, what I thought, was nearly a sure thing -- just fall apart. Okay, it hasn't totally fallen apart, but that nearly-sure-thing part has.

Last night, I came home and instead of crying, which is what I really felt I wanted to do, I blasted some music and danced my ass off. It was more dancing out of desperation to find that TRUST in the Universe that I keep talking about. Today, I've been thinking a lot about the distinction between Joy and Happiness. They aren't the same thing. I certainly don't feel happy today, but I recognize the presence of Joy and I'm letting her in. This is the wonderful thing about feelings, you can layer them on and experience them, and together, like friends, they get you through the tough times; for without Joy and Hope there would only be despair and sadness.

Donor Drama- Second Thoughts

2011-08-03T00:46:00.000-04:00

As I will soon approach the time for the first insem, I decided to do a check in with my donor to be sure that everyone was on the same page. I wanted to be sure that his partner was still on board and that they have had a good conversation about this, and about how she might feel if I got pregnant, etc. Baby Donor agreed that this was a good idea, and we talked for the first time about some of the logistics of obtaining the sample, etc, in serious terms. We've brushed over much of this before over the last 18 or so months since we began discussing this, but it was never entirely in a serious tone. I mean, really, when you're talking about someone whacking off into a cup, you can only be so mature. Well, at least I have limits. Humor is what makes a very heavy, serious, topic a little lighter, and a little easier to discuss. He always jokes about how I can only have the sample if it is transferred the ol' fashioned way, etc.

The fact is, what makes him a desirable and perfect candidate, is the very thing that also makes him a liability and a this-isn't-going-to-work kind of donor. He has a huge heart. He's caring, and thoughtful and smart. So, here is what transpired:

Me: So... I know you're super busy. I just need to know if I should seek an alternative solution to my um... needs. :-) You don't need to explain your decision; I just need to know either way. I will not be upset, or hurt, or have any negative feelings.

3:41:14 PM: Baby Donor: I know you wouldn’t ... you’re too cool for that ...

3:41:48 PM: Baby Donor: I have to be honest though, J... I am starting to have concerns... That I never considered before....

3:42:04 PM: Me: Totally understood.

3:42:14 PM: Baby Donor: so daughter is 14

3:42:14 PM: Me: It's better to fully think it out now...

3:42:30 PM: Baby Donor: yeah ... and I never even thought twice about it .. until this past week

3:42:41 PM: Baby Donor: meaning , I never thought I would be concerned

3:42:51 PM: Baby Donor: ok so daughter is 14

3:43:06 PM: Baby Donor: and is the only thing tying me to this state....

3:44:04 PM: Baby Donor: am I the type of person that could do this ... and have no attachment / connection etc... I don’t think I am ...

4:09:12 PM: Baby Donor: so I started to think long and hard about it ... and I know what you are looking for.... I don’t think I can do it, there is no way I could walk away or not be involved in some sort of way ... It really wouldn’t be fair to you, me , daughter , or partner ... as soon as daughter hits college we are moving back south

4:09:46 PM: Baby Donor: I am so sorry.

4:10:18 PM: Baby Donor: not saying its 100% final ... and we can talk more ... but don’t want you to miss other opportunities /avenues

4:10:25 PM: Me: i totally understand

4:10:38 PM: Me: Well, I've been advised to never stipulate what the relationship will be once the child is born.

Ideally, in my world where everything is perfect and blissful, I envision something like the role of an uncle. However, I have no desire to try to co-parent with someone that is not my partner. This sounds cold, but otherwise, things get much too complicated.

Obviously, being advised not to stipulate a relationship has to do with intent and severing of parental rights.

So, I never pictured that you'd be in the day to day picture, but I did imagine that you would be present in some capacity and hopefully in an important way. If you were to move out of state, hopefully the relationship would allow for it to evolve into something that could work. One of the main points of my wanting a known donor was so that this would be a possibility, but it is something that I cannot promise. Though, it is something that I do hope would eventually be comfortable for everyone.

Part of what makes you so wonderful and why I asked you, is your thoughtful and kind nature, but it's also the same part of you that makes you doubt your ability to have no connection/attachment. I'm not really asking for no connection or attachment, I just don't want to share parenting with you or day to day decision making about the child with you.

My heart is open to the possibility to include you/daughter/partner/ in whatever capacity seems comfortable to everyone. Like an extended family, but not like parents.

4:12:46 PM: Me: the severing of parental rights is a legality that is necessary for both of our protection, yours for financial protection so that i would never have any legal grounds for child support

4:20:10 PM: Me: I've always felt that if I was adopted or a child from a donor, that I would have a strong desire to know my roots. I know biology is only part of the picture, but any child of mine I believe would want to know. It's important for me to have that door open. I know a couple of people that have wonderful relationships and have built wonderful extended families with their donors. In my heart of hearts, I hope that's what would happen. (But these same people also stressed the importance of not putting that in the contract.)

4:20:45 PM: Me: I'm happy to let you continue to think on it. I'll continue to keep my options open and we can revisit again when it looks like I'll be ready to try.

4:21:37 PM: Me: My cycle is all bizarre right now since the hemorrhage and I have some medical-ish things that need to happen first anyway. so, my initial schedule has been pushed back. And honestly, I'm so touched an honored that you even considered it to begin with.

Baby Donor: J , ty for being so understanding... and Like I said .. its not a "NO" ...lets keep discussing and thinking etc... so that when we/you are closer we can figure it out

4:51:11 PM: Baby Donor: I just wanted me some J...

4:51:13 PM: Baby Donor: lol

4:51:14 PM: Baby Donor: :-)

4:51:15 PM: Me: I think that sounds like a lovely plan.

4:51:17 PM: Me: lol

4:51:43 PM: Baby Donor: totally teasing .. and please don’t think i am brushing you off ... etc.. definitley not the case .. work stinks fro me now

4:51:44 PM: Me: This is not your everyday situation, it requires lots of dialogue

4:51:48 PM: Baby Donor: amen

4:51:52 PM: Me: and humor

4:52:50 PM: Me: And as I said before, it's best to discuss these things now rather than later. I mean, we can only do so much preparing, but it's good to talk through them in the abstract as preparation, vs. trying to navigate it blind, later.

4:53:34 PM: Me: And I never for once felt as though you were brushing me off, you're a thoughtful person, it never even crossed my mind.

4:53:48 PM: Me: And I value, so much, that you can be honest. It's the only way this would ever even work.

4:54:12 PM: Baby Donor: agreed... and ty

4:55:03 PM: Me: Thank YOU.

After this conversation, I felt deflated and yet glad to know that he has put real thought into this. I also realized that I was way more attached to having him as the donor than I realized. While I would rather know these things now, before there is a baby to consider, part of me is truly crushed. I understand and respect his position, but I am also saddened by it. I'm buoyed by the thought that he is still open to the idea, and still processing things. But I'm crushed to think that I'm back at square 1. For so many reasons. It's difficult to pick a donor, there is much to be considered.

What kind of person are they?
What's their sexual history?
How many partners have they had?
How many serious relationships?
What's their current partner's sexual history?
What is their medical background?
Will they be willing to get testing done -- both for STD's but also DNA tests for genetic diseases?
Are they fertile?
Would they be willing to submit to a sperm test?
Are they willing to terminite parental rights?
Do you see this person as someone with whom you can speak openly and honestly?
Is this someone that you can trust ?
Is this someone you would like to see in your extended family?

There is a lot to go through before you get to that first insem.

I went to see a psychic a couple of weekends ago. She told me to trust in the Universe. I'm trying, I'm REALLY TRYING, but there is so much riding on this. I really, really, really, want to work with this donor. Maybe all of this is because Mecury is in retrograde... I should never have addressed this now... or at least that's what the astrologers say....

How did you decide on which donor to use? What was your process? I'm curious -- for both known and unknown donors, how did you go about making your donor selection? I've looked into some banks, but it feels strange to me. It feels like I'm picking my baby out of a catalog. It feels a little bit like shopping for a shed-- with little more to go on other than features and maybe a photo or two, it ends up feeling so shallow. The essays and voice clips just don't seem to be enough for me. And then I get hung up on whether or not I'd even want to be friends with this person, never mind put their sperm inside of me.

And then... there is the issue of cost. I cannot afford sperm bank sperm. I simply cannot... and I still really would like to use a known donor. I want my child to have the opportunity to know its roots intimately if he or she desires. A sperm bank just doesn't provide for that opportunity.

The Joy Up - Adding SPARKLE to your life

2011-07-31T18:27:00.000-04:00

The Joy Up starts tomorrow, this is something we could participate in together, will you join me?

I hoping to learn how to TRUST in the universe, see joy in everything, and to live in the moment. I'm having some donor drama -- in the form of silence that is killing me. These next 10 days I hope will lead me to clarity, honesty with myself, and JOY IN EVERYTHING. You know you want to...

As for the donor drama, I'm waiting to hear the results of the last conversation he is to have with his partner on whether or not we are going to move forward from here. He's been super busy, so I understand, but he probably has no idea that the waiting is DRIVING ME CRAZY. If the answer is no, I'm okay with that. This in between is maddening. Where is my joy? JOY NOW. :-)

In the meantime, I wait for DNA results for Tay-Sachs and Cystic Fibrosis -- results should come this week. Fingers crossed please!

Herbal Mishap (I think.)

2011-07-26T13:32:00.000-04:00

This cycle, I decided that I was REALLY going to faithfully take the Vitex that I purchased a couple of months ago. So, I started on CD1 taking the recommended dosage on the bottle.

I started taking the Vitex because I have read in approximatley one trillion nine hundred ninety seven thousand places that it can aid in lengthening the luteal phase. It is also supposed to be great for regulating hormones in general. Since getting my cycle and ovulation back, my luteal phase has been a few days too short according to what everyone says it should be. Since I'm hoping to start inseming in the next month or two, I wanted to be sure that it would be long enough to support a pregnancy.

My period was unremarkable -- it's still tending to run a bit long, but it finished at CD9. Around CD5, I started getting REALLY sore breasts and I was STARVING and CRAVING salt and chocolate. I found this a bit puzzling since I usually get these symptoms with PMS. Though, since my cycle resumed these symptoms weren't really that prevalent. I didn't think much of it I assumed the vitex was just doing it's thing.

Suddenly, on the evening of CD12 - Friday July 2, I started bleeding again. But this time it was HEAVY. I mean really heavy. And it just kept getting worse. On Sunday morning, I was bleeding through a super+ tampon an hour. This is the point at which things are not safe if they continue. So, I called my doctor and they wanted to put me on progesterone to stop the bleeding. By this point, I decided to stop taking the Vitex in case that was the cause. I bargained with the doctor and agreed to pick up the progesterone, but not take it yet. She said that was fine providing that I was not, weak, light headed, having chest pains, or nausea. If any of that happened I was to get thee to the ER at Women & Infants immediately.

So, I picked up the Rx and then drove to the health food store to try to get some natural progesterone cream. I figured this would be a bit more gentle than a pill form progesterone. As you know, I am not a fan of chemically altering my body, but I am also not a fan of bleeding to death. So, I applied A TON of cream to shock my body into stopping the bleeding. It lessened, but only marginally. A woman at the health food store recommended that I try to source some Shepherd's Purse. It is excellent in stopping bleeding, particularly bleeding of the uterus. Unfortunately, they were out. I searched high and low (meaning I stayed home and waddled to the toilet every 45 minutes, while Holly toured the state's Whole Paycheck locations looking for a tincture and speaking with strange men about my excessive bleeding and blood clots. As you can imagine, I was VERY popular.) but could not find any. A desperate post was made to facebook to see if any of my birthy friends had any.

I then decided to call my acupuncturist. We've become friendly over the years and I thought just MAYBE she might have something magical to make it stop. I went to her house (because she is awesome) and she gave me a treatment and some very foul smelling pills. Again, the bleeding lessened some where I was able to get through every 1.5 hours or so, but it was still really heavy and showing no signs of stopping. I was thinking in terms of avoiding the ER, so I was pleased with that bit of progress. Still, this couldn't continue.

By Monday, July 4, my desperate pleas for Shepherd's Purse were answered. I had two friends recommend the same woman! The best part, she has an apothecary in her house and she was willing to see me on the 4th of July!

Apparently Sheperd's Purse is in the mustard family... and the tincture kind of smells mustardy, but doesn't taste like it. I don't know what it tastes like, but it doesn't taste nearly as terrible as it smells. And if you put it in a flavored water of some sort, you won't even notice it.

After two doses of Sheperd's Purse, the bleeding lessened significantly and within two days it ceased altogether. Tuesday, I went to the doctor and she sent me for an ultrasound and a whole bunch of blood work. Everything came back normal again, (woo hoo!) but with the history of strange bleeding that I've had and messy cycles, she thought it made sense to an endometrial biopsy. She wasn't overly concerned, but it was a last ditch rule out sort of thing just to be sure.

I will say this about the endometrial biopsy, it wasn't terrible. Mostly I felt a lot of pressure on my cervix as the pipelle was inserted. I just did a lot of slow, even deep rhythmic breathing (ocean breathing from yoga) and let my body be as loose and limp as possible. Basically, I gave myself the same advice I give to my birthing clients. Release all tension and just try to relax. It worked pretty well until I stopped focusing because I wasn't feeling any discomfort. I recommend just staying focused. Once the pipelle is in, there is a bit of cramping. I can't liken it to menstrual cramping, because, well, I NEVER get cramps. So, this was new a sensation for me. I could feel the movement of the pipelle as it was moved around, and I feel like maybe there cramps coincided with the pipelle touching the inside of my uterus. The whole thing was very quick, I felt momentarily light headed at the end as she was pulling it out, but other than that I was totally fine. There was a small bit of spotting (this was done 2 days after my bleeding had stopped), and maybe a fullness feeling in my uterus for an hour or so. I never required any ibuprofen or anything before or afterward. So, if you're reading this because you've googled Endometrial Biopsy, try not to worry. Some people have likened this to the insertion of an IUD, but again, I have not had that experience either. While, I'm not ready to sign up to have another biopsy anytime soon, it was relatively simple and just mildly uncomfortable. I do think that if you don't relax or you tense your belly/vagina against the pipelle that it would be much more uncomfortable, so do try to stay relaxed as possible.

It took about 2 weeks (13 long, agonizing days) for the results. Thankfully, they were negative for cancer! I was diagnosed with disordered prolific endometrial hyperplasia (simple). There are several different types of hyperplasia, this one is NOT pre-cancerous. This is caused by an imbalance of estrogen/progesterone. Basically, because of the long history that I've had with anovulatory cycles, there was no progesterone cycling through my system to "oppose" the estrogen. This causes the endometrium to continue to grow. Mine situation seems to be improving because last summer, my endometrial lining on ultrasound was 8.6mm, but the most recent measurement shows 6mm. If there is not enough progesterone in your system, your uterus doesn't get a signal to bleed and "clean out the shop". So, I was bleeding some because there was SOME progesterone, but not enough to really clean house. I think the vitex signaled a good bleed and I'm toying with the idea of taking it again. Though, I'm a bit afraid -- at least I have Sheperd's Purse on hand. I'm going to wait and see what happens with this cycle. I got a positive OPK, but missed my most crucial follow up test on my ovacue monitor because I was at a birth. So, I was not able to confirm if ovulation occurred. At this point, I'm waiting to bleed and then monitor the next cycle really closely. There are some vague signs (mostly zits) that indicate I may be headed in that direction. Also, weepy. So, something is going on, but who knows what. What ISN'T going on is prolonged spotting. Since the bleeding stopped there hasn't even been a peep about any more in between period bleeding, so this is good.

Next up, a trip to the Reproductive Endocrinologist. This ought to be interesting...

Genetic Testing

2011-06-22T23:50:00.000-04:00

Lately, I've been thinking a lot out Cystic Fibrosis. We recently just participated in the Great Strides walk for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. I walk every year because my 1st cousin A has Cystic Fibrosis. Recently, he has been taking the necessary steps to become eligible for the lung transplant list. He's in the last round of testing and such and he'll be placed on the list soon.

My ex-husband's daughter also has CF.

My friend high school friend, Linda, also had CF. She passed away a few years ago -- we'd lost touch, but I heard of her passing through mutal friends.

So, I've been struggling with whether or not I want to get tested to see if I am a carrier for the CF gene. The test is not covered by my insurance company, unless, of course, I were already pregnant. In that case, the test would be covered. (Isn't that a real kick in the panties?)

My cost would be $595.00 out of pocket. This test would only look for the 23 most common CF mutations. There are over 1000 CF mutations, so even if I tested negative for the 23 most common ones, I could, still, potentially be a carrier of one of the other 975+ mutations.

If the test comes back positive, I will then need to pay to have my donor tested for another $595.00. I realize that this is equivalent to roughly 2 vials of sperm and that, overall, this is small potatoes in the land of fertility costs. But part of me doesn't want to know.

My dad's side of the family has 2 people with Cystic Fibrosis. One is a very distant cousin, and the other is my first cousin. A is the son of my dad's sister. My dad is one of three children. None of his other siblings have had children with Cystic Fibrosis. And further to that, my cousin with CF has a brother and none of his 3 children have CF either. However, because of my family history, I would be slightly more likely to be a carrier than the average white Caucasian who has a 1 in 29 chance of being a carrier. The gene appears to come from my paternal grandmother's side of the family. She had 12 (TWELVE!!!) brothers and sisters and they all went on to have more than one child. Yes, yes, I am from a Catholic, French Canadian, family. (And they love me and my lesbian self no matter what, too!)

It's not really about the money. I mean, it is a little because I really just don't have extra cash lying about. I could use my FSA to cover my test, but I don't think it could be used to cover my donor's test. The issue is that if I test positive, I will then feel compelled to have him tested. I don't want to lose this donor. If he and I were both carriers of the CF gene, the child would have a 1 in 4 chance of having Cystic Fibrosis. I'm not sure how much more likely I am to be a carrier for the CF gene given my history. He is a white Caucasian, but he is not of French Canadian descent and he has no familial history of CF on either side, so he is less likely to a carrier than me.

I'm scared. I am so comfortable with my donor. I trust implicitly that he would stick to the terms of our agreement. I trust that he will be thoughtful and respectful in all of the ways that made me want to choose him in the first place.

Generally, I am an overly cautious person. So, this resistance to have this test done is actually surprising to me. I'm not a gambler. However, the odds appear to be in my favor. If you scroll down to the bottom of this page, you will find a chart detailing, statistically speaking, my odds of having a child with CF or not based on a number of different variables.

My donor currently has a daughter, she does not have CF.

It should be noted that in order for a child to have CF, BOTH parents, or in this case my genes and the donors, would need to contribute one defective gene each.

In a nutshell, if I were married to my donor, would we get tested? Would it matter? Would we even think about it? Would we just have children? I have the unique opportunity to test for this because I theoretically could find another option since I am not emotionally attached to my donor. Except that I am, just not in the marrying kind of way. I've been chewing on this one for awhile now and I'm still not sure of what I'm going to do.

What would you do?

12 Months Sweetened and Condensed

2011-06-04T00:52:00.000-04:00

June 2010:

I attended a DONA International seminar where I trained to become a birth doula. It was the begining journey of finding where I feel most at home.

July 2010:

Attended a National Organization for Marriage Protest (NoM) July 18th where this happened:

http://www.prop8trialtracker.com/2010/07/18/nom-tour-tracker-todays-providence-event-became-a-shouting-match/

http://newsblog.projo.com/2010/07/demonstrators-clash-over-same-.html

http://www.marriagetour2010.com/2010/07/gay-activists-embarrass-themselves-in-providence/

and then they lied about it! They were NOISE makers!

http://www.marriagetour2010.com/2010/07/%E2%80%9Cwe-brought-children-they-brought-rocks%E2%80%9D%E2%80%94one-mother%E2%80%99s-account-of-the-providence-rally/

August 2010:

omg! I saw Debbie Gibson in Cirque Du Soleil!!!!!!!!! She smiled and WINKED AT ME!

We started looking at houses on the single hottest day of the entire year, I'm pretty sure. It was miserable!

September 2010:

I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease after having suffered from a painful "fatty liver" with very elevated liver enzymes, and a strange rash all over my body. Funny, this conincided with me finding a delicious rice blend that included black barley.... and I proceeded to eat it every day with dinner. Needless to say, I sadly threw out the rice blend... and it's delish little poison barley bits.

As part of the diagnosis to find out what was going on with my liver, I had 2 ultrasounds. While they were at it, I asked them to check out my ovaries.

After 19 months of acupuncture and herbs (and no f'ing birth control pills!!!) I received my first NORMAL ultrasound in over 10 years! My ovaries no longer appeared cystic and enlarged! They were NORMAL! My cycle was still a bit odd (now I was bleeding all of the time instead of never), but things were improving! And I had scientific PROOF!

Ladies, if you have been diagnosed with Lactose Intolerance, IBS, GERD, or have had strange symptoms like face flushing and burning, heartburn, diarrhea, and problems with your cycle. For GOD'S SAKE GIVE UP WHEAT, RYE, AND BARLEY. Just go gluten free! Do it! I'm telling you... It was the final puzzle piece in a long line of changes that I made. Wait till you see what happens in April 2011!

October 2010:

1st two births in the same week! To say that this experience was transformative would be a huge understatement. 7 births later and I still struggle to put into words what it is like to experience birth. I'm not sure that it can be done, but I'll keep trying. I have never been more sure that this is what I was born to do.

Gave up on house hunting for now -- results in our price range were too bleak. we decided we would lazily look at listings from now until January. At that time, we would again begin reviewing listings with renewed exuberance.

November 2010:

Not much to report.

December 2010:

Not much to report.

January 2011:

Started looking at houses again... nothing fabulous.

February 2011:

On the 26th of February, we went to look at the most ADORABLE and affordable house ever. We thought it was too good to be true. We love, love, love, LOVED IT. 3 bedroom, 1.5 bathroom, 1270 square foot cape with a partial dormer in the front. Partially finished basement (FOR MY NEW OFFICE!!!), oversized one car garage attached with screened porch/breezeway, gas fireplace (we want to convert back to wood!), fish pond, swimming pool, FABULOUS WOODEN swingset with tree house, shed, large nearly 10,000 sq. ft. yard, adorable neighborhood, hardwood floors. It was literally EVERYTHING we wanted, but it was a short sale. We decided to take a day to think about it. It would need mainly cosmetic work done -- paiting and floor refinishing in order for us to move in. The tile in the shower absolutely needs work before we can move in. This all seemed very doable.

March 2011:

On March 1, my mini schnauzer Jackson died in my arms very unexpectedly. He was not sick. He was running around fetching a toy and in 3 minutes he was dead. I will post separately about this later. It was honestly, the worst day of my life. Without question. And I have been through some very tough shit in my life.

Snapped back to real world on March the 3rd -- we went to see the house again and decided to make an official Purchase & Sale Agreement. The original offer that was on the table would need to be formally rejected before our offer could be considered. Our realtor set the agreement to expire on May 5th.

It was very difficult to go from being so sad and upside down, to having ot make a huge decision, but time was of the essence.

2 days later, we found out another offer came in just after ours did and the original offer still had not been rejected by the bank. So, they hadn't even seen our offer yet.

April 2011:

Our realtor begins encouraging us to keep our options open. We've been looking at listings, but really nothing grabs us.

We spend an entire weekend doing house drive-bys. Out of 25 listings, we come away with 5 that we are only mediocre on. I refuse to move anywhere else but the house we already put the offer on. :-)

I bought an Ovacue Monitor in March -- and holy shit I am ovulating!!!!!!!!! The Easter Bunny was not the ONLY one with eggs this year!! :-)

May 2011:

Our agreement expires. Realtor reminds us again to keep looking. And then 4 days later, he calls and says that there is FINALLY movement! The original offer is being rejected and our offer would be presented along with another one. We decide to up our offer by a little bit to be SURE our offer is the one that is selected.

We renew our offer and expect it to take weeks before we hear anythign again. 4 hours later, the realtor calls to tell us that we just bought a house! CRAZY! But YAY!

I ovulated again!!!! My luteal phase is still too short, but I'm OVULATING!!!!

June 2011:

Sealing up house buying requirements and PACKING. Closing date is tentative for July 1, but the bank has indicated repeatedly that it will likely be the last week in June! EEP!

I am just starting to get into my fertile window according to my ovacue monitor. Last month, my first ovulation attempt failed, but the second was successful. I'm hoping that this month, it'll work the first time my body tries. I am also hoping for a longer luteal phase. With all of the excitement and stress going on, I'm expecting a very wonky cycle.

Shouting out to: A Womb of My Own

2011-06-03T12:02:00.000-04:00

I miss you and I have no other way of contacting you. :-(

I hope all is well (and if you wanted to add me, I'd be oh so grateful!)

To everyone else, I've been working on a recap of the last year (sorry!) and hope to begin blogging with gusto again real soon!

Team Linus

2011-03-20T02:32:00.001-04:00

I just died a little.

2010-05-10T16:40:00.001-04:00

I am so going to this. SO GOING.

Debbie Gibson is my childhood idol.

Hip Hip Hooray!

2010-04-18T21:59:00.003-04:00

Okay. Ready?

A miracle has occurred. I am bleeding! It is almost exactly one year since I began twice weekly acupuncture treatments. 14 months of Chinese herb therapy and I FINALLY am bleeding. I realize it's a bit odd to be this happy, but I was starting to wonder if I was throwing my money away.

This is the first cycle that I have had in over 10 years that has not been aided by progesterone or birth control pills. I am having my own tiny personal miracle. I am stunned.

I am stunned because I've gotten lazy. I've gained weight. I've stopped temping. I've stopped peeing on sticks. I was discouraged. I need to pick myself up by my panty liner wings and start again. I have no idea if this was an ovulatory cycle or not.

Great Strides Walk for Cystic Fibrosis

2010-03-17T23:25:00.006-04:00

It's that time of year again y'all.

There are approximately 40,000 people in the United States with Cystic Fibrosis. In my life, I have known 3. My high school friend Linda died from complications of Cystic Fibrosis. My cousin Aaron will celebrate his 34th Birthday this July -- he is recovering from a very serious viral infection that nearly compromised his lung function to the point where they thought he would not fully recover. Fortunately, he is, once again, proving them wrong. Lastly, I am walking for 4 year old Maddie. Maddie is my ex-husband's daughter. She and her sister are a huge part of my life.

I will do this walk for all of them. Even if you can only afford to donate $1.00, that's $1.00 closer to a cure. One dollar closer to new medications.

http://www.cff.org/great_strides/dsp_donationPage.cfm?registeringwalkid=6332&idUser=294255

A note from Maddie's mom, Sandy:

" This has been a VERY big year for the CF Foundation. They have released the findings of two drugs in clinical trials that are the closest thing to a "cure" yet. One drug is in Phase 3 and ready to go to the FDA in the near future. This drug, unfortunately, does not address either of Maddie's gene mutations. However, the 2nd drug, VX-809, is a drug that would work to repair one of Maddie's two faulty genes. This drug is in Phase 2 clinical trials and it is now our job to raise as much money as we can to help bring this drug to Maddie and the thousands of others with her mutation!

Maddie has had a great year! She loves her first year of preschool and her specialists tell us that she is the healthiest CF patient in RI! She does do alot everyday to stay this healthy (chest physical therapy, nebulizer treatments, lots of meds and vitamins, and lots of exercising and Dr. appointments, not to mention dodging all the germs out there right now!). We can't wait for the day when she can get the drugs she needs to eliminate some of this for her, not to mention to eliminate our fears and concerns for her future. We're hoping that you will help us again this year to really make a difference in the future of this disease! We would love to have you join us to walk on Saturday, May 8th at 8:30 am at Roger Williams Park, Providence. This is a 5K walk, takes about an hour, and it is followed by lots of free food and entertainment. This year (for those of you with kids) the Toe Jam Puppet band has generously agreed to perform! It is going to be SO much fun! I can't stress enough how much we TRULY appreciate ALL the amazing support we have received over the last two years. Maddie's diagnosis has been, and will continue to be, a very hard thing to deal with. BUT... the support we have received has honestly made it SO much easier! To have people walk with us last year that we've never met or hadn't seen in 15 years, to have 50 people out there walking in the pouring rain (No worries for this year...I've already put in my request for SUNSHINE!), it REALLY did make a HUGE impact on how Maddie views this disease and how we as a family deal with it! Thank you for anything you can do to help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We're looking forward to having even more friends and family walk with us this year and help us beat last year's total to raise $5000 this year!!!!""

Why is no one talking about the Prop 8 Trial??

2010-01-16T11:24:00.003-05:00

Since, they aren't allowing the Prop8 trial to be televised or posted on Youtube you can follow it here:

http://prop8trialtracker.com/

or follow this guy here: http://twitter.com/FedcourtJunkie

Get the word out y'all. This should not be swept under the carpet.

Plea for Chicken Soup Recipe

2010-01-02T13:15:00.003-05:00

I need your help. I love chicken soup. But only certain kinds of chicken soup. I don't really like a lot of veggies in my soup, just onion, celery, and carrots if I must. I don't like dark meat chicken, but I like my white meat to be moist in my soup.

There are two local restaurants that make yummy chicken soup. One uses egg noodles, and the other uses ancini di pepe (thie little tiny pasta balls). I don't even mind escarole. My problem, is that when I make soup it comes out thick. YUCK. I think I'm putting too much pasta? Also, the broth should be thin (And clearish.)... not thick like you get at Panera. They have gross chicken soup (in my opinion).

Please help me make good soup! I vow to make every soup recipe that is provided to me and to declare a winner. I will keep making soups until I find the perfect one. Help me internets. Help ME!

I should disclose that I am partial to soups that use little pasta balls.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2009-11-27T01:14:00.001-05:00

Mind Body Connection

2009-11-23T22:48:00.003-05:00

Friday, I was fighting an anxiety attack pretty much all day. As the day wore on, I was finding it more and more difficult to keep on top of it and catch my breath. I came home and went to bed early with the hope that I would wake up feeling better.

Saturday morning, I woke up feeling like poopie shit and really sad. I don't have anything terrible or stressful going on. So, I couldn't sort out why I was feeling like this. I'm a little stressed about money (usual), but basically I just felt like I hated everything. I missed my dad, I missed my Pepere, I missed the dog, everything sucked, and I hated everything.

I get to acupuncture and I tell Keri that I think I need the "ear needles" today. She does these whenever I tell her I'm anxious or sad. She also added a few other ones... in my arms I think. As she's working, she tells me that she could tell as soon as I walked in that something wasn't right. She may have even described it as an energy field or an aura, but I can't remember. It was something to that effect.

So, I'm sitting there feeling crabby. About 10 minutes goes by, and I get that burning feeling in the back of my throat and my eyes just start pouring tears. Very much without my permission, I am a crying mess in the middle of the treatment room. There's a cute old man playing with his phone -- thankfully he doesn't appear to notice that I'm crying. I cried for an hour just sitting there. Keri comes to check on me and I say, "What have you done to me?!?!"

So, she says, "sometimes you just have to let the cry out to feel better." Then she proceeded to sing part of this song to me:

She tells me that sometimes the needles just help to bring these things to the surface so that we can let them go. It was one of the strangest things that has ever happened to me. She also sent me home with a bottle of "hysterical woman" herbs. The last 3 days, I have felt better than I have in a long time. I don't know if it was the needles, the crying, or the pills, and dammit! I don't care!

I proceeded to cry all the way home. When I was finally able to pull myself together, I had been crying for an hour and a half! I almost NEVER cry. It's not that I try not to cry, I just don't need to. Unless I'm pissed. I ALWAYS CRY when I'm REALLY mad. It's like my emotional output wire harness got wired up all wrong. Saturday was a very strange day. I ended up climbing on the roof and putting up the Christmas lights. I'm afraid of heights. I have no idea what got into me.

Don't Get Too Excited

2009-11-20T23:05:00.002-05:00

This isn't really a real post. It's just my charts. Sorry for the TMI. Move along if you don't want to know the details of my lady bits.

Christmas Will Be Early This Year

2009-11-07T20:51:00.001-05:00

Hi All!
I just learned about a 5 year old boy named Noah Biorkman who is in the last stages of a 2 year battle with Neuroblastoma Cancer. His family is celebrating Christmas next week and Noahs request is to get lots of Christmas cards.
Please let's make this little warrior's wish come true.
Send cards to:
Noah Biorkman
1141 Fountain View Circle
South Lyon, Mi 48178
Lets see how many cards
we can get together for this brave little boy.
Thank You and God Bless.

Please also consider posting this very urgent message to your blogs.

Isn't it Ironic, Don't You Think?

2009-10-20T20:11:00.001-04:00

After many years of being irritated that not ONE example given in the song "Ironic" by Alanis Morissette was actually ironic, something occurred to me the other day.

(OMFG! Many years -- as in the nearly 15 years ago when it first came out!!!)

Perhaps the irony, was not exactly IN the lyrics, but that fact that it
**WASN'T*** in the lyrics. The irony of the song, was that it wasn't ironic at all! For about 3 seconds, I felt brilliant (if a little slow to bring the idea to the table). So, I googled this theory and there's a mention of this in Wikipedia. Only it wasn't intentional at all! sigh.

I bet that Alanis now knows the difference between things that suck and things that are ironic. Sometimes things can both suck and be ironic.

For instance, my roommate has absolutely no desire to have children. EVER. And certainly she would NEVER consider birthing one. She is also afraid of doctors. Her periods are irregular and always have been. I was concerned about her lack of cycle. I gave her some of my FertilAid pills in the hopes that she would get her period regulated. The pills didn't seem to be working for me, but I had read many good things about them. She's been taking them for nearly 6 months and has had 3 periods in the last 4 months. I find this to be ironic. While I think it's great for her, I also think it sucks for me! argh!

Progress Report

2009-10-10T13:55:00.003-04:00

Temping: C-

Remembering to take supplements: A

Acupuncture: A+

Weight loss: F--------

Exercise: F---

Eating Healthy: D

Peeing on sticks: B+

Ugh. WHY. IS. IT. So. ***DIFFICULT***

I wish I had more to say. I super wicked took a flying leap off of the general effort to be healthy wagon. I'm trying to get back on, but the chocolate keeps calling me. And yes, somehow the chocolate is preventing me from climbing on the bike, or from taking a walk. (I'm actually have such pain in my legs from my compartment syndrome issues that it is hard to push myself.) -excuses - excuses - excuses-

Also, who can resist apple pie?

I have a wedding to go to in December, and if I don't quit eating, I'm not going to have anything to wear! Really, need to work on this.

I've been thinking about my lack of period and how I plan to handle it. February will mark 1 year since I last had a cycle. If I still haven't had a period by then, I'm thinking about progesterone.

Do you know of any natural progesterone pills or creams? Have you had any luck using them successfully? Are there benefits to using these over the commercially available RX kind of progesterone (horse hormones I think!)?

Anyway, my plan is to take **some** kind of progesterone during the time my body should be naturally increasing progesterone levels on its own. So, when I get a +OPK, I'll start taking the progesterone for the 14 days or whatever it is and work in concert with my body. Maybe it will just need a little more coaching to get back on track.

Thoughts?

Shake Your Love, I Just Can't Shake Your Love

2009-09-21T22:49:00.010-04:00

Ah, 1989.
Age 12.
The gangly sort of time where you kind of had boobs, but they were weird and pointy. And even if they weren't pointy... you thought they were weird because you went to bed one night wearing your underoos only to awaken the next day with something dangling off the front of you. Well, at least if you were me this is what happened.

A mouth full of metal, gigantic hair, and even gigantic-er earrings... and let's not forget the black bolero hat.

That's right. I was like, totally, like Debbie Gibson's like number ONE fan.

From the Sears Wishbook -- you remember that right? The Bible, the Holy Grail, The Holy Grible if you will -- the MOTHER of all catalogs. The Sears CHRISTMAS Wishbook. That's right baby. I circled that sucker and begged for the Debbie Gibson sweatshirt. I thank my Auntie Linda and Uncle Ray for this that which I would like to bring to you today:

(if you click the photo you can see my Debbie Gibson sweat shirt up close)

I finished this winter look with a cheerleading jacket and scarf to match my BFF at the time, Katie. Note the Debbie Gibson black bolero hat... because wearing a photo of your favorite star isn't enough.

Katie and I both cheered for the same team. I thought I was so wicked cool with my side pony tail.

But mostly. I loved Debbie Gibson. I didn't really listen to anything except for Debbie Gibson. I did occasionally listen to Billy Joel and Elton John since my parents did -- oh and also -- because like, they were Deb's, like idols and stuff. And so, anybody she thought was cool, I did too.

I danced for HOURS AND HOURS to my Debbie Gibson Out of the Blue (Live in Concert) VHS

I wore my hair in a pony tail with a bandanna tied in it.

I wanted that damn cheer leading Letterman jacket so I could be just like her ( I wanted our team colors to be BLACK AND WHITE DAMMIT, not red and white):

And if you spy really close... you'll see that Buddy... the guy on the left has been dancing with her since 1988!

When I saw her in concert this summer, I was amazed to see Buddy! I knew just who he was (I even remembered his name!) and Holly, I could tell, was so impressed when Debbie made this point while on stage. (I think she smirked at me.)

This past summer, Buddy did NOT do any aerial somersaults:

I desperately wanted to be one of those little girls that she brought up on stage. (Preferably the girl in the pink and white, she totally had the better moves.)

I thought my life might have peaked this past June, when 20 years later, I finally was able to meet Debbie Gibson. And can I just say... WOW. So gracious. So. Very. HOT. and... so very tiny.

Her smallness is further exacerbated by my gigantic boobs. I'm sorry Debbie. I'm sorry that I almost suffocated you with my doughy (no longer pointy, but definitely more dangly) bosoms. She does look a little frightened, doesn't she? (Photo props go to Holly for being my super human hero photographer even though she has a STRICT policy AGAINST being anywhere near famous people. And also many thanks to Canon for making it allllll possible.) I'm still mad that I didn't have money on me for a t-shirt.

Anyway. I really thought life could not get any better. Until... I went to acupuncture last Thursday. My friend Keri, and acupuncturist extraordinaire, presented me with this:

I think it might be one of the best presents I've ever gotten. :)

Her father's friend used to deliver mail to Debbie's house and he got this autographed picture for her.

She learned of my childhood (and what seems to still be so in adulthood) crush when I told her all about how Debbie Gibson was at Pride.

She went home for the weekend to celebrate her father's birthday and dug this out of the attic. How cool is that?

I love the fact that it has tack marks in the corner and the edges are a little yellowed. I think about how cool it must've been to hang an autographed photo of Debbie Gibson on your wall as a kid.

I heart it. I'm thinking about where to hang it. I might just frame it and put it in my bedroom for old times sake. :)

Thank you Keri!!!

Bought the Farm

2009-09-21T00:31:00.006-04:00

So, I've deliberated about whether or not to post this. I'm concerned about it seeming dramatic, and angsty, and attention seeking, and such. Hopefully I can pull off sharing this and avoid some of those other characteristics that I mentioned.

On Thursday, I received the most awesome gift. (I'll blog about that later.) The gift required that it be scanned. Well, I required that it be scanned -- the gift made no demands. In the midst of the scanning, I got this burning need to scan the letter my dad left for me when he died. It's something I've been meaning to do for awhile now, but never got around to doing. It didn't matter that it was 8:05 and I was supposed to be at work at 8:30 and that it takes me 40 minutes to get there. I HAD TO DO IT RIGHT NOW. Once I thought of it, it became the center of my universe. I panicked because I had put it in such a safe place that I couldn't find it. I did finally locate it and it was just where I thought I'd left it.

I scanned the letter. I read it. I sniffled. I went to put it back in the envelope and noticed the date that it was written was today's date. I never ever noticed before that my dad wrote it 8.5 months before he died. I felt so much gratitude at that realization. I was always grateful for the letter, but it just felt so much more significant seeing that he set out so purposefully to do it. Everything about his death was so selfless. He arranged his own funeral, had advanced directives drawn up, had his will completed, and generally took his illness like a trooper. He joked, he laughed, he smiled, he loved, he shared, and it put everything in place in a way that would enable us to look back and see more than just grief.

My dad was sick for 5 years -- he could easily have made this a time that was absolutely horrible -- a time that would've been impossible to look back and see any good. When I look back, when my family looks back, we see joy all around. His cancer was a small part of that time. He didn't go sky diving or rocky mountain climbing but he did livestrong. He took the bull by the horns, had his surgeries, chemo, and radiation and joked about it. He joked one day about how all of his hair was falling out. He informed me (and poor Holly) while waggling where his eyebrows would've been, that even "the boys" were bald and that he felt 12 all over again.

If asked to do things that he wasn't keen on doing... he quipped in his best mock, pathetic, whiny, pouting, voice, that he was "sick" and couldn't. "I'm sick."
"Can you get me a popsicle? I'm sick."
"Come here quick! Don't make me wait, I might not be here long. I'm sick."

He was totally inappropriate in every way, but it worked. It worked for our family. It helped to laugh. It helped to talk about things in this way. To acknowledge without dwelling. We were never a family that was big on tradition. He started little things. His last Christmas, we had a fondue on Christmas Eve. We all knew it was probably going to be his last. I soaked up every minute of it. He said very matter of factly, "This was fun. We should do this every year as a tradition. " And so we have.

He was so selfless. He was in hospice for my 29th birthday on June 10th, he stayed alert and chipper through my parent's 30th wedding anniversary on the 11th, and on June 12th took a sharp and definitive decline. He was not consistently alert again after that. He would let us know that he was still around in small ways, to let us know he could hear us. He was even making us laugh right to the very end. 3 days before he died, my mom was telling him how much she loved him... not realizing that he could understand or hear her. My mother has a tendency to go on and on and on and on... and this was no exception. At one point, my mother said, "I just hope you know how much I really love you and I wish I knew you could hear me", and my father -- who had not spoken for 26 hours, responded adamantly and rather comedically, "I. Think. I've. Got. The. Hint." He smirked, and then fell asleep. My dad and all of his personality was there almost right to the end. He waited to pass until both my mother and I were present. And he left the physical world with each of us holding his hand.

I always thought that knowing that you were going to lose someone would be worse than losing them suddenly. I've changed my mind on that. Knowing that my father was sick, enabled us to tie up loose ends. We said the things we needed say. When he died, there were no regrets. We had our closure.

I'm not sure why I'm sharing this. I think because I'm proud of it. I'm proud of him for doing it. It must've been a terribly difficult thing to do. I'm proud to be his daughter. I'm proud of the father that he was to me. I hope that one day, that I can be the kind of selfless parent that he was. I hope to be strong. I hope to make my child feel as safe and unconditionally loved as he made me feel. I hope to be a parent that my child will be proud of. Most of all, I hope to be a parent that HE would be proud of.

Click the photos to enlarge and the won't be cut off anymore.

Things I Am Enjoying

2009-09-16T22:15:00.004-04:00

You didn't think you were going to get two real posts in a row did you?

I bring to you my very first ever "Things That I Am Enjoying" in honor of Torrie at I pretty much hate everything.

It's oh so mean... but oh so VERY entertaining. People of Walmart
This was sent to me today by Holly -- she doesn't remember how she found it, but I am so glad she did! http://www.dooce.com/2009/09/16/your-momma-said-you-ugly (it takes a little while to load)
Jenny over at Something Made Different has made an adorable music video of her dog Lila. I look so forward to reading Jenny's posts. They're funny, different, and they make you want to take adventures. Jenny's an archaeologist who has a boyfriend that she refers to as "the Guatemalan" and a dog that is always getting into hot water. Oh, and she got Holly to go white water rafting. If that's not magical, I don't know what is.
Bionic Mamas -- Two Hot Mamas, Three Vaginas. I heart this blog.

What are you enjoying?

PS. Blogger spell check cannot seem to handle more than one Vagina at a time. It recognizes the possessive Vagina's, but not multiple Vaginas. Vaginai?

Don't Go Down That Road of Counting Chickens

2009-09-15T23:13:00.007-04:00

I was reading one of my favorite blogs last night and came across this comment from m at http://countingchickens.wordpress.com/ :

" m said...

Though it doesn't help reality - I try to think of things this way: this time next month/year/week/etc. this will have worked out. We'll have managed it somehow. It's not going to not work, that just doesn't happen. Lame as it may be, it works!

September 14, 2009 2:54 PM"

After reading this comment, I immediately took a big sigh of relief. It's totally simple, right? ( I also like how their blog name and their comment are totally in line with each other. That's hardcore non-counting of unhatched poultry.) I am a person who is perpetually thinking beyond to the next thing. While I'm a fairly flexible person and can be spontaneous, I like to have a plan. Not an etched in stone kind of plan, but at least a vague idea that I have my shit together. (or at least the illusion of having my shit together?) For this, I blame my mother. I should be hearing from her any day now about plans for Christmas and what's on the menu.

This whole idea that I'm going to make this baby all by myself is kind of terrifying. I mean, I won't be REALLY by myself -- I have great group of friends, a totally supportive family, the lovely people of the internets, and the most selfless giving friend/roommate/bff on the planet (who is actually kind of afraid of children, but will let me continue to live here with a kid.) It just won't be the way I always thought it would be. I'm single, I'm broke, and the list goes on.

It's sad to me to think that if it does all finally come together and I can (and by some miracle DO) get pregnant, that there won't be anyone else to share it with. No one to say funny things to my belly, no one to rub my feet, no one excited to hear the heartbeat, or discuss hospital vs. home birth, vax vs. no vax, or circumcision, or which breast pump to buy. Every decision will be made exclusively by me. Parenthood is a humongous responsibility, SINGLE parenthood is even more so. It seems almost irresponsible to choose this. This poor child, my child, will face so many odds. It seems cruel. I find myself wondering if it is selfish.

This is where I go wrong. I'm not pregnant. It could be YEARS before it happens and it may never happen. While 2 years from now seems not all that far off, it is also an eternity. I have no idea what my life will be like by then. Shit, I could be dead. And here I'll have wasted all this good living time thinking about things that may or may not happen.

When we had reached the point, during my dad's battle with cancer, where we knew no conventional treatments were working, my family adopted the phrase "Don't go down that road". Sometimes it was a warning, other times it became a mantra. Most often, my dad would say it when we would have our talks on the way to Dana Farber. He expected that I would be fine if he died. Not that I wouldn't be sad, but that I would be able to move forward and not be crippled by my grief. He said it matter of factly. We had these amazing conversations in the car. We knew why we were having them, but most of the time we didn't acknowledge it. So, when he said these things to me, if I started to REALLY think about them and get what he was saying, he'd hit me with "Don't go down that road". He demanded in me a strength that I never thought I would find. He expected that I would hold my mother and my sister up. Largely I did, much to the detriment of my own grieving. When he did die, I never cried; I spent the entire year that followed in an angry, bitter, battle with depression. For a long time, I couldn't acknowledge the grief. I knew if i acknowledged it, I would never be able to get back on top of it. "Don't go down that road", I'd say to myself.

I would take pieces of my grief out, from time to time, and play with them. I would sort them, label them, and refile them. Never too many pieces at a time, just the ones I could immediately deal with. The anger though, I was a real trooper at handling the anger. I really had no limits in that regard, there were no filters, no patience, and often no warning.

What the hell was my point?

Oh, right.

This baby thing needs to be addressed in the same manner. Most things require that you deal with them one step at a time. A marathon, a death, a new job, whatever. Thinking about how I will deal with things that aren't even remotely in the cards is a waste of energy. Trying to figure out how I will pay for child care at this point is a waste of time. I have wasted countless hours thinking about this. From what I can tell, daycare has the potential to suck up my entire salary. I don't even want to put my baby in daycare. I always hoped to be a stay at home mom. On the other hand, I've also had 3 different people offer to take the baby for a day a week. Three down two to go, right? By the time it matters, I may have a new job. Who knows!

I need to focus on the one or two things in the immediate future. Thinking beyond any given month is pointless until I find my long lost Aunt Flo. I need to focus on getting my lard ass up and moving. I need to be conscious of the things that I'm putting in my mouth. I need to remember not to go down the road of counting chickens before they hatch. Instead of trying to deal with everything all at once, I shall tackle what is manageable and practical.

zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba

2009-09-13T00:40:00.012-04:00

So this morning, I went to my usual Saturday acupuncture appointment. On this day, the owner was covering for the acupuncturist that normally works.

I should explain that I go to a community acupuncture clinic. This means that instead of having individual treatment rooms, clients are treated in common rooms using distal points. This requires that you remove your shoes and socks, roll up your sleeves past your elbows, and your pant legs above your knees. Occasionally, if I'm having an LH surge, they will have me discreetly unbutton my pants and put a series of needles in my abdomen. In an effort to maintain privacy/dignity/(and in my case self respect), those needles are then covered with a light silk scarf. Today, my appointment went as usual and did not contain any points in my abdomen.

A short time after I settled in, another client came in and joined me in my room. This particular room can accommodate 4 patients since it has 4 recliner chairs. So, Cris is talking with the newest person to join the room and working on putting her needles in. The wispy new age naturey music is playing in the background. The white nosie machine is whirring quitely behind me. Suddenly (and rather abruptley, I dare say) someone enters the office kramer style. She walks past the curtain, then back to the door, and back past the curtain again into the check in room and says rather loudly "excuse me". So, I'm thinking this lady is clearly new or she is in not in the right place. Most people enter the office slowly and quietly, taking care to close the door softly behind them. Her entrance was none of these things.

A few minutes go by and I sort of forget about her. I continue to look at the framed photographs on the walls and try to give the illusion of privacy to the other woman being treated next to me. Due to the fact that I snore like a 747 at take off, I refuse to take a nap during my treatments. Too risky. Too embarrassing. So, I try to be respectful (and not creepily gawk at others) if there are other people in the room with me. So, Kramer Lady exits the check in area and is headed straight for my treatment area. I notice something about her is kind of... off.. but I'm trying not to look (although at this point I kind of can't help it). She appears, out of the corner of my straining eye, to be sort of I dunno, lumbering? Her head is kind of... forward, shoulders hunched... kind of reminds of me of the hyenas from the Lion King. She was definitely looking kind of wild eyed. Mostly when I think back, I remember her eyes... and also her nostrils were prominent.

So, she REALLY looks at each of us as she comes in the room. She inspects the chair directly across from me, pauses, and decides to pass it over for the one diagonally from me. She, I notice, is carrying a purse, keys, and what appears to be a white t-shirt. She places these items on the floor next to her chosen recliner. What happens next, I swear on my father's grave, is the Goddess' honest truth. She turns to face me and takes off her sweat shirt. For a moment, I'm like "oops, her other shirt is stuck inside the sweat shirt. Wow, she mustn't have any feeling on her back... HOLY SWEET JESUS SHE'S NAKED." For just a moment longer, I'm thinking that this poor woman is suddenly going to be living one of those naked-on-the-first-day-of-school dreams -- that is... until she just sits down. Bold as ever, with her SHEER white lace bra, she sits. She does not cover herself self consciously with her arms. She does not casually fold her arms in front of her. She just places her arms on the armrest of the chairs and sits casually. Meanwhile, Cris and the receptionist are in the process of leaving the room. I was unable to determine if either one of them noticed this happening as it was taking place. Just before I slammed my eyes closed, I did notice that her nipples were in fact visible.

By this point, I'm am desperately trying to think of anything else because I'M ABOUT TO LOSE MY FUCKING SHIT. I'm biting my lip as hard as I can and grinning, I'm sure from ear to ear. Inside my brain, I start reciting the alphabet as quickly as I can BACKWARDS to msyelf. I say this about 6 times and it just keeps getting easier. I'm still barely keeping the bursts of laughter from escaping my lips. My eyes are closed, but i am certain that there is nothing relaxed looking about them. They are clenched so tightly that I'm surprised I didn't pop my eyeballs. So, I'm like "shit! this alphabet shit is not working. Think sad thoughts. Dad! Dad dying... trying to picture the horrible last few days of his illness, oddly this makes things worse because I can't stay focused. My brain rushes forward with the thought that if my dad WERE here he'd be fucking busting a nut laughing. This makes me start tearing from witheld laughter. " Dudes, I was so dying. For 20 minutes I sat like this. As soon as the last needle was out, I threw my socks and shoes on and I rocketed out the door. I finally reached the car and I did not stop laughing for the 20 minutes that it took me to drive home. I called Holly and I cried through telling her the story. I was in the kind of laughter hysteria that normally is reserved for 3am. It was a bad scene.

The several people that I have relayed this story to, have tried to sort of come up wtih an excuse for why this might have happened. I cannot imagine how this could happen... unless it was on purpose. It was all very surreal. Like, I was thinking, "maybe I should open my eyes and look for the camera. Maybe I'm on candid camera (thank god today is not a belly needle day!)" My mom offered that perhaps "she wasn't really sure what to do?" Holly suggested that maybe she had shoulder trouble and maybe didn't own a tank top. To this I say, if you're in a new situation and you're not sure what you should be doing? Do you just whip your shirt off? It'd be like walking into an allergist office for the first time, not knowing what to expect, and taking your shirt off, then calmly sitting amongst the other people in the waiting room. I'm sorry, but when in an unknown situation, my first instinct is to leave my clothes on. ALL OF THEM. Also. Everyone else in the room was clothed. Aside from shirt sleeves, everything was fully buttoned. I cannot imagine what about that room (or the people in it) said NAKED to her.

After what seemed like an eternity, the owner came back into the room. I still had my eyes clenched tightly closed, and I hear her say "Can you put your shirt back on?" I'm still not sure how I survived that. Nor am I sure how Cris managed to say that with a straight face and how she managed to not laugh. I do applaud her professionalism. I'm not sure that I could've pulled it off. I do wish however, that I could've seen her face when she first noticed that the lady was nekkid.

The second best part... while I was sitting there after the Nekkid Kramer Lady had her needles in, I felt someone staring at me. So, I open my eyes and she was STARING AT ME. And I actually kind of jumped because I totally met her eye when I opened mine. How unnerving. Did someone pay her to come in there and do that?

Maybe I was just giddy, but this lady just seemed WEIRD. I could see maybe if the rooms were private or if there was no one else in there to start with that MAYBE it would seem the right thing to do? Or even maybe if she was getting that cleansing back treatment thingy, that would actually make sense. But I'm thinking... at least wear an opaque bra. Would she have done the same thing if there were men in the room? I dunno. The whole thing just really struck my funny bone. Is it me? I'm not bashful, but I also wouldn't take my clothes off in a room full of strangers.

Moderation

2009-09-08T22:23:00.004-04:00

Twice today I was moderated at the same forum. Twice. Once for starting a thread that wasn't relative to the geographic area (oops) and once for including this blog address in my signature (oops.)

This blog isn't really going anywhere I noticed... that's because my cycle isn't going anywhere either. One day dear readers (all 3 of you), I will have something to say. I'm sure of it. Until then, you will be subjected to other useless drivel that I deem appropriate for this venue. And because it's my blog, I'll post off topic if I want to.

Other things I should do in moderation -- consumption of chocolate, pickles, and other salty items. I don't know if I'm just practicing, but I had pickles for breakfast EVERY DAY last week. I cannot get enough pickles! And not those bright yellow looking pickles either, no, I'm talking about a nice crisp fresh deli dill pickle.

Is anyone else freaking out about swine flu? I mean, I'm totally a germ-o-phobe. I'm actually starting to wonder how, in just a few short weeks, I am going to be able to leave the house. I wish the media would shut up about it already. If I'm going to die, I don't think I want to know about it in advance. I've been talking all kinds of non-sense about stocking up on hand sanitizers for fear that when the flu hits, that it will be impossible to find it in stock anywhere. Can you really predict a flu like a hurricane? The constant blow by blow is sure to have me institutionalized before the middle of this winter. I am truly certifiably emetophobic so the winter months are already torture for me. Add death to the list of possible afflictions also associated with puking and I'm bound to be rocking back in forth in a corner by Christmas.

I'd also like to give a shout out to a friend of mine who is working on this story. I'm totally hooked already and boy is she going to regret giving me that link. I'm a nag by nature and I want the next installment like... now. So, check it out: http://www.killerserials.net/

OH! I'm wicked awesome. I was supppose to cat sit for someone this weekend... and I forgot. Like I forgot to show up. For the record, I just want to say that I've NEVER forgotten to feed my cats or my dogs. Also, their cats have a free feeder of dry food, so they didn't starve at least. I was only suppose to show up and spoil them with good treats and some wet food. I still feel like a jerk. I can totally handle taking care of a kid, right?

I'm going to talk about how great my life is now.

2009-08-08T17:45:00.027-04:00

Really, I'm just going to talk about some fun things that have happened recently. It is for the purpose of reminding me that life isn't all bad. For a couple of weeks now, I have been feeling rather like I have soaking wet blanket over me.

I'm exhausted -- could be that my apnea mask has been leaking most nights lately. I've put a call in to remedy that with a new mask.

Could be my hormones or my qi or whatever rearranging themselves and making me intermittently crazy, sad, normal -- sometimes all 3 at once.

So, I'm writing this post to remind me that things aren't so terrible. Even though I feel like everything is non-specifically horrible. Right? Because that makes sense. Yet, I still feel like I'm living on a rainbow and everything still looks gray.

Over the 4th of July Holiday, we did some dog sitting for friends:

While this was some what fun, it was also pretty harrowing. I say harrowing because our house on a normal day contains 4 cats and 2 dogs. On these days, our house contained 4 cats and 4 dogs. 1 of these dogs was 120lbs. She pretty much took up the entire kitchen. She also would refuse to go outside. Yet, if one turned their backs on her, she would suddenly just... well... she would...

As you can see, we are in the middle of a renovation project. This... display, shall we call it, catapulted is in a most amazing fashion, to the next step of the project:

Please excuse our drying rack. The project is still in progress. As you can see, the adhesive is coming through the primer on the floor and will need several more coats. I've gotten 2 down so far, but I think it needs at least 2 more, plus a real coat of paint before we can rip up the carpeting and do the other side of the room.

Getting a good night's rest proved to be a challenge. Well, at least for me. The others slept just fine. The little grey thing is my dog, Jack. The giant behemoth is Bella and the brown and white dog is Elby.

We also had a party. It was really great to see some old friends and their kids. It was even better to see that our old friends' kids became new friends that day!

And we got to see the triplets!

The garden flourished:

We ate yummy treats:

My little sister and I went to a Roller Derby bout which was great fun:

I went to Waterfire with Holly and some friends. The pictures really weren't noteworthy enough to post here.

Last weekend, Holly and I took a one night trip

to Northampton, MA

to see Tracy Chapman.

The night was full of odd events which started off with me popping a bra underwire right after dinner and then walking around the rest of the night with a flat tire. This interesting trend continued.

Tracy Chapman was AWESOME. Right up until about the end, when the crowd was pleading for an encore and the brawl broke out. I'm not even kidding and I'm REALLY disappointed that I was unable to get shots of that. What a terrifying experience that was. The fight broke out IN HOLLY'S SEAT. Somehow, Holly and I managed to not get sucked in, but it was close. The usher (a 60 something lady) was trying to push back a crowd of unruly dancers that had rushed the stage during the last song before the encore. Much to my surprise she was managing to do this -- right up until one of 5 drunk brunettes elbowed the blonde girl, who was sitting in front of Holly, right in the head. We're not sure if it was intentional or not, but there it was. Suddenly, the blonde girl LEAPT OUT OF HER CHAIR and DOVE with fists-a-flying right at the crowd of drunken brunette girls. Chairs were scattering, people were crowding around, and Holly was looking for her phone to call the police. The blonde girl, lost her dress. Literally.

Which brings me to the rules you should follow should you decide to engage in fighting activity.

1. Your clothing should be secured by more than one string. Sundresses do NOT make good fighting attire. But they might for the people around you... if you get what I mean.

2. You should not be out numbered. You should not take on 5 girls if you have no back up.

I'm sure there are more rules, but those are the two key items that I took away from that night.

After the concert, as we were walking back to the car, we saw two straight people having sex on a picnic table in the courtyard of City Hall, which is adjacent to the courthouse and across from the police station.

So, as you can see, I have plenty to feel happy about. I just need to get there. I'm working on it. I do recognize that I've had a great summer and I haven't been miserable all of the time. Just sometimes. And I'm clawing my way out from under this damned wet blanket.

Confessions.

2009-07-24T16:45:00.002-04:00

I haven't biked since Mother's Day weekend.

I have gained back half of the weight I've lost.

I have been an insane lunatic this week.

I haven't been to Yoga since my Gall bladder attack.

I haven't been attentive to the blog, so you don't even know that I HAD a gall bladder attack.

I have forgotten to temp in the morning upon first waking for nearly a month. I keep remember when I'm already up and about.

I have turned 32.

I have hated everything lately and really I have no reason to hate anything. (see about about being an insane lunatic)

I have been so empathic about everything that I'm actually taking it all on.

sigh. Still I try to ovulate and then I don't. Still no cycle since January.

I am going broke.

I love Debbie Gibson. (more on that later.)

Out the Window Kind of Day

2009-05-21T22:09:00.002-04:00

I had the most awesome drive home tonight. The weather was absolutely GORGEOUS. Holly and I took separate cars to work today because I was supposed to have an acupuncture appointment which got rescheduled. So, I did everything she hated (and everything that I love to do) while I drove home. Windows DOWN. Sunroof OPEN. Hand out the window in the wind. Awesome. Would've been better if I could've shared the joy with her, but that would never happen because she HATES driving with the windows down. :-)

So, headed into this long weekend, I wish you a hand out the window kind of day!

Days Go By - Keith Urban

Lilith Fair Is Back Baby!!!

2009-04-29T14:34:00.000-04:00

http://www.pollstar.com/blogs/news/archive/2009/04/29/664091.aspx?source=email

http://www.lilithfair.com/

July in April

2009-04-26T20:02:00.004-04:00

What a fantastic day today was. It is 8:04 and still 78 degrees. We got 4 out of 5 air conditioners cleaned and installed today. This is the one thing in the world that makes me a big consumer. I cannot stand the heat. Aside from that, my allergies and asthma, in another week will not be able to stand the out of doors. So, while I do feel a bit guilty about my energy consumption, I try to tell myself that these are energy efficient and that we have so many so that we can run them where we are. They also have thermostats that turn on and off. Anyway, this post isn't supposed to be about my guilt of consuming copious amounts of electricity every summer.

It's supposed to be about how gorgeous it is out there today. Even if it was a bit much for April. It got us jump started on all kinds of projects. I have fertilized the yard and over seeded much of it. I'm hoping maybe for a thunderstorm in the next day or so to water that in nicely.

I also managed to head over to Trader Joe's and get most of the shopping completed. My plan that everyone else would be outside worked. I have strict rules about grocery shopping on weekends -- I can't stand a crowd. I find myself often wishing that TJ's stayed open all night or at least until 11:00. It's done at any rate and no little old ladies had to die.

Holly also got the new heirloom Irises that came in the mail on Friday in the ground -- along with 5 new "baby redy's" ( beech trees) from her parent's front yard. We're trying to figure out when the best time will be to plant our heirloom Canas, and heirloom rain lily's. Holly's mom used to have these canas that get 4 to 6 feet tall. So, we bought some and hope that we do well with them.

I can't wait to see these rain lily's. They sound so cool! They only bloom when it rains.

All of the links I provided are actually where we ordered the bulbs from. They seem to be a very small operation. We received a hand written welcome note and an explanation that one of the "samplers" that we purchased had to be substituted due to a higher than usual bulb loss at the green house this winter. They subsituted up price wise which was nice, but we really were happy to know that we were supporting such a small operation. :-) It's very well thought out though, you place your orders whenever and then they mail them according to what the weather is doing in your area. So, you could theorectically order fall bulbs now, but they wouldn't ship until it was the right time to put them in the ground. Cool huh? We thought so.

I thought today was going to be a bust for me because I got a wicked optical migraine. I don't always get a headache afterwards, but today I did. So, I took 4 advil and took a nap. I woke up feeling like a million bucks. I think I shouldn't have tried to read when I was having the spots in my vision, I think that might be what put me over the edge.

Got lots done today. Wish I didn't have to go back to work tomorrow. :-( I'm loving this preview of summer!

Herb Alert

2009-04-23T22:29:00.004-04:00

Okay, I've made a few changes. I had to stop taking the custom herbs -- just too expensive.

Now I am taking FertilAid, FertilCM, FertiliTea, and the newest thing which I added today:

Xiao Yao Wan or Free & Easy Wanderer by Plum Flower Brand.

I'll let you know how it goes.

I had another + OPK yesterday, but as of today it doesn't look like I actually ovulated. I went for another acupuncture treatment today and she felt that perhaps there was still time to make it happen this cycle. So, I guess we'll see. All I can say is that I am SO thankful to my massage therapist for recommending this place. It's accupuncture in a community setting. So, instead of paying $100.00 for a treatment alone in a private room, it costs $15 to $35 on a sliding scale. You decide what to pay. The only difference is that you're in recliner chairs in a common room so they can treat more people in the same amount of space. I noticed no difference in the way it was done other than that AWESOME. They also don't seem to really mark their herbs up. I paid $8.00 for the ones I bought tonight -- it's an 8 day supply, but I can buy a 41 day supply for $32.00. I was spending $200.00 a month on the other stuff. So, hopefully these will work similarly.

Here's hoping I see a temperature rise tomorrow and that it continues on.

VacciNation: Check this out!

2009-04-23T15:31:00.003-04:00

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jim-carrey/the-judgment-on-vaccines_b_189777.html

I may not yet have children, but I've already begun to research vaccines and their risks. I have also had first hand experience with vaccine reactions -- but not in children.

My dog is SEVERELY allergic to most vaccines. His first vaccination resulted in swelling of the face and tongue and required a weeks worth of prednisone and an emergency trip back to the vet for a shot to counter act the effects. At first, the vet I was seeing at the time told me it was a matter of Killed vs. Live vaccines. But during future visits, it seemed to make no difference -- I would drug my dog up on benedryl and prednisone to get the state mandated rabies vaccine and some other ones that the vet really stressed were important. Despite that, Jackson (my dog) would still break out in hives and a fever after each round.

In all actuality, the initial round of SOME of the puppy/kitty vaccines are necessary, after that you really only need to run a titer to see if the dog/cat still has immunity to xyz.. Besides that just rabies is necessary -- and those are actually proven to be effective for at least 3 years. Every state has different criteria for vaccination scheduling of animals. My state requires rabies every 2 years regardless of what the titer says. So, this means I have to put my dog a risk more often than necessary.

My friend has a cat that would vomit blood for a week after being vaccinated. Her vet at the time
proclaimed that he had no idea why she was sick like that. He gave her antibiotics and an antispasmodic to stop the bouts of vomitting. However, Abby was experiencing a classic reaction to the feline leukemia virus which she was being given unnecessarily. This is an indoor cat, living with other indoor cats that tested negative. No reason to be giving her that shot -- that's the first problem. The second problem invovles the things IN the vaccines -- such as preservatives.

I changed veterinarians and Jackson (and Abby cat, Denny cat, Jimmy dog, Bentley cat, Royce cat, Zippy foster cat) now see a holistic vet. If you live in RI, CT, MA and need a recommendation for a FABULOUS vet, let me know.

In addition to concentrating on nutrition -- whereby we were unaffected by the pet food recall last year due to the premium foods we have been feeding -- they also are very mindful of NOT over vaccinating. Furthermore, for those vaccines that are required, our vet uses vaccines without preservatives -- primarily thimerisol. After 6 years of consistent vaccine reactions, my dog can now go to the vet and not have any Benedryl, Prednisone, etc. My dog is DEATHLY allergic to thimerisol. Not only did it cause swelling, but it also caused him to be incredibly restless and uncomfortable. What is it doing then to our children?

Upon this discovery, I no longer get flu shots which goes against the state's recommendation that I do so because of my asthma. Most flu shots contain thimerisol... a very small amount of flu vaccines are processed without it and those tend to be reserved for children.

Cats have developed cancerous tumors at injection sites as a result of over vaccination.

Who knows what else is being caused by vaccines and their preservatives.

Please read the article below (link above).

Here is the text of the article:

THE JUDGMENT ON VACCINES IS IN????

Recently, I was amazed to hear a commentary by CNN's Campbell Brown on the controversial vaccine issue. After a ruling by the 'special vaccine court' saying the Measles, Mumps, Rubella shot wasn't found to be responsible for the plaintiffs' autism, she and others in the media began making assertions that the judgment was in, and vaccines had been proven safe. No one would be more relieved than Jenny and I if that were true. But with all due respect to Ms. Brown, a ruling against causation in three cases out of more than 5000 hardly proves that other children won't be adversely affected by the MMR, let alone that all vaccines are safe. This is a huge leap of logic by anyone's standards. Not everyone gets cancer from smoking, but cigarettes do cause cancer. After 100 years and many rulings in favor of the tobacco companies, we finally figured that out.

The truth is that no one without a vested interest in the profitability of vaccines has studied all 36 of them in depth. There are more than 100 vaccines in development, and no tests for cumulative effect or vaccine interaction of all 36 vaccines in the current schedule have ever been done. If I'm mistaken, I challenge those who are making such grand pronouncements about vaccine safety to produce those studies.

If we are to believe that the ruling of the 'vaccine court' in these cases mean that all vaccines are safe, then we must also consider the rulings of that same court in the Hannah Polling and Bailey Banks cases, which ruled vaccines were the cause of autism and therefore assume that all vaccines are unsafe. Clearly both are irresponsible assumptions, and neither option is prudent.

In this growing crisis, we cannot afford to blindly trumpet the agenda of the CDC, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) or vaccine makers. Now more than ever, we must resist the urge to close this book before it's been written. The anecdotal evidence of millions of parents who've seen their totally normal kids regress into sickness and mental isolation after a trip to the pediatrician's office must be seriously considered. The legitimate concern they and many in the scientific community have that environmental toxins, including those found in vaccines, may be causing autism and other disorders (Aspergers, ADD, ADHD), cannot be dissuaded by a show of sympathy and a friendly invitation to look for the 'real' cause of autism anywhere but within the lucrative vaccine program.

With vaccines being the fastest growing division of the pharmaceutical industry, isn't it possible that profits may play a part in the decision-making? That the vaccine program is becoming more of a profit engine than a means of prevention? In a world left reeling from the catastrophic effects of greed, mismanagement and corporate insensitivity, is it so absurd for us to wonder why American children are being given twice as many vaccines on average, compared to the top 30 first world countries?

Paul Offit, the vaccine advocate and profiteer, who helped invent a Rotavirus vaccine is said to have paved the way for his own multi-million dollar windfall while serving on the very council that eventually voted his Rotavirus vaccine onto our children's schedule. On August 21, 2000 a congressional investigation's report titled, "Conflicts in Vaccine Policy," stated:

It has become clear over the course of this investigation that the VRBPAC and the ACIP [the two main advisory boards that determine the vaccine schedule] are dominated by individuals with close working relationships with the vaccine producers. This was never the intent of the Federal Advisory Committee Act, which requires that a diversity of views be represented on advisory committees.

Isn't that enough to raise questions about the process of choosing the vaccine schedule?

With many states like Minnesota now reporting the number at 1 in 80 children affected with autism, can we afford to trust those who serve two masters or their logic that tells us "one size fits all" when it comes to vaccines? Can we afford to ignore vaccines as a possible cause of these rising numbers when they are one of the fastest growing elements in our children's environment? With all the doubt that's left hanging on this topic, how can anyone in the media or medical profession, boldly demand that all parents march out and give their kids 36 of these shots, six at a time in dosage levels equal to that given a 200 pound man? This is a bias of the most dangerous kind.

I've also heard it said that no evidence of a link between vaccines and autism has ever been found. That statement is only true for the CDC, the AAP and the vaccine makers who've been ignoring mountains of scientific information and testimony. There's no evidence of the Lincoln Memorial if you look the other way and refuse to turn around. But if you care to look, it's really quite impressive. For a sample of vaccine injury evidence go to www.generationrescue.org/lincolnmemorial.html.

We have never argued that people shouldn't be immunized for the most serious threats including measles and polio, but surely there's a limit as to how many viruses and toxins can be introduced into the body of a small child. Veterinarians found out years ago that in many cases they were over-immunizing our pets, a syndrome they call Vaccinosis. It overwhelmed the immune system of the animals, causing myriad physical and neurological disorders. Sound familiar? If you can over-immunize a dog, is it so far out to assume that you can over-immunize a child? These forward thinking vets also decided to remove thimerosal from animal vaccines in 1992, and yet this substance, which is 49% mercury, is still in human vaccines. Don't our children deserve as much consideration as our pets?

I think I'd rather listen to the more sensible voice of Dr. Bernadine Healy, former head of the National Institute of Health, who says:

Listen to the patients and the patients will teach...I think there is an inexcusable issue, and that's the lack of research that's been done here...A parent can legitimately question giving a one-day old baby, or a two-day old baby [the] Hepatitis B vaccine that has no risk for it [and] the mother has no risk for it. That's a heavy-duty vaccine given on day two [of life]. I think those are legitimate questions.

Dr. Healy is also calling for a long overdue study of vaccinated vs. unvaccinated. Dr. Frank Engly, a researcher and microbiologist who served on the boards of the CDC, FDA and EPA during the 70s and 80s, warned:

The CDC cannot afford to admit thimerosal is toxic because they have been promoting it for several years...If they would have followed through with our 1982 report, vaccines would have been freed of thimerosal and all this autism as they tell me would not have occurred. But as it is, it all occurred.

In all likelihood the truth about vaccines is that they are both good and bad. While ingredients like aluminum, mercury, ether, formaldehyde and anti-freeze may help preserve and enhance vaccines, they can be toxic as well. The assortment of viruses delivered by multiple immunizations may also be a hazard. I agree with the growing number of voices within the medical and scientific community who believe that vaccines, like every other drug, have risks as well as benefits and that for the sake of profit, American children are being given too many, too soon. One thing is certain. We don't know enough to announce that all vaccines are safe!

If the CDC, the AAP and Ms. Brown insist that our children take twice as many shots as the rest of the western world, we need more independent vaccine research not done by the drug companies selling the vaccines or by organizations under their influence. Studies that cannot be internally suppressed. Answers parents can trust. Perhaps this is what Campbell Brown should be demanding and how the power of the press could better serve the public in the future.

-- Jim Carrey

Emergency! Please read -->For My Facebook Peeps and In Real life Friends

2009-04-16T10:19:00.003-04:00

This post is meant for people I know in real life. I am unable to post to facebook from work and this imports there and I need to contact them ASAP.

I have a friend who is in DESPERATE need of finding a home for her cat.

It's a long story, but here's the abridged version.

She and her boyfriend got the cat as a kitten 12 years ago. About 18 months ago, she and the boyfriend split up. He refused to give her the cat and the dog.

Fast foward 18 months, she is now living someplace else with many other animals. Two of which would not accept another animal in the house. (One is a VERY skittish dog that they adopted that was kenneled exclusively outside. This dog is afraid of every new experience... of which she has been bombarded with since she had never been in a house before.)

Her now ex-boyfriend just had a baby and is getting married. New GF doesn't want the cat, doesn't like the cat. New girlfriend/wife has taken a liking to the dog. They are leaving Rhode Island and moving to Iowa on Sunday. They are taking the dog. They are not taking the cat. If she does not find a home for Zippy by Saturday, the exboyfriend plans to dump her at the pound.

Please understand that my friend BEGGED to take these animals with her when she and the exboyfriend split. He adamantly REFUSED. She feels horrible. Please help!

Zippy is a 12 year old female cat. She is smoky blue gray with green eyes. She currently eats Nutro Dry Food, is an indoor/outdoor cat, has no known health issues, and uses the litter box religiously. She has NEVER scratched furniture indoors or woodwork indoors, however she has been known to claw the posts on an outdoor deck. She's a bit of an aloof cat -- but does like to sleep with you at night, and snuggle on your lap on her own terms. She has lived with a dog (who she occassionally clawed), now with a baby, but has not ever been around another cat.

We are looking for a forever home, but would settle for someone willing to foster her until a permanent home can be found.

In the meantime, I'll be trying to get a photo of her to post.

Zippy hiding under the Pointsettias:

This is Zippy's ass -- it's the side you most see of a cat anyway, so I felt it was relevent if not the best photo ever.

Third Hand Smoke

2009-04-15T11:22:00.000-04:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/03/health/research/03smoke.html

Musical Interlude : Theresa Andersson

2009-04-13T23:50:00.002-04:00

AWESOME

Marriage. Yay Vermont and Iowa! F! Carcieri!

2009-04-10T00:30:00.005-04:00

Check out this video too:

http://www.projo.com/video/?nvid=349974&shu=1

And for your reading pleasure:

http://www.projo.com/news/content/SAME_SEX_MARRIAGE_04-09-09_FODVPP8_v25.38639b1.html

I Need A Money Tree

2009-04-09T17:58:00.006-04:00

Who doesn't, right?

Seriously though, I tallied up all of the money I have spent on project baby since it began 1-06-09 and it's ridiculous.

Look at this!

I have done up a little budget and I am BLOWING IT. So, I have to stop with the magic custom herbs for now. Because my body is not co-operating, it is costing much more money than I expected per month. This is caused by the fact that I am stuck on Phase 2 -- which is $200.00 every 33 days. That's right -- they are a $.50 a pill. $6.00 a day, $3.00 a dose! That's more than Coffee from Dunkin Donuts! Normally phase 2 is taken for a short amount of time during the cycle, not months on end!

Plan B is that I'm going to continue peeing on sticks and charting my temps. Instead of the magic custom herbs, I am going to take FertilAid and FertilCM and FertiliTEA. The cost is much much much more affordable. I have read a lot of feedback about FertilAID and FertiliTEA on MDC and they swear by it. If I'm not cycling by the time I've lost more weight then (maybe 20lbs more?), I will re-address in 6 months from the first day I start taking it.

It will cost $124.02 for 3 months worth of FertilAID and FertilCM vs. $200.00 for magic custom herbs. I'm not ruling out the custom herbs, I just have to rule them out for now.

In the meantime, I'm taking donations. :-D Holly suggested I post a paypal link on my blog. She might be on to something! I should start a foundation that helps SMBC and Lesbian/Gay couples get resources to help defray the costs of this stuff. It's crazy! I hope my state will step up and get on the marriage wagon then my health insurance would cover everything I needed! At the rate I'm going, I won't have a house to put a baby in! Total insanity. I just want a baby. BADLY.

Everyone says to adopt... these people clearly have no idea how much that costs either. Totally out of my reach.

BAH! I'm so discouraged. I either need to win the lottery or find myself a sugar mama.

Freaking Out A Little Bit

2009-04-06T15:58:00.003-04:00

There was a lay off on Friday and luckily Holly and I are both still employed. The scary thing is that I just found out that they told another department that their positions would be moved to the Philippines in the next 3 to 9 months.

This past summer, there was a big meeting with our department and theirs to let us know that we would be inheriting the account maintenance for this other company. So, we all felt pretty secure in our jobs. Friday, we were told that they would be hiring 5 people in the Philippines to deal with the "simpler account portfolios" for our department and that they didn't think it would be likely that the bigger portfolios would be successfully managed there. So, the people here would have a shift in accounts, but that we would still be employed.

There's nothing I can do about it, I know... it's just nerve racking. It doesn't take a brain scientist to make the leap that moving some of the simpler portfolio's to the Philippines is probably a trial run to see how it works out. Obviously if it works well, then I'm sure we'll be seeing our jobs go there too.

I don't plan to leave this company unless I don't have a choice. I love my job, my management staff is awesome (although I could do without most of my peers). I just hate the feeling of not being in charge of my own fate.

The government needs to start imposing HUGE penalties for moving jobs over seas -- if this keeps up, where will the American People work!?! President Obama, Help US!!!!! How can you plan your life/FAMILY when you don't know when/if you'll be employed? I mean really? It's so scary!

I'm lucky to live with Holly in a house that is owned (and has no mortgage) by her family. We pay a pretty hefty rent, but I am fairly certain that her parents won't throw us out of there if we lose our jobs. So, that helps a little, but I have LOTS OF BILLS! I don't know how I'd ever keep up.

Anyone have any suggestions for starting your own business?

Not much new to report...

2009-03-26T16:17:00.002-04:00

I'm still schlepping on with phase 2 of the herbs. My temps have been ridiculously low for more than a week. (96.8 to 97.1) I'm not really sure what that means... maybe I'm on may way to swinging into some sort of a real cycle.

I'm on CD45 so far with no hint toward ovulation again since that first time. I'll guess we'll see how it goes.

I am excited to report however, that I have lost 20 pounds and 2 1/2 inches off of my waist! Woot! Although... I still feel that I have a lot more to go along the lines of true "fitness". I have, however, acheieved my 2nd short term goal.

The first goal was accomplished when I reached 10 consecutive weeks of "fitness".

The second goal was the 20 pound mark.

Next up, 6.8 more pounds to reach the 10% of body weight lost. (Please don't do the math to figure out my starting weight!) I also hope to have lost a total of 30 pounds by the time the Cystic Fibrosis walk comes in May. Although, I think that might be overzealous since my weekly weight loss has slowed considerably since I first started.

Ultimately, my first BIG goal for "fitness" is to reach the 20% mark of total body weight loss. The Reproductive Endocrinologist claims that my cycle will magically re-appear. I seriously doubt this because this problem was ocurring many more pounds before that. I guess we'll see. Regardless, I want to lose the weight so I can have a healthy pregnancy and that means in my eyes, that I need to lose at least 50 more pounds from where I am now -- preferably more. Oy.
In all actuality, I've given myself a year to "get ready". If I start to cycle reliably sooner than that, then I may have to reconsider my plan, weight be damned. I doubt that is likely, but I'm not getting any younger and who knows how many tries it would take for anything to "stick". I can still try and continue my "fitness" plan.

Zoo

2009-03-15T14:37:00.009-04:00

Holly & I went to the zoo yesterday with J. and Sandy and their two girls. We saw the CUTEST thing EVER:

Born Thanksgiving Day 2008 at a little over 6 pounds!

Not the best pictures because of the glass, but he's damn cute! His name is Taji.

Taji is not the only celebrity at the zoo right now. He's father Ramses (above left) is apparently one of only 12 or so white lions in captivity. He was featured in People Magazine last spring.

http://www.thesunchronicle.com/articles/2009/01/06/news/4187993.txt

Yesterday

2009-03-13T16:07:00.004-04:00

I went for acupuncture treatment yesterday and they also did moxa. So very strange. How did they figure out that putting little needles into your body and leaving them there did something? To expand on that thought, what made them think to heat up the needles with moxa?

I did ask for some recommended reading so I can learn more about the theory behind these treatments and what they do.

Patricia recommended:

Live in the Balance: The Ground-Breaking East-West Nutrition Program by Linda Prout
Treatment of Infertility with Chinese Medicine by Jane Lyttleton

I just ordered 3 books from Amazon (that I don't have yet), so I won't be ordering these for a bit. When I've read them, I'll try to report back.

This Is Me

2009-03-13T14:37:00.005-04:00

This is me today.

I cannot stop eating.

I have eaten so much... that I have only 4 points left on my daily points for dinner. (I have plenty of weekly points to borrow from thankfully.)

I know that I'm actually hungry as opposed to just thinking I am because I have eaten (as well as a lot of other stuff) 3 apples and a HUMONGOUS salad. No one over eats on vegetables and apples.

The question is... why the heck am I so ravenous!?

Please Help Me to Support Cystic Fibrosis Research!

2009-03-10T10:01:00.004-04:00

Miss Maddie, age 2 1/2, 4 months after diagnosis, September 2008

Hi Everyone!

I am walking in the GREAT STRIDES walk for Cystic Fibrosis to show my support for my Cousin Aaron, for Miss Maddie my ex-husband's 3 year old daughter, and for a highschool friend who lost her battle with Cystic Fibrosis.

GREAT STRIDES is the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation's largest and most successful national fund-raising event. This year, I'm walking in the GREAT STRIDES walk at the 2009 Providence, RI - Roger WIlliams Park walk on 05/09/2009. Please help me meet my fund-raising goal of $500.00 by sponsoring me. Your generous gift will be used efficiently and effectively, as nearly 90 cents of every dollar of revenue raised is available for investment in vital CF programs to support research, care and education.

Making a donation is easy and secure! Just click the "Click to Donate" button on this page to go to make a donation that will be credited to my team. Any amount you can donate is greatly appreciated!

Cystic fibrosis (CF) is a devastating genetic disease that affects tens of thousands of children and young adults in the United States. Research and care supported by the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation is making a huge difference in extending the quality of life for those with CF. However, we continue to lose precious lives to CF every day. That's why your help is
needed now more than ever to ensure that a cure is found sooner - rather than later. To learn more about CF and the CF Foundation, visit http://www.cff.org/ .

Together, we can make a difference in the lives of those with CF! Thank you for supporting the mission of the CF Foundation and GREAT STRIDES!

View My Personal Invitation!
Visit the CF Foundation Web Site

If you encounter a problem with a link, please visit my GREAT STRIDES Home
Page at
http://www.cff.org/great_strides/dsp_donationPage.cfm?registeringwalkid=6013&idUser=294255 !

NOTE: If link looks broken, cut and paste ENTIRE link into address bar. If you are presented with a "Find A Walker" page, enter my first and last name and click on "Find Walker." Then click "View Walker" by my name in the results list to go to "My GREAT STRIDES Home Page."

Thank you,
Jenn

Are You A Checker?

2009-03-09T14:08:00.005-04:00

I have kind of a germ problem. As in... I don't like them.

I hate using public restrooms, but I have to pee like crazy -- particularly at work when I'm drinking my water all day long.

So, I try to touch as little as possible when I go into the bathroom. All the while, I am incredibly concious that I do not touch my face with my hands until I've washed. I then dry my hands with a paper towel, which I retain and use to open the door. Even better if the door pushes to open, then I just use my foot.

At work, they are kind enough to provide a nearly entirely touchless bathroom experience (or what I consider to be bathroom nirvana). The soap, toilet, water, and papertowels are all equipped with motion detection. (Although I still have to use a papertowel to open the door.)

So, today, as I'm sitting upon the toilet on my little paper doiley-- that I'm sure does nothing but give me the false sense that I'm not sitting in dried pee drippings (damn hoverers) -- I watched, through the crack in the stall, a person who just left a toilet area - quickly put her hands under the water for like 5 seconds and then proceed to rub them in her curly hair to fix some frizz. I was horrified. She then went to the touchless (THANK GOD) blower and dried her hands and left.

SHE DID NOT USE ANY SOAP! So, now she has PEE HAIR!

The worst part is that I have seen this same person on at LEAST 3 other occasions fail to use soap after leaving the toilet. I did try to give her the benefit of the doubt -- thinking maybe I missed it -- but still disapproved of how little she washed her hands. (No where NEAR the 30 seconds that is recommended!) Now, there is NO mistaking whether or not she uses soap, because the new touchless dispensers make noise when they squirt.

I frequently sit on the toilet and observe the leaving patrons to see if they are washing their hands properly. I tell you... it is far more common that you want to know.

My other public bathroom pet peeve (besides hovering tinklers) - is those that do not flush.

Today, upon exiting the stalls in sync. Holly said to me...

"I can't believe that lady just walked in there and used that toilet! I mean, she had to flush the Spinning Turd of Destruction 2 times. What if it had clogged?! Do you think I would've been able to launch myself off the toilet and out of the stall because it overflowed?? You know the lady that was at the stink left that turd in there. How could she do that? I mean it was STILL SPINNING when I got to it! What kind ofperson leaves a spinning turd???"

She is so right though! I am with John Cage -- I like a fresh bowl and I think they should in fact make toilet remotes. I refuse to flush someone else's stuff. I mean, I don't even like flushing my own. Those toilets flush with such force that I fear that they are spitting tiny turdular particals into the air which one could then inhale. So, I am very careful not to step too far away from the toilet while I'm putting myself back together. This way, I can make a run for it and be out of the stall before it flushes! I have actually been known to cover my face in my shirt while still in the stall if I feel I have strayed too far and may have triggered the auto flusher.

Another thing. At the two large companies I have worked, the coffee stations are ALWAYS located near the bathroom. I'm sure this is for convenience sake, but in my opinion it is HORRIBLE PLANNING. Imagine this: Curly Red Headed Pee hair girl leaves the bathroom with her unwashed hands and her pee hair and decides to grab a cup of coffee.

1. She grabs the stack of cups (that eveyrone insists on pulling out of the protective, hygienic, plastic sleeve) and separates a cup while in the process of touching the lips of several cups when trying to pull them apart.

2. Next, with her pee (possibly poop) hands she reaches for the handle of the coffee pot (we're going to assume for the purposes of this example that she doesn't need to make a new pot because I'm not sure I have time to type out all ofthe horrors of that scenario) and pours some coffee into her cup.

3. Creamer is then added to her coffee which has been lifted and poured with her nasty hands.

4. Time to stir the coffee! She then reaches her tinkle ridden digits into the entire box of coffee stirrers... not taking care to be sure to grab JUST ONE and in the process touches about 10 or 12 stirrers.

5. Two minutes later, you walk up with your washed hands and follow the same procedure. God only knows, what you're about to ingest!

So, are you a checker? Do you watch for the non-handwashers of your company? I have been resisting the urge to leave a note on her desk telling her how gross it is that she doesn't wash her hands properly. God knows what she's infecting us all with!

Do you check to make sure you've left no bits behind in the toilet when you're done? I really hope so.

I think we should start a movement... maybe tickets should be handed out for failure to void your turds, or negligent and gross soap neglect.

Some day, maybe I'll tell you about the crazy lady that sits behind Holly. She has been known to hock lugies into her trash can while still sitting at her desk...

It's Official...

2009-03-06T09:38:00.003-05:00

I actually did not ovulate, but at least my body is moving in the right direction.

I've moved back to taking Phase 2.

Here's a summary of what Patricia had to say over the last few days:

"Phase 3 is taken from + OPK until the temp rise, usually from 3' F to 1' F, which indicates that you have in fact ovulated. If the temp rise does not last it can indicate that your body was trying to ovulated but the chemistry was still just not right and ovulation may have failed. In this case I recommend staying on phase 3 for 3 days, if the temp spikes again and stays up you stop phase 3 and start phase 4. If the temp does not spike go back to phase 2 and continue nourishing yin. Yin generates yang so if you don't have enough yang to trigger an ovulation you go back to building yin which will in turn strengthen yang to try to release an egg again. To clarify, you are never on phase 3 and 4 at the same time 3 leads into 4. "

"It looks to me like you didn't actually ovulate. Your body is trying hard but the temp. didn't stay up and the temps at the beginning are really high. So it looks like the whole thing is off. It's almost backwards. A normal biphasic pattern on a chart would be lower temps in the follicular phase(first 14 days) then higher temps in the luteal phase(last fourteen days). So we still have some work to do. But I'm really encouraged that you got your period so give it time it will balance out. Your working hard and your doing a lot of really healthy things so it will be reflected in time on the chart. "

Breaking the Rules

2009-03-05T10:02:00.005-05:00

I know I said I wouldn't be posting about secretions and giving those sorts of updates. But in view of the fact that I have no idea what is going on with my body at the moment.. I am about to do just that.

At the request of Sarah over at *just* a mom here is what my current chart looks like:

A couple of things to note:

1. This is my first cycle after coming off of birth control pills.

2. My temperature spike and my + OPK occurred on the same day.

3. The next day the temp kind of plunged, which I think means that my body tried to ovulate and then didn't.

4. I only got a very little bit of EWCM and in general, not much is going on in that department at all.

I sent the chart to Patricia, I'm hoping to hear back from her today. I need to figure this out because I either need to start Phase 4, or go back to Phase 2 and try again.

Seriously.

2009-03-04T15:24:00.004-05:00

I am ready for spring.

At 8:20am this morning, my car was 19 degrees. I am typically a person who cannot get cool. Well, today, I cannot get warm! I don't know if it's the weight loss (20 lbs in 8 weeks!) or the fact that my hormones are getting reaquainted or what. But damnit, I need a hot chocolate.

Also, my allergies feel that spring is already here. Not to be gross, but I must have blown my nose 20 times this morning before I left the house. I want to stick something sharp in my ear and take a fork to the back of my throat to stop the itching. THANK GOD I am going to the allergist tomorrow. I'm glad he insisted on seeing me back in 6 months... I need something more.

I'm still continuing to chart and I am unclear as to how this whole thing is supposed to work. I guess I should pick up a copy of Taking Charge of Your Fertility. After I got a temperature spike Thursday morning and my positive p-stick on Thursday afternoon, I assumed everything went off without a hitch. Now, I'm not so sure.

My temperature plummeted on Friday morning and I thought that I recalled that it should kind of stay up. So, I contacted Patricia to let her know I needed to order some Phase 4 (because I thought I was about to ovulate) -- and then I asked for some clarification on when to begin taking it. This only confused me further.

On Friday night, about 30 hours after my + OPK I thought I felt ovulatory pain. So, what I'm trying to find out now, is what my temperature should be doing. It's been going up a little bit each day since then, but not all that high. I just sent her my charts so hopefully she'll be able to explain what's going on.

I think if I'm understanding this correctly, I should've gotten a + OPK, THEN a temperature spike. But I got temp spike in the morning, - opk in the morning, + OPK in the afternoon, and then a - OPK in the evening. The following morning after temperature spike, my temperature plummeted and has had a gradual rise since then.

Today is CD24 (cycle day 24) ... + OPK (ovulation predictor kit - pstick) was on CD18.

I'm so confused!

Things I Found Surprising Today

2009-03-02T14:51:00.003-05:00

This Tastes Like Ass

2009-02-27T09:21:00.003-05:00

We've all said it... this smells like Ass... this tastes like Ass... this looks like Ass...

But did you ever imagine... that it really might!??

After doing some research on each of the herbs that are in the two formulas I listed yesterday, I found the following:

E Jiao (Ass Hide Glue, Donkey Hide Gelatin)

http://tcm.health-info.org/Herbology.Materia.Medica/ejiao-properties.htm

Nothing like a nice piece of Ass.... (C'mon it had to be said... and I wasn't the one that came up with it... you can blame Gina for that!)

Starting Sunday, R.I. will allow breastfeeding in public

2009-02-27T07:21:00.001-05:00

Starting Sunday, R.I. will allow breastfeeding in public7:11 AM Fri, Feb 27, 2009 PermalinkFelice Freyer Email
A new state law that takes effect Sunday allows women to breastfeed or bottle-feed their babies in public places. An earlier law exempted breastfeeding mothers from indecent-exposure laws. The new law goes a step further and explicitly allows breastfeeding in public. Forty-one other states have similar laws.
"There is a long history of women being asked to leave public places to cover themselves up or to stop breastfeeding," says Erin Dugan, breastfeeding coordinator at the Rhode Island Department of Health.
Breastfeeding protects mothers and babies from numerous health problems and can lower the baby's risk of obesity later in life. But breastfeeding is a demanding endeavor. An infant needs to eat eight to 12 times every 24 hours, and the mother needs to feed her baby whenever the baby is hungry to maintain her milk supply.
That's why public breastfeeding is necessary, Dugan says. "We want to normalize breastfeeding in Rhode Island," she says.
Under the new law, if a person or business attempts or plans to bar breastfeeding, a woman can obtain a court order to prevent future violations and also can get compensation and attorney's fees.
The Health Department has been notifying business organizations about the new law and has fact sheets to help guide employers.

_________________________________

Well, it's about time! http://www.health.ri.gov/family/breastfeeding/laws.php

Ovia's in Da House! Can I get a woot?!?

2009-02-26T19:18:00.002-05:00

So today was the big day! I had a temperature spike this morning, so I brought a p-stick with me to work and tested around Noon. It was kind of weird peeking in my desk drawer every few minutes to see what it was doing... and then subsequently peeking in the drawer periodically to look one more time to make sure I wasn't imagining it.

When I was pretty sure that I was seeing what I thought I was seeing, I called Holly over. I opened the drawer and pointed. Her reaction, "Ut oh... that was a lot quicker than I thought it'd be!"

I am absolutely stunned that it worked on the first shot! I hope that the rest of this will happen just as easily. Now to begin the arduous task of finding a donor whether frozen or friend... how does one go about asking that sort of thing? Does a known donor work out? I know fresh is always better than frozen.... although not necessarily the case with vegetables.

I find the vast number of things to consider in sperm positively daunting. I also found that I am way more picky in my sperm than I am when picking friends or partners. I mean I don't request genetic details upfront... perhaps I should consider this in the future...

I was able to get some information on the two herbs I have taken so far.

Phase 2 -- take beginning cycle day 3 until positive OPK is called Gui Shao Di Huang Tang but with Modifications - "expels dampness and promotes urination" (YEP! it sure does... I pee ALL THE TIME NOW)

http://www.jcm.co.uk/media/cms/File/Inga.pdf

Beginning Cycle Day 3 - 6 capsules 2x's daily until + OPK ( I actually started cycle day 5 because the herbs weren't ready)

My exact mixture is:

Sheng Di Huang 12.0 grams
SHAN YAO 10.0
SHAN ZHU YU 10.0
FU LING 10.0
MU DAN PI 5.0
ZE XIE 5.0
DANG GUI 10.0
BAI SHAO 10.0
CHAUN XIONG 10.0
BAI ZHU 10.0
CHEN PI 5.0

Phase 3 - which I think is what helps build a healthy place for implantation is called Wen Jing Tang "invigorates blood and dispel stasis" more info: http://www.sacredlotus.com/formulas/get.cfm/chinese_formula/wen_jing_tang
http://www.acuatlanta.net/jing-tang-grams-concentration-except-minerals-p-27073.html

To be taken as follows: 6 pills 2x's daily for 6 days beginning with + OPK

Mixture is:

BAN XIA 6.00
MAI MEN DONG 9.00
WU ZHU YU 9.00
SHENG JIANG 6.00
DANG GUI 9.00
BAI SHAO 6.00
GUI ZHI 6.00
JI XUE TENG 15.00
E JIAO 6.00
MU DAN PI 6.00
REN SHEN 6.00
GAN CAO 6.00
ZAO JIAO CI 9.00
DAN NAN XING 5.00
DA FU PI 9.00

That's all I've got. It's late! I have to get to bed! Nighty night!

Ovia and Cap'n

2009-02-23T15:51:00.012-05:00

Ovia is a fairy of sorts-- the fairy god mother of ovulation if you will -- I have not yet been blessed by Ovia.

Ovia has a faithful sidekick Cap'n.

Together, they will get you a baby!

As of today, I have had 10 full days of Phase 2 herbs. No sign yet of any little hatchlings (no + p-stick yet and no temp spike.) I emailed Patricia today and she is going to order more phase 2 since I have only about 3.5 day supply left. I think I need to continue phase 2 until I get a positive p-stick.

Speaking of temperature spikes... I know I mentioned how much my thermometer collection sucks. I will soon be trying out yet another one (thanks for the hand me down Monica!), I'll let you know how it goes. One good thing though... the directions for the last one I purchased -- says "for oral use only" EUREKA! At least we have an answer to the burning question of "HOW do you take a basal temperature?"

It's a pretty slow news day otherwise. I was feeling a little under the weather over the weekend -- I couldn't figure out if it was the beginnings of a cold or allergies. Naturally, I feel just ducky today at work... but I'm grateful to not be sick. I am especially grateful that I am well because it seems like everyone has the pukey flu. I am horrendously puke phobic (the official term is Emetophobic) -- I have the worst panic attacks -- even seeing it on TV makes me extremely uncomfortable. (Just one more reason why the LWORD sucked ASS last night. That show is infuriating... I'm glad it's the last season. I'm tired of wasting my money -- and yet I always feel compelled to continue on with it.)

If you haven't seen Jesus Has Two Mommies, you should definitely do so. I saw it twice live and it is just hilarious. It does lose a little in the video version, but I don't think there are any plans to perform it live again. It's just brilliant.

National Organization for Marriage - Get OUT OF RHODE ISLAND!!!

2009-02-20T13:57:00.005-05:00

This infuriates me beyond belief.

"Aren't you tired of legislators that can't keep their priorities straight -- tell them to stop messing around with gay marriage and get back to work". Oh, I'm sorry, I thought civil rights WAS work!

You can listen to the hateful bits here: http://marriageequalityri.wordpress.com/2009/02/20/nom-is-on-the-move-â€”-help-us-stop-them-before-next-weeks-hearing/

Just click the arrow that's in the middle of the page, it's not real obvious.

Don't they know I'm unstable right now? Seriously, this bitch is going to start slapping people any minute.

************************update*********************************************

Holly had the nifty idea to use the NOMRhodeIsland.org website email your legislator function to write a counter version of the letter using their site and resources. BRILLIANT I say BRILLIANT.

Here's my version of the letter which actually includes the text that their email generator defaults to (Please feel to steal it and send it on yourself):

SUBJECT: PLEASE SUPPORT Gay marriage bill 0147

To: John F. McBurney, Leo R. Blais, Michael J. McCaffrey, Erin P. Lynch, Maryellen Goodwin, Rhoda E. Perry, Paul V. Jabour, Harold M. Metts, Charles J. Levesque, Christopher B. Maselli, Your State Representative(s)
From: [Your Name]

As a concerned citizen of Rhode Island, I am asking you to PLEASE SUPPORT GAY MARRIAGE.

The message below is an example of hate, fear mongering, and just plain ignorance.

I am not asking you to redefine marriage, I am asking you to do what is right and grant every citizen of this state the right to a civil marriage to be recognized by this state. We are flanked by two states that have already done this... let's join them and show that Rhode Island believes in equal rights for ALL.

PLEASE PASS Senate Bill 0147 -- and do the right thing... the right thing is sometimes radical, but it's still the right thing.

Please REJECT SB0136 -- love makes a family and love makes a marriage, not gender. Protect ALL of Rhode Island's children -- give them security by allowing their straight and gay mom's and dad's the right to marry.

I'm not asking to take away any religious groups rights. I don't think that they should be required to hold ceremonies for relationships that they feel their faith disallows. I'm asking, that the license that joins two people into a committed LAWFUL union be granted to all of Rhode Island's citizens. Call it whatever you want, but if it's granted by the state it should be the same for everyone. Separate is not equal.

PLEASE VOTE YES ON SAME GENDER MARRIAGE.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
For too long, concerned Rhode Islanders have been told that our efforts to protect marriage are a waste of time. But now, a handful of activists are pushing a Senate Bill 0147, a radical same-sex marriage bill currently pending before the Judiciary Committee.

I urge you to oppose SB0147, and instead support SB0136, protecting our state's time-tested understanding of marriage as the union of a husband and wife, providing their children with the love and security of their own mother and father.

Already, the recognition of same-sex marriage and civil unions has threatened the civil rights of religious groups opposed to same-sex marriage, as exemptions prove far to thin for the realities of modern life. Catholic Charities has been deprived of its adoption license; a Methodist group has been denied tax exemption for refusing to permit a civil union ceremony on its property. And this is just the tip of what is sure to be a much larger iceberg.

Thank you for your consideration of this important issue. Please vote to protect marriage and vote no on same-sex marriage.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
*
*
*
*
*
*
Again, PLEASE SUPPORT MARRIAGE EQUALITY. VOTE YES ON Senate Bill 0147

SINCERELY VOTING FOR MARRIAGE EQUALITY,
(your name here)
(your address here)

How Many Thermometers Does It Take To Get An Accurate Basal Body Temperature?

2009-02-20T11:24:00.004-05:00

At least three in my experience... and I'm not even sure that they are accurate.

I bought the first thermometer at Walgreens -- it was their store brand and the only model they seem to carry. It was around $10.00. I used this one for about 2 days, when it started to act like it needed a new battery.

So, instead, I ordered this one : http://www.early-pregnancy-tests.com/bbt-thermometers.html

It also worked for only a few days. Yesterday morning, it seemed like it was taking forever for the thermometer to beep. So, I look and the damn thing shut off. I turn it back on stick it in my mouth, and cross my eyes to see the display. I watch it count up, pause, and turn off. WTF???

I'm one of those people who can never have a cell phone, cordless phone, or watch for any length of time without killing the batteries. Seriously though, I haven't had these things for more than 2 weeks... surely that is not the cause.

Does anyone know a good brand of basal thermometer? Basal thermometers read like this 98.60 instead of 98.6. Apparently the extra digit makes all the difference.

The thing I'm most peeved about is the fact that now I'm not sure if the huge drop in temperature yesterday was due to the use of the walgreens thermometer instead of the one I bought online. Who knows. Oh, and I replaced the battery in the Walgreens one, but they are made so cheaply that the battery doesn't stay seated and that is what was causing my low battery signal. It wasn't making a full connection. Good.

I'm now down $23.00 and still I don't have a consistently working thermometer.

Hormonal Whiplash

2009-02-20T10:49:00.001-05:00

Jesus.

I have always hated birth control pills. I now have a renwed hatred for them.

Yesterday, I felt so pissy all day long. It's like coming down off of some illicit drug or something. Everything is all out of whack, I have the most gimongous zits -- I NEVER get zits. And these aren't just your little pimples, no these are big honking things that are like the size of peas and hard like marbles. And they HURT. Thankfully they are not really in visible places, but that's gross in a whole different way. At least I can keep it as my own little secret. Or our little secret I suppose...

On top of that, I alternately want to hurt things and cry. Sometimes even, when I'm lucky, I'll want to do both simultaneously. Today is Day 12 -- which means I've been "clean" (from Birth Control Pills) for 16 days. I sure hope this runs quickly out of my system and restores me back to the person I know and love.

Poor Holly, she gets the brunt of it. She's a teaser by nature. And by nature, I'm typically really good about being teased and harassed. I have no patience ever. At this moment, I'm negative patience. And right now, Holly is headless and reeking of shit.

I'm hoping that yesterday is, well yesterday, and that today I will start to feel like myself again. I feel like my blood is boiling and jumping up and down in my veins at the same time. Very agitated. I'm starting to get a headache. I think I really just need a nap and some snuggles. Sadly, I'm at work and the dog and my bed are at home.

Not a hen yet...

2009-02-18T14:17:00.002-05:00

Since I am notoriously impatient, it is no surprise that when I received my p-sticks on Friday I immediately ran to the bathroom and tinkled on one. After a bit of a hub bub with my roommate about WHERE we would be resting the pending p-sticks after tinklage has taken place, it was negative.

It was brought to my attention that the edge of the bathroom sink was NOT in fact the proper place to rest one's tinkle residue ridden diagnostic tools. The proper place I am told is on the window sill, where unsuspecting hand washers (and I think we all know that Holly is compulsive about this) will never encounter said device. And then it must be clorox wiped "every. time.".

Personally, I thought the edge of the sink made perfect sense so it could be cleaned easily. Emphatically not. So, I instead rest the covered tinkle swab on the original package on a Clorox wipe on the window sill. So far so good. I thought this was a bad idea -- I'll let you know what happens when the cat decides to bat it off of the sill onto the floor.

BTW, did I tell you the cheapest place to buy tinkle sticks of various sorts? Well, if I didn't, it is www.early-pregnancy-tests.com .

Right, so, no hatching for me yet. Also not surprising, since technically I was told to start peeping on sticks today... which I haven't done yet.

Every time I think about ovulation, I think about that bunny from the Cadbury Cream Egg commercial from the early 1980's. He's sitting making a chicken like clucking noise "buhck buchk buhck" and then he gets up and suddenly there are eggs. I said to Hol last night, "hey, maybe I'll lay some eggs with the Cadbury Bunny" She admitted to me how magical she also found that to be as a child -- and that it was a driving factor behind the obsession that she also has with Cadbury Cream Eggs. Truly brilliant programming by Cadbury... I personally was also fascinated with the true egg like appearance when they pulled them apart. Really, how DID they get the yellow in there and make it round like a yolk? I'm pretty sure it's because the bunny really DID lay those eggs. They are magical.

When I was little, my dad told me that chocolate was actually Easter Bunny poop. This did not deter me from consuming massive amounts of chocolate, however, which is no doubt what he was going for. I think it actually made me eat more...

I'm looking forward to Easter... it has some of my favorite candy... Cadbury Cream Eggs, Miniature Cadbury Eggs with the hard coating, DOVE EGGS (dark chocolate mmmmmmmm), and of course Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs. I will not be consuming the tons that I usually do since it is counter productive to my "fitness" plan, but I definitely plan to partake.

Can you still find the little tins of chocolate cigarettes or are those considered to be inappropriate these days? I used to really love those -- from Fannie Farmer I think.

Lastly, it's my blog and I'll be off topic if I want to. ;-)

Daddy's Hands

2009-02-16T00:30:00.000-05:00

This June 15th it will be 3 years since I lost my dad to metastatic colon cancer. And while that's sad and I miss him terribly, I'm pretty sure he's still with me. My dad and I were a lot a like. Sometimes we got along great because of it, and other times we really wanted to kill each 0ther. Usually, it had to do with me about to make a mistake that he made, and him trying to tell me not to make it. My dad has always been there to guide me every step of the way.

The last 9 or so years have been full of drama and learning and growing. At times it was just a little too much, more sometimes than I thought I could handle. First the figuring out that I was gay, the subsequent break-up of my marriage, having to move back home with my parents, my father's diagnosis, struggling to maintain a relationship with my ex-husband... it was just all happening almost all at once. I really just felt like I was being swallowed by the grief and constant personal growth. I used to be a person who just just so happy all of the time. I think I was probably even one of those people who was so happy it was kind of annoying. I really just didn't have anything to NOT be happy about. So, I really had a hard time dealing with the drama and didn't feel prepared for it all.

Don't get me wrong, a lot of good things happened during that time too, but they never seemed to burn as brightly as the negative things. Looking back now, I'm appreciative of what I've learned. I'm so grateful for Holly and for everything that she did to help me through that time and how's she's never faltered since. I'm grateful for my parents who never blinked and just took me back into the house and never once looked at me differently. I'm grateful for Monica who told me I wasn't going crazy and for the weekend in DC where she helped me sort my shit out ( I got the WORST sunburn of my life that weekend). Lastly, I'm grateful that when I look back, I can see my life starting to right itself again.

I struggled for a long time with my inability to maintain a civil relationship with my ex. It was really hard and I kind of gave up on it. I thought, sometimes you just gotta let it go. So, I did -- but struggled with it. About 9 months ago, I bumped into him and his wife at a baby shower for some mutual friends of ours that were having triplets. I was so uncomfortable and didn't know what to say. It was sort of bizarre and surreal to see him with his girls. When we were leaving they both told me that they wanted to keep in touch and I should quit being such a stranger. I was like "yeah, okay -- but we're going to need to talk about some things first, but not now it's not really the time." I honestly had absolutely no intention of doing anything about it. I figured it was unlikely that I would hear from them anyway. (Don't worry there is a point to all of this.) A couple of weeks later, I got an email saying that their oldest daughter had cystic fibrosis. I should tell you that my cousin has cystic fibrosis -- and so I was very familiar with the disease and I knew they had to be devastated and terrified. I was a bit shocked to get the email in the first place... and I really just felt bad for them. I also felt like I could give them some insight. So, I called them. I can honestly say that if she had not been diagnosed, that I probably would not have reconnected with them. But my point is that I feel like something has been behind all of this -- pushing me in the right direction -- no matter how stubborn I was being. Despite myself, I picked up the phone and called... and at the same time I didn't really want to be doing it, but I couldn't not call either. I wondered then if he was behind this because my dad knew how profoundly difficult it was for me that things were just not working for us. I also know that he knows how stubborn I am and that if I said I 'd had enough, I'd had enough. I really can't think of a single other thing that would have moved me to make that decision to call. Whatever the case, I did and I am so grateful for that too. I think it was like finding the first two connecting pieces in a puzzle.

In a very short amount of time, I have healed so much from that. The guilt is finally really and truly gone. Holly and I just love hanging out with them -- they've become some of our favorite people. I think the best part is that it's not weird at all, we talk openly about everything, and it's just great. Not long ago, during one of our many ridiculously late nights at their house (we've apparently had a lot to catch up on) I was telling them that I really want to have kids. I also explained my fertility issues etc. and off handedly mentioned that I really just needed to lose some weight etc.

New Years Eve, I received a proposal (no, not the marrying kind) from Sandy to partner up with her and try to eat healthy and exercise. It was a short goal of 20 weeks. I was like, ugh. I wicked don't want to... but I will at least try to exercise. She basically wanted me to be her conscience and someone to nag her weekly for a weigh in. So, the first week I didn't do any exercise at all... but I started to count my points. I wasn't really watching what I was eating at first, just sort of checking out how badly I was eating. (REALLY bad!) As the week went on, I just sort of started trying to stay within points. And I lost some weight. Suddenly, it wasn't really seeming too bad. In fact, it was kind of easy. Please fit puzzle piece #3 here.

About two weeks into that, I received a ping from a friend at work. She knows that I've been freaking out about my fertility and my age, etc. She also knew that I was planning in next couple of years to go it alone regardless of whether or not I've met the right person. Right from the beginning, she was super supportive etc. So, she starts to say, I have a link that I wanted to send you that I think would be helpful. I just don't want you to take it the wrong way or think that I'm trying to be nosey or whatever. I just thought that you would find it helpful. And basically she, in so many words, was like I'm not trying to out you... but I pretty much think I have your number and it's cool and I think that this is worth the risk. So, she sends me the link to this blog: http://www.queerbabymaking.com/ I was like, no worries. You've got it right... and I'm not at all offended. Really, Shalonne, I couldn't thank you enough! I realize the huge risk that you took in doing that and I'm so glad you did. Puzzle piece #4 goes right about here.

For awhile now, I've wanted a recumbent bike. I've been searching craigslist but really didn't have much luck. I looked into renting one, but cost wise it just didn't make sense. However, the guy at casters (http://bikeri.com/) was so incredibly nice. He spent a good amount of time telling me what to look for in a recumbent bike, features not to bother upgrading for, and also to be cautious and make sure that I buy something that can be serviced locally. His best recommendation was to get a Schwinn. He had absolutely nothing to gain... he knew his bikes were priced out of my budget but he took the time. About two days later, I searched craigslist for a Schwinn recumbent bike. I had only 2 other restrictions: 1. The bike had to be in or near the town I live in because I don't like driving the pick up truck, particularly in the snow. 2. It had to come in on my budget of $200.00 or less. Please insert puzzle piece 5 here. The bike fit all of those criteria. I picked the bike up that night.

I mentioned in an earlier post that my massage therapist recommended a particular acupuncturist to me. I didn't end up seeing the one that I was supposed to. The woman made the appt. with me, but she didn't say that I'd be seeing a different person. Had she told me that, I might not have gone through with it. You might recall, that this woman knew Holly and her family. She was willing to work with me through the money issues etc. I'm pretty sure this deserves a puzzle piece #6.

The weeks have gone by and I'm about to into my 7th week of "fitness". (Yes I feel it still needs the "") So far so good, it's still coming pretty easily. After meeting with the acupuncturist and getting a plan together to make this happen has made me all that much more focused.

Plus... I found free Yoga. If that's not a sign, I don't know what is... but I sure as shit cannot afford all this crap and to pay for Yoga too.

My point in all of this (if you're still following along congratulations!) is that it has all come together too easily. Much of it has also come together, despite decisions I would have made or things I was not planning to do. Maybe it's just that I can't really believe that he's gone, but damn it... I swear that he's behind me guiding me much the way your partner will guide you with their hand on your back through a crowd -- and making these things come together for me. If it's not him, I don't care. I just like the idea of it and really, I do think it is him. Maybe I'm crazy. I'm definitely not religious (even though I did see Jesus when I was 4), but I do believe in something even if I don't know what it is. It's just that my dad is the only one who really knows how I tick -- he's probably the only one who would know how to manipulate me to make the right choices --which is really all he was ever trying to do.

So, I hope I'm making him proud. I'm going to try to hear him better this time around. For the first time in a long time, I think I've got myself back. I thought it was gone forever, but I really feel content and just plain happy.

No, you don't smoke them...

2009-02-13T23:53:00.000-05:00

The magic herbs arrived today. I have to say... they don't look that expensive.

I'd have expected maybe some gold leaf on the packaging, but no.

I am to take 6 capsules twice daily until I get a positive p-stick. They look kind of like they are filled with gravel honestly. I have a hard time thinking these will be my little miracles, but I'm crossing my fingers. I have no idea what is in them other than dehydrated shit that was formerly some kind of a tea made from some herbs. I do intend to find out what is in the formula, however so that I can report back. My understanding is that Patricia picks out the formula and they go to this place http://www.kamwo.com/ to be formulated. Then they take all of the components and put the granules in capsules. My first thought was that I really hope that they have a capsule stuffer because I would hate to be the poor person stuck stuffing and capping them all.

Normally you take phase 2 for about 14 days... and then once you get the positive p stick you start with phase 3. I doubt very much that I will ovulate in 14 days, I just think that it's going to take a little longer to get things back into shape. So, Patricia said if I don't ovulate in that time to call her and we'll go from there.

Just for shits and giggles, I did a p-stick -- I really need to work on my aim. It was obviously negative, but I was just curious about them and couldn't wait. I'm like that.

That's pretty much it for today.

Yoga Party

2009-02-12T14:50:00.000-05:00

So, last Wednesday, I went to my very first ever Yoga class. There’s a little spa/studio/wellness-y place near me that offers a FREE that’s right FREE Beginner’s Beginner Yoga class. Let me just say, that I LOVED IT. I felt so incredibly fantastic afterwards. I cannot even describe it. My friend Sandy – who happens to be married to my ex-husband went with me the first week. Unfortunately, she wasn’t able to go last night because her husband hurt his knee and since he’s the babysitter it just wasn’t going to work. Hopefully he’ll be all fixed up soon and she’ll be able to go with me again. I definitely enjoyed it more when I could make faces to someone else which expressed the amount of effort and exhaustion I was experiencing. I’m not sure why, but it was more fulfilling somehow.

There was this girl last night – doing this one pose – (which I was STRUGGLING with, but still accomplishing to a much lesser level) I don’t remember what in the hell it was called – something –or- other- asina. I call it doing a standing split and bending over like a drop leaf table and trying to touch the floor which may as well be on the other side of the moon because you’re never going to reach it in a million years pose. Anyway, not only could she touch the floor much to my amazement (I was using blocks which brought the moon one foot closer) the instructor told her to see him at the end of class because he thought she was ready to go to the next level with that pose. I think I mentioned earlier that I eavesdrop… I actually kind of have trouble NOT eavesdropping sometimes… So, naturally I lingered around a little longer than necessary with one other person to see where exactly this next level was. It is a planet on the other side of the moon! This girl was able to put the TOP OF HER HEAD not her forehead… but like the part that wears a hat… the CROWN of her head FLAT on the floor while doing a standing split. I could not believe my eyes. Even the instructor seemed a bit in awe of her… after all she can reach Jupiter.

On a side note, I’m hoping to get the first batch of herbs today or tomorrow. I’m kind of excited to get started.

I’ve been keeping track of my expenses related to the baby making project. Here’s what I’ve spent so far: $589.32

Used Recumbent Bike from Craigslist $200.00
Acupuncture consultation $150.00
Phase 2 and Phase 3 custom herbs $150.00
Basal Thermometer and 54 OPK’s $ 89.32

February 6, 2009 - Hocus Pocus

2009-02-12T14:45:00.001-05:00

I'm posting this late because I've been agonizing over what to call the blog. Finally today, I just decided to pick something because clearly I was NOT going to come up with the clever and witty name I was hoping for.

Here is Friday's post:

I met with the acupuncturist for the first time today. She came on very high recommendation from my massage therapist. Apparently she is THE fertility acupuncturist to go to in this area. (I live in Southern New England.) What I did not know, was that she actually knew Holly as a child and was best friends with Holly’s parents’ neighbor. So, I instantly felt a little more at ease and less like I was about to be taken for a ride. I mean let’s face it, Chinese medicine has been around forever. But… it’s kind of a newly accepted thing around here. I think most people are a bit weary and think that you’re seeing some kind of witch doctor. Holly did point out that nearly every time you see a picture of the oldest person in the world – they are usually Asian and that perhaps there is something to these magic herbs and needles. As much as I want this to work, there is a little piece of me that is absolutely convinced that I might as well take my money and flush it down the toilet or at least buy an IPOD so that I can stop carrying around my 20 pound book of CD’s. (And stop showing my age!)

The appointment lasted for a little over 3 hours… so I at least got my ($150.00) money’s worth in time spent! She took her time and answered all of my questions. We also talked in depth about the history of my cycle and my other health issues. It also included my first ever acupuncture treatment. Which was… in a word – weird. It doesn’t hurt. It’s just… weird. Most of the needles I didn’t even feel go in. There were a couple where I felt like a tap kind of… but it felt nothing like getting a shot, or getting your finger pricked, or getting blood drawn. Not at all. So if you’re needle shy… try not to be of this because it’s nothing like anything you’ve ever had done.

She put some in both of my legs – like around the shins and calf I think. (I couldn’t really tell what she was doing.) Then, she put a couple in my wrists and hands and a few in my belly a little below my belly button. Then I was left to marinate. Mostly, I was supposed to meditate, but I couldn’t concentrate. All I wanted to do was get up and dance around. She did put on soothing music, but I was so keyed up from the excitement/nervousness of the visit, that there was no way I was going to have any kind of zen experience.

30 minutes (DAYS) later she came back and pulled them out. There was no bleeding or anything and I didn’t really feel any different. Well, I did feel a little light headed from laying there. I guess I got up too fast.

They have a generic sort of treatment that they do in phases which is cheaper and which they keep in house. I eavesdropped a little on the girl that was leaving when I came in – and this is the treatment she was given. She walked out of there for $155.00 and I think it included acupuncture which is typically $100.00. I was pretty psyched figuring it’d probably cost me about $200.00. ($150.00 for the visit and $50.00 for the magic herbs.)

Obviously, what I didn’t know was anything about her medical history. Mine is long and complicated. Hers must not have been. This means that it was not likely or probable that the generic herbal treatment would work for me because I have too many issues. Instead, I would be prescribed a custom 4 phase system of herbs. Each to correspond to one phase of my cycle -- the bleeding phase, luteal phase, ovulatory phase, and whatever the pre bleeding phase is according to Chinese medicine – something to encourage implantation or something. Cost for a 3 month supply $280.00. Of course. And they don’t take credit cards. L Patricia was very kind and offered to let me pay in installments.

Before I left the house this morning, I figured that I had $300.00 usable for today – balance owed $130.00. So, I wrote a check for $300.00 and went on my way. I was told to let Patricia know when my period started. It just happened that I was on my last birth control pill, so I knew it would be soon. Perfect timing really. We decided together that I would not start a new pack of birth control pills and that I would also discontinue the Metformin. I have IBS and the Metformin only aggravates it.

Patricia spent the weekend going over my inches thick medical chart and compiling my proper combination of herbs. I spoke with her today and the magic herbs should be in on Friday. I was told that I would need to buy some OPK’s (Ovulation Predictor Kits – sticks you pee on and they tell you whether or not you’re about to ovulate) and she gave me a website where you can buy them for super cheap. http://www.early-pregnancy-tests.com/

On the first day of my period, I was instructed to start charting my basal temperature upon waking and before getting out of bed every morning. I’m still unclear as to where I am supposed to be sticking the thermometer. My friend Monica swears it should be in the mouth (and she had a very good laugh at my expense), but I have read that it is more accurate if taken from the hoo hoo. Does anyone really know? I feel dumb and a little embarrassed and I REALLY don’t want to ask Patricia. I am hoping that the thermometer will come with instructions. I of course looked online, but everyone has an opinion and no one seems to agree. Most people though, don’t even say where to take it from! Does that mean I am to assume I should continue taking it orally?

Oh and my ** favorite ** part… I need to monitor my cervical mucus daily. The description of each of the conditions was enough to make me throw up in my mouth. I shall of course share them with you:

1. Eggwhite
Slippery, Will Usually Stretch
Clear/Streaked/Opaque
Lube, Wet or Humid Feeling

2. Creamy
Lotiony, Milky, Smooth
Usually White or Yellow
Wet, Moist or Cold Feeling

3. Sticky
Pasty, Crumbly, Opaque
Rubber-Cement
Dry or Sticky Feeling

Okay, I need to repeat to what my friend Gina said upon reading the last description:

“Excuse me crumbly?? I used to think that the worst thing that could come out of there was a BABY – that is DEFINITELY second now.”

It’s all very horrifying... and do not fret I will not be giving daily secretion updates – no matter how many times you ask. I was thinking though, that it’s a shame that I’m not still in high school… this would be an excellent Science Fair Project.

I’m single, 31 years old, and I want a baby.

2009-02-12T14:38:00.000-05:00

I have no delusions that this will be easy, and even though this is not the perfect time or perfect circumstance, the time is coming! I’m not getting any younger and I have known fertility issues. I was diagnosed 8 years ago with Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). Currently, I don’t get a period unless I’m on birth control pills. I have no interest in (or money for) IVF or drugs like Clomid.

I try to eat organically and to avoid preservatives, trans fats, artificial sweeteners, and anything else that didn’t happen naturally. It just doesn’t make sense to me to put man made chemicals into my body to make it do something it obviously feels it should not be doing. Western medicine doesn’t have a lot to offer in the way of treatment other than birth control pills and Metformin. Metformin is a drug used to treat diabetes but which also helps to deal with insulin resistance that is common in people with PCOS. Other than that, if you’re not trying to conceive, they don’t do much for you.

So, I am kind of skeptically pursuing alternative treatment in acupuncture and Chinese herbal supplements. I say skeptically, because my eyes kind of start to cross when I hear the words Qi and Yang and Yin. I don’t really know what they mean… and I don’t know if it’s important that I know. All I know is that I have used herbal supplements for my cats and dogs and they got better. I figure they don’t know what’s going on so, they can’t possibly have gotten better from any sort of placebo effect.

More about me:

I had a regular period from age 11 until age 18 when I went on birth control pills. I remained on birth control pills for almost 5 years. I came off of the pills and got my period, but it wouldn’t stop. I was evaluated after changing doctors because my old physician poo poo’d my concern about the change in my cycle. I was found to have a grapefruit sized dermoid cyst. The cyst was removed along with half of my left ovary and I got a couple of periods after that. Then I was back to the same ol’ thing. No period.
Against my better judgment and at the insistence of my doctor (and scare tactics that I was going to get uterine cancer), I went back on the birth control pills. I hate being on the pill. They make me crazy… all of them. Holly threatened to move, so I finally found one that didn’t make me insane and intolerable… and then it gave me UTI infections.

I am CONVINCED that the birth control pills messed me up. Doctors deny that it is a possibility, but I have heard many people retell the same story. I will say that I did gain a significant amount of weight while on the pill which probably has contributed to my problem. I seriously doubt though, that it is the entire problem.

The purpose of this blog is to sort of document whether or not this works. If it does work, then hopefully someone will benefit from the information and be able to put it to use. If it doesn’t, I hope to save your money! I’m also doing it for me. If it does work out, I might be glad to see how it all came to be.

I’m giving myself a year to get my butt into shape and to give the herbs and acupuncture time to work their magic. Hopefully by the end of 1 year’s time, I will be able to try to get pregnant.

Oh, one other thing I should mention – I also don’t have any sperm. I mentioned earlier that I am single. I am also a lesbian – I do not have sperm on demand. It will need to chosen and purchased. I can’t even decide what color shoes to buy let alone pick out features, which like diamonds, are forever. I’m kind of dreading that part a little. I have decided to cross that bridge when I get there.

In addition to acupuncture and herbs, I am also making some other very drastic changes.
I am exercising every day for at LEAST 30 minutes. My goal is to be exercising for a minimum of 60 minutes every day. I’m also doing the weight watchers thing. Total weight loss to date is 11.8 pounds and I am currently in the midst of my 6th week of “fitness”. Soon, I hope to be able to remove the “” around fitness.